by Jessie Cooper | Oct 9, 2025
In my last blog to you we talked about navigating going back to school. How’s it going, darling? Is your child thriving with an incredible teacher? Or, after a month of school are you (and your kiddo) ready to call it quits? Wherever you are in your education journey this fall, my hope is you believe you and your child deserve the absolute best. And, if your child’s school environment is not working, you are finding your way to advocate for their needs. No matter what you are experiencing I believe that you and your child deserve peace and support. I’ve got you, and you’ve got you.
Outside of the school system there are dozens of suggestions for making our children’s lives better. When your child is neurodiverse or learns differently, at times it can be overwhelming to know what strategy or intervention works best. That is one of the many reasons I’m in love with ABA; it’s idiosyncratic. Or in other words each intervention is built specifically for your child (or should be Big Box ABA…). That being said, there are tools that can be helpful for a lot of children. One of my very favorites to recommend is the use of visuals.
Thinking Visually
Years ago when I was learning about ABA I came across Temple Grandin and her book “Thinking in Pictures”. In this memoir Temple writes about how her mind thinks with pictures and not words. While not all autistic people think visually before they think with language, it gave me insight into testing language when I was learning to practice ABA. As a young BCBA I spent time testing what we call receptive language (what we hear) and expressive language (what we say). In my work I used many different tools to test language, pictures being one of them.
In my time as a practicing BCBA I found that each learner of course tested differently. However, the most impactful to me was working with autistic adults who did not have access to ABA as children. These adults were brilliant and wonderful. And, because no one had taught them how to use language, the individuals I was working with were very limited in their language. That’s not to say all neurodiverse adults present this way without ABA. It was the population I was working with who did not learn language naturally and were stuck in their language abilities.
Before my time with these adults I had thought I wanted to work in early intervention. When I met these beautiful people, I knew I wanted to help anyone I could who needed access to ABA. There are several clients who stay with me; Aubrey was one of those who changed my life.
An Incredible Story
Aubrey was a young autistic man who worked at a warehouse in the packing department. Aubrey was kind, gentle, and hardworking. Until Aubrey was not and became extremely physically violent at work. I was called in for the crisis and began my work with Aubrey. The first test I completed was of course language; problem behaviors are communication so I wanted to see what Aubrey was trying to say. In my testing I pulled out a series of pictures. Aubrey pulled the binder to him with tears running down his face and snatched a shoe picture. He pointed to his own feet, then shoved the picture to me. I bent down to remove his shoes and saw blisters everywhere. Aubrey’s group home put him in the wrong shoe size, he didn’t have a way to tell them, and his feet hurt. After a day of shoe shopping and a binder full of pictures for his needs, Aubrey’s life changed. The aggression was gone (along with the pain) and Aubrey was back to himself.
Finding Voice
While this story is unique, the principle is not. Individuals with autism can think in pictures before language and so having visual aides and pictures gives them access to our social world. Often autistic children who think in pictures do not know what we call the things they see. ABA therapy (and parents) can build their understanding of our social world by teaching them, one picture at a time, the labels of the pictures they see. Once a child knows what an item is called, they learn how to ask for it. It’s a beautiful thing to watch and build – turning pictures into words. And words into meaning.
Outside of using visuals for language, parents can also use visuals to simply explain the day. Calendars and visual schedules can remind children what is coming next and help to reduce anxiety. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and for 5 years I have made a monthly calendar for my boys to know where they will be. Today is the first day of October and as I packed little Spidermans on the bus (no, it’s not costume day…) my youngest reminded me to make our calendar. It’s peaceful for them to see their world visually. It can bring peace for all children (and ourselves) to know what is coming next.
So, my darlings, as you digest my words to you, I hope to leave you with this. Not all tools are created equally and language in a social world is a powerful tool. Being able to understand our social world, how to ask for our needs, and knowing what is coming next is calming for all of us. If you are the parent of a neurodiverse child, pictures just might be the tool they need to express themselves. And, if they can verbally express themselves, pictures could also be the tool you use to explain the routines of their lives. However you choose to experiment with pictures, my hope is it adds value to your child’s life. And I’m hoping you’re still smiling a little for Aubrey.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Sep 18, 2025
In my last blog I wrote to you about meeting your child where they are on their journey back to school. How is it going, darlings? Has your family adjusted to the new routine of school? How is your child doing with their teachers? Their friends? That new sleep schedule? Activities, anyone? I know you can’t answer my questions with simplicity because back to school season is anything but simple. It’s a season of adjustments. My hope is that for all it is going well, but as a mama I know far too well nothing can go well all of the time. This time around I’m hoping to provide some guidance if your child’s needs aren’t fully being met at school.
Peering into Education
To start our journey together I’d like to take you back about 20 years (I know, I’m dating myself here!). Nearly two decades ago I was completing my undergraduate degree in early childhood education and working as an aide in a preschool. At the time colleges were adapting to “No Child Left Behind” and teaching us how to implement standardized curriculum. Simultaneously in my job placement I had special needs students (undiagnosed autism) who were not being identified and teachers at their wits end on how to teach them. The teachers I worked with were two of the most caring people I had ever met. Their frustration came from not knowing how to help their students while also preparing children for a standardized learning world. This is the start of my journey into ABA and why I started as a home-based therapist to help special needs children. I too wanted to know how to help.
Fast forward about a decade and I had become a BCBA and business owner and was on my way to parenthood. During this decade I spent countless hours with parents, teachers, autistic children, and schools. You see, when I find an under-resourced population both my brain and my heart light up. I love using our science and math to create sustainable resources. In the first decade when I was becoming a BCBA and business owner, one thing ran true in every situation – people were trying their best. As I sat beside struggling children, parents, and teachers, it was not a lack of caring, just like my mentors, but a lack of resources (and often education) that created their frustration. You see, standardized teaching works wonderfully for the median student, but any child on the edges can get lost. Teachers are not readily given the resources or training to help those students.
If we look at this refrain that teachers have signed up to work with children because they truly love them but have been taught to teach to the norm, I am hopeful we can access some compassion. When you have a child who can’t assimilate, they are perfectly performing (remember the learner is always right) with the skills they have. And teachers are trying to provide for their needs without the support they may truly need to help your child. If it rings true for you that you have a child who learns differently or is struggling in school, I hope this refrain helps you to soften towards your school. Once you soften then also lean into the fact your child deserves to thrive and you are their best advocate for getting their needs met at school. Every child deserves a fair, free, and equal education. As their parent you are the biggest voice in the room for your child.
As Your Child’s Advocate
When a child is struggling at school, they need and deserve accommodations. While some schools are well resourced in providing these accommodations, others aren’t (or are part of a good district but with not quite there teachers). As your child’s advocate you get to voice concerns over how your child is progressing in school and what needs they have based on their different ability. You know your child best and as their parent you also know how you hope school can help them grow. Many of our families at IABA achieve this by using a collaborative approach between their home-based ABA team and school team. The art of ABA is to teach idiosyncratically to neurodiverse children alongside social goals set by the parent. If a child at IABA is struggling at school, often crossing over ABA to the school team provides both the advocacy and education to support the child. This can also be true outside of ABA. As a mama, if my children are struggling at school, my first step is to have their outside counselors connect with the school. Teamwork does in fact make the dream work.
At IABA we have carried on our mission for over 13 years to provide services across funding sources, and we navigate red tape to do so. This means that depending on funding and location, how we provide support in school can look different. For instance in Colorado we can provide RBT support in the school and in Illinois we currently support with IEPs, consultations, and at times vendor contracts. We hope to provide RBT support in school someday and are continuing to work with our funders. And, if you’re not a client of IABA, while these examples may not apply, my hope is that the message does. Collaboration with your child’s village of professionals helps them to thrive.
So, my darlings, as you settle into the school year with your child who is perhaps not settling, remember first and foremost they deserve to thrive. Keep your hopes and goals high for your child while walking alongside the teachers who are doing their best with the resources they have. If the school is not able to meet your child’s needs, collaborate and advocate. People don’t know what they don’t know. The beauty of ABA that keeps my fire going all these years is that it provides the resources necessary so that every child can learn. Their home-based success in ABA and other outside therapies just might be the resources their school needs to know about so they can thrive.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Aug 28, 2025
Over the summer I’ve written to you about putting down your “should’s” and embracing what you and your child need wherever you are. Has it worked, darling? Even in small doses and moments have you been able to slip away from what you expect of yourself or your child during the big moments like holidays or vacations? What about the small? It’s easier said than done. Each day offers moment after moment to accept exactly where we are in life and where our child is. With the school year upon us there is no time like the present to revisit our should’s.
It is easy to slip into the trap of wanting a perfect school year for our children and just as easy to expect (uh oh, that word again) our children to excel in the new year. Of course we want this because we love our children and have hope for them. Yet our little loves are little learners and expecting a bright shiny new year doesn’t leave a lot of room for grace – grace for the anxiety that change may bring and the pressure that school can often add to our families. School is in fact a job for our children that no matter how supported they are will bring challenges. And, my loves, every family and child has their own unique challenges. You are not alone.
Leaning in to Learn
Truly, most parents I have met have a laundry list of things they want to help their children with and have absolutely no idea where to start. For parents of the neurodiverse children I know, this list sometimes feels overwhelming. Neurodiverse children see the world differently and fitting into social norms isn’t always easy. Because parents want their children to succeed, figuring out what to do both in their family home and in the social world, regardless of their child’s ability, is tough stuff. As we go back to school, the season of expectations is high. I’m hoping to lift the pressure, just a little, for us all.
You see, as summer ends (sooner each year it seems) and the sticky days of popsicles putter to an end, we all see the bright light of structure. Parents race to the stores to fill their carts with back to school outfits and supplies and head off to the barber for haircuts. Lists come out with teacher assignments while muddy children lazily end their late night playdates. It’s a season of change and what can feel like celebration. I know personally I give myself a silent fist bump for making it through summer accompanied by a tinge of regret that I didn’t embrace our lazy days a little more. Every year it’s a tiny battle of “ugh, no structure!” mixed with “ah, I’m going to miss them!” I know for many of the families we serve, it’s a season of preparing their children for a transition they can understand. For all of us it’s a whole bunch of emotions and tasks.
So what could we do, darlings? What advice would be helpful as you step into a new school year to allow yourself and your child to enjoy it? I wish I had a magic answer that would give you all a perfect start to a new school year. Unfortunately, I don’t. What I do have is real life experience both as a mama and as a BCBA. When I really sit with myself, a phrase from my graduate school years comes to mind. It was a phrase that changed everything back when I was learning behavior analysis. And as a parent when I am struggling with big emotions on the home front, it is the phrase that always recenters me. That little phrase is “the learner is always right.”
Wait, what, you say? My child is always right – I quit these blogs!! Hold on a second, stay with me. I am not saying your child knows everything or that any of their challenging behaviors are acceptable in the long run. What this phrase means is that when a child is struggling with, well, anything, they are exactly right where they are. It is a different way of saying to stop expecting your child to be different than they are at any given moment and to instead accept the current emotion, behavior, or situation at face value to better understand the needs of your child. As a spoiler alert, this also works on yourself! If we stop resisting whatever life challenges present themselves and instead embrace them as opportunities to learn and grow, we will as a family come out stronger.
Embracing Where You Are
So, my darlings, as you pack your child’s bright backpacks with markered signs celebrating the new year of school, I want to leave you with this. Yes, the school year is starting, and no, it’s not going to be perfect. Your child (and family) is experiencing a change and with that will come both positive and negative experiences. Your child may come home bursting with joy about their new class and friends. Your child may also struggle in their classroom and/or have some pretty big emotions coming home. You may have a school that works with you or a school that needs to adopt a more compassionate approach to children and families. While it would be easy to say “new school year, new you!” to your child, the reality is it’s a new school year, same child, new experiences for all.
The very best advice I can give as you walk through the doors of the new school year is to shake off expecting perfection and embrace whatever you and your child need to thrive. I promise you that expecting external perfection in a new chapter isn’t it. Breathe deeply, darlings, and hold your little learners close. They are in fact right wherever they are in life.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 31, 2025
The last time we were together, I wrote to you about how to navigate the shoulds of the 4th of July. Did it help, darlings? Were you able to prioritize the needs of your child while celebrating the parts of the holiday that you held dear? Or perhaps you skipped the holiday all together. Whatever you chose, my hope is that you chose how you wanted to celebrate in a way that was in alignment with your family and heart.
As the summer days drag on and back to school peeks sleepily around the corner, many of us have spent some of summer vacation, well, on vacation. Before we are all back to the grind of the school year, I’m hoping to offer a little bit of insight on this topic as well. My spirit longs for adventure and travel. Excitement is on the tips of my fingers thinking about the possibility of writing to you about this! Yet as I’m formulating what I want to say to you, I’m gently reminding myself that vacations with children (while the location may be beautiful) are trips. There can be joy in these, too, and today I’m hoping to set you up for success with a gentle reframe.
Accepting Where You Are
I would love to take credit for the label change regarding when you are traveling with your children and without them. That would be stealing credit from where it is due. This gentle reframe comes from the amazing Dr. Becky, a positive parenting psychologist who is a thought leader of our time. Years ago as I was buckling my then toddlers into their car seats as a single mom on the way to the beach, I downloaded her podcast. On our drive through the mountains to the ocean Dr. Becky reminded me that children will bring who they are, struggles and all, right along with them. That as parents if we expect our children to be perfect on vacation, we are setting them and ourselves up for failed expectations. And darlings, isn’t that half of life’s struggle? When things don’t go the way we expect? Dr. Becky advised to accept your children as they are at any moment while offering yourself (and them) grace. To enjoy your trip and then plan a true vacation solo from your children.
I truly believe (yes, as a BCBA) that sometimes things come into our lives at exactly the right time. The download of this podcast, at that moment, was one of those times for me. I was pumped up for our gorgeous rental, the tiny town, the sand, the sun. That summer I unloaded two big feeling boys onto the sand; one hated the sand and one hated both sand and water. They told me through tears and tantrums that playing indoors and at the community pool (that we could go to at home…) was their happy place. I could have resisted and forced my boys to love the ocean with me. While tears did smear together at times (mine/theirs) we found our way to accepting the type of trip we needed. Popsicles, pool, and margaritas did the trick. Forcing them to enjoy something they couldn’t would have robbed us of our joy. While a piece of me still longed for time against the tide with my boys, I found peace in accepting where we were.
Prioritizing Yourself
Fast forward several years and I’m still a work in progress in figuring out what works for our family for our summer trip. This year we made our way to the Great Lakes (one child with a complete body suit packed to ward off sand…) to a rental with its own pool. I had the environment down that I knew my children would enjoy and was ready to accept their emotions as they came. What I didn’t prepare for was what my own heart would need this time around.
I was so focused on my children (and getting it right for them) that by day five I crashed and burned. I’m sharing this with you because when I shared Dr. Becky’s advice of meeting your children where they are at, I forgot the part of the lesson about prioritizing your own needs too. This trip I forgot to listen to myself and learned something new through my failure. Turns out, when I got everything perfect for my kids, I was expecting (uh oh) myself to perfectly enjoy it without considering my own needs. This trip I learned that the vacation wasn’t just about the destination, or my children, it was about all of us as a family. Next time I’ll be ready to accept my imperfections even when they come up on vacation. Through this, I’m hoping to stay grounded and experience our little family from a present place. Scars and all.
Releasing Expectations
Are my experiences landing anywhere near your hearts, darlings? Have you come up against wanting your children to be perfect on vacations or expecting yourself to be happy full-time? Vacations (that is, trips) are expensive and time consuming. The amount of preparation that goes into them sometimes takes more time than the actual trip. This can lead to a buildup of what we all should be enjoying, kids included, and anger or resentment when it’s not a blissful time. I am hoping by reading my words you are starting to understand what I am trying to convey; take the pressure off, honey – of yourself, of your children, of the location, of your fellow travelers. All of it. I know, I know. Easier said than done and yet if you can release yourself and your child(ren) just a little, I promise your trip will be more enjoyable.
So, my loves – as the summer sun shines on us, remember you are going on a trip as a family and as a family you all have unique needs that come on that trip, too. When you get all the way to the beach stuck on “we should be happy,” take a deep breath and tap that heart of yours. None of us should be anything more than we are right now. If your child is unhappy, it’s a need not met. Guess what? If you’re not happy, same thing. Accept the wave of emotions, tap into that need, listen, learn, and enjoy what you can. It’s not going to be perfect, but I promise you that accepting where your family is and what they need is a trip worth taking.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 3, 2025
Years ago I was meeting with a business coach and deeply immersed in everything I felt I should be doing. I started IABA when I was 25 years old. The dreams I had for my company and expectations I had for myself were sky high. I keenly remember spending the better part of a session telling Heather everything “I should be doing,” as anxiety pulsed through my body. Every should was linked to somewhere I felt I was falling short or failing. Gently Heather told me I was “shoulding” all over myself and where there was should there was shame. I have always done this nice little deep breath and eye roll when I know I’ve been seen. Heather got a big one that day and I got the lesson I needed.
Should and Shame
You see, darlings, we all have shame, and we have shoulds. I still grapple with the tall order of my brain and my wishes for the world. But years ago Heather helped me to reframe from the word should to the word choose. Now, whenever I feel the external (okay, often internal) pressure of what I think I should be doing, I remember that I’m the leader of my life and can make healthy choices based on both my desires and values. In sharing this little gem we could go a great many ways. Today, I’m going to choose to write to you about navigating the 4th of July. Holidays are a wonderful time to stop “shoulding” all over ourselves.
I don’t know about you but when a holiday comes up the first thing that comes to mind is what our culture has told me about that holiday. Sure, there are traditions I hold dear but I don’t have any “shoulds” about those. Remember, should and shame are friends. Our minds, whether we like it or not, have a bias toward the negative. It is then natural for us when a holiday comes along not to go to our dear traditions but instead to expectations. After years of practice I still have to fight my own urge of “should anxiety” and make active choices for every holiday I celebrate with my sons. It has gotten easier over the years to make choices that work for my family and cultivate the joy holidays can bring. I have also had many holidays I thought I was making aligned choices, instead crashed and burned, and had to reflect for the next time around.
What about you, my loves? Can you relate? When a holiday comes around do you jump immediately to what both culture and your family expect of you? Do your treasured traditions murmur beneath the anxiety in a way that they are behind the scenes but not center stage to your planning? Have you ever thought you were nailing it in planning a holiday only to be chugging a mimosa in front of a fake fire accompanied by tears? Your tears? Your children’s? Does it matter? I think, darlings, we all have. And I hope, my loves, that I can help you to start to move away from shame and into choice using this 4th of July as a starting point.
Choosing What Works
When asked to write to you about navigating the 4th of July for our parents of autistic children, I could have gone a different direction than we are going. It would be easy to tell you to be aware of the sensory overload of crowds and fireworks. Maybe add a few links to some rad noise cancelling headphones and call it a day. And maybe those rad headphones are what your child needs to enjoy fireworks. If that’s your kiddo, rock on. But if that was all I was writing to you about, then I would be writing to you about how to help your child navigate what they “should” be doing for the 4th of July. That doesn’t align with my own values or the deep love I have for how the neurodiverse see the world. What does align with my values is helping you as a family choose what will bring the most joy to you this 4th of July.
In helping you cultivate a 4th of July that is meaningful to your family, I’d like to offer a few questions you can ask yourself before planning the holiday. And in answering these questions, hopefully you’ll be a little more clear and able to enjoy the upcoming holiday.
An Inventory for Joy
Do you enjoy the 4th of July? If yes, what parts of the holiday are most important to you? Is it the food, the fireworks, festivals, cookouts, family, camping, a long weekend? Pick what is most important to you and start there. Let’s say for example that your favorite part of the 4th is the festivals but your autistic child elopes when walking in public. Going to a festival is not as enjoyable when you are on high alert you might lose your child. What accommodations can you make to prevent the stress? Can grandma watch their grandchild, planning a different but fun day for them? Can you bring a wagon? Is an RBT/aide available to join? Or if absolutely none of these options are available, will you enjoy the festival without support? If the answer is no, then maybe this year you skip and on a day you can get support you book a Six Flags day. It is okay to accept where you are in any season of life. There will be more 4th of July festivals, I promise.
If we take this example and replace it with all of the other holiday options listed above, I think you will pick up what I am trying to say. That is to celebrate the parts of the holiday that you do enjoy where you can – not what you should be doing (say no to that right away!). Then, in choosing what you or your child would like to enjoy, find the support you need so your child has the accommodations they need in order to attend. By turning down what you don’t like, prioritizing your family’s favorite parts, and putting support in place you are on your way to choosing a holiday celebration tailor made for your family. Even if that tailor made is skipping the holiday altogether.
Say no, my darlings, to what does not serve you, shout yes to how you want to celebrate, and lean in to your beautiful child and their needs. Together, we are wishing you a Happy 4th of July!
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
