by Jessie Cooper | Jun 19, 2025
The season of winter has passed and during it I’ve been inconsistent in writing for my company and the amazing parents who entrust their children to us. I don’t know about any of you, but as a single mom who works full time sometimes things just fall off the edge. I’m lucky to have a team who keeps me on track. They’ve taken the lead on surveying our families and asking what they’d like support on. I’ll do my best, mamas and papas, to keep on track and hopefully give more consistent support through writing. I’m not an expert on everything and I am walking beside you on this wild journey of parenthood. I also have two decades of experience as a clinician in the field of behavior analysis. With that, the first topic of support I’ve been asked for is navigating summertime when your child is neurodiverse.
Navigating Summertime
With warm days finally upon us, it makes sense to me that this was the first topic requested by our parents. I too felt a low-grade panic as somehow we skipped from making Valentine boxes all the way to final field trips of the year. I almost missed my youngest’s field trip because of the denial in my mind that school was about to be over. Thank goodness for my first-born who keeps us honest and as a first grader reminded me both of the date and my promise to go see Highland cows. Yep, okay little man, you are correct, and mama will rearrange work to take a field trip to a farm while also living on a small farm. Off we went and with it came the end of the school year and the last time I will have a child in kindergarten. The structure of the school year gives me time to both work and be a parent. I love the sunshine as much as anyone else, but the thought of ten weeks without structure sends anxiety waves up my spine.
Like you, I want what is best for my children and to show up as their sturdy leader. My children are not neurodiverse. When thinking about what to write to you as fellow parents, but parents who have differently abled children, my first thoughts go to you and not what your children need. We’ll get there in a moment, but to me the most important part of parenthood is you the parent. I know we’ve all heard this a million times but I’m going to tell you again; you must put your oxygen mask on first, mamas and papas. Without giving yourself what you need, giving your children both what they need and what you want for them becomes impossible. I shared my story about my panic during the summer starting as a prelude to letting you know I was aware that summer can be hard for me. Knowing that the season was changing I could either enter summer without a plan for myself (and my children) or I could take inventory of what we all needed. I chose the latter and my darlings, I encourage you to do the same.
Taking Care of You
That is the place to start always, but it is frightfully easy to forget the days when you’re simply making mac and cheese and trying to stop the millionth meltdown. Popsicle before breakfast? You bet. You will not be perfect in putting together a plan for yourself. However, in the moments you’re taking deep breaths on the bathroom floor, having a plan is your toolbox and lifeline. It is the reminder that when you’re wiping your tears away, you’re past the point of being able to take care of yourself and therefore your children. So darling, what is it that you need to feel like you and to not feel in reaction to your children?
The way I encourage others to take their inventory is to first think of their body, then their spirit, and finally their mind. When your body is getting what it needs, your nervous system is less likely to overload. Personally, I must schedule time in the gym and on my yoga mat. Four days a week is my must-have no matter what. I also need eight hours of sleep, protein, and a strong coffee. If I can sleep, move my body, and avoid fueling myself on the grilled cheese crusts I cut off for my children, I’m able to operate from a calmer space. I also need time in nature for my spirit (and away from my children) and a place for my mind to think beyond Lego arguments. I can’t always do it all, and so, when I’m overwhelmed, taking deep breaths is the first thing I do to remember my body. Once I’m taking care of it, it’s easier to shift into what my spirit needs and then my mind. Even though I may only have a few minutes a day for self-care, I know I need it.
So, what about you, darling? When you think about operating from a space of being able to attend to your children versus surviving with them, what do you need? Does your body need a walk every day? More water and fewer margaritas (party pooper, I know)? Do you need to turn off screens at night so you can sleep better? What about giving your children more screen time than you would like so you can stream a workout from home? The list is endless and only you know what you need. Giving yourself what you need to feel like yourself is the ultimate guide to summer and any season in this wild ride called parenthood. And of course, part of giving yourself what you need is providing for your child what they need in their seasons, too. Summer is tricky; there is not the structure of school. All children need structure, and neurodiverse children need that even more.
Structure for Your Littles
After you have thought about what you need, I encourage you to explore how to give your child structure throughout the summer as well as help them keep learning. If you are a parent of an autistic child, keeping your child in applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy is crucial. During ABA therapy your child is learning skills to navigate the social world. Without school, taking your child into a clinic is the environment that will most mimic a school setting if you are able to do that. Time in the clinic is also time you’ll have for yourself to recharge. And hopefully your ABA company like IABA comes into the home and community with you. So, when your little one is home, a portion of that time is supported by a behavioral therapist. If your district offers ESY, I strongly encourage this, too. Keeping routine and structure will help your child decrease their anxiety and continue to gain skills that make their lives easier to navigate. That is what ABA is, after all, a science that focuses on quality of life.
Outside of keeping your child in ABA therapy, keeping them connected to their social world is my last recommendation. Isolating any child with therapy all day and no play isn’t what is best for them. Sign up for that summer pool pass, blend ABA clinic time with a special needs day camp, log on to the theatres around you for sensory screenings, plan that play date with a fellow parent who gets what your family is going through. Spend time disconnected from electronics and together with family and friends because with school out, that is what the sunshine of summer is for. To remind us to slow down and soak it up.
Care for yourself first, provide structure for your child, and then, my darlings, find moments of joy to bask in this season. And when the moments get tough, remember you and your little one are doing your very best. Strap on that oxygen mask and try again my love.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 16, 2025
As with almost everyone, the holiday season swept me away – it had moments of joy and a whole lot of sickness. It was the season of celebrating togetherness while silently cursing the germs that come with that togetherness both at home and at work. I spent the latter part of December supporting our wonderful families and staff to figure out coverage where we could when members of our IABA family got sick. As the owner, though, I was supporting them through a double sinus infection and feel as though I’ve been healthyish for just two days now. ‘Tis the season to lose our routines and immune systems! With that, writing this new series took a back burner. I’m hopeful that in the new year I can bring more of these to you. So, where did we leave off? Oh yes, this belongs.
It is almost ironic to write that last sentence because of course holiday time and germs belong! But in the context of our series, we were unpacking parenting woes. Luckily the blog that has been churning in my mind goes right along with accepting what is here. In order to better understand acceptance, I’ve also been seeking to understand the shame that comes with parenting. I’ve been asking myself, “Where does shame come from?” While I am certain that each person’s shame story is unique, I am equally certain the root is the same. You see, shame tells us we are weird, bad, different, failing, alone, and not enough. Each person’s shame will uniquely personalize that shame to them. Fun, huh? But the effect of the shame is to separate us from others while casting judgement on ourselves. How then can we accept what is here for ourselves or our children while we are in shame? We cannot.
Wow! You might be thinking, “I just came out of a cookie coma and am riding home on antibiotics. Do we have to start that dark?” Well, kind of. But ultimately, no. You see, I need to lay the framework for what I’m about to write. I want you to remember that when you are hard on yourself (anyone else’s jeans tight?!) it is entirely human to default to feeling shame. If we can hold on to the truth that self judgement is not our fault, we can then get curious about what we are resisting.
While we could take this in many different directions today, I want to talk to you parent to parent. In our identity as a parent, shame can come roaring in when our children are struggling. This too belongs, but it does not have to stay. I almost feel shame writing this to you. To admit that when my children are struggling I can cast both internal and external judgement is hard! It is hard and incredibly human. You see, I believe that almost everyone is doing their best, but criticism comes when things go sideways. Being a parent is a surefire way for things to go sideways – often. Lucky for us that also means a whole lot of practice releasing shame and then accepting what is here as the first step forward, not sideways.
I do not believe difficult times with our children have to stay; I’ve built an incredible company on this principle. I do believe that we have to accept the reality of what is here to navigate our way out of the weeds. Shame diverts us; presence guides us. With that I want to leave you with a strategy to lift the grips of shame. As those grips release, we can then take a compassionate look at the amazing person, parent, child, and family before us. I live in one of those families and have the honor of serving over a hundred of them at IABA. Are you ready? I hope so.
To begin, make sure to get cozy. I recommend soft everything, a large glass of ice water, and some deep belly breaths. Now imagine yourself in the most challenging situation with your child. Pick either a past or recent moment when your child was struggling and you had no idea what to do. Now stop the memory, place a hand on your heart (and one on your belly to breathe) and instead of reacting to it, witness. Instead of feeling a victim to the moment and at odds with yourself and your child, just watch. Was your child in control? Did they want to be? Did you want to be? Now, in witnessing the moment, instead of judging the moment, play back how you would want your parenting moment to go. As you play back this moment, I am certain you want what is best for your child. Sit with that for just a moment. In your hardest moment with your child you were deeply caring about them. No, you did not show up with a solution. No, nothing is changing with these moments (yet) but if you could, you would.
That’s it, my darlings. That is the conclusion I have come to after almost two decades in practice and eight years as a mama. As I have sat and interviewed countless families, the caring for their children seeps through. When your child is struggling in a moment or in life, you as a parent want what is best for them. That is your truth.
If we all use this lens towards both ourselves and fellow parents, judgement and shame will melt away. As the shame melts, you will see the incredible parent you are, wanting what is best for your child even if you don’t know quite how to get there. Use this desire to want more for your family and reach for it. Offer compassion to that struggling mama in the grocery store. Know that we are all more the same than we are different. When we don’t know what to do, we can ask for help. And every step of the way remember, if you could change your child’s challenges, you would. It’s okay not to know what to do – this belongs. If you could do things differently, you would and someday you will.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Nov 22, 2024
In my last blog, I wrote about the importance of asking for help when our children are struggling. In sharing that we not only provide this type of support at Instructional ABA Consultants but that I’ve received it as a parent, I am hopeful you feel less alone. In my heart of hearts I believe that the biggest barrier to reaching for help is the barrier of “should.” When we, or our children, are struggling, shame pops right up with a tailored list of “you should…they should…” This narrative is both exhausting and defeating. It keeps us isolated and alone in our struggles. As the great Brene Brown states, “The only way to conquer shame is by shining a light on it.” Shame lives in the dark with us; connection melts it away.
This is my hope for you, darlings – that instead of sitting alone with your perceived list of failures as a parent, you sit in community realizing you’re not alone. Just this past week I was taking a walk to center myself before a difficult meeting. On the path was a young mom balancing her toddler on her back and her coffee. She was frazzled that if she put her coffee down she wouldn’t have it, but if she put her toddler down he would scream. I came up beside her and offered to carry the coffee while they made their way to the library. We walked this way for less than ten minutes but she shared, “No one ever talks about how hard this is! Every time I bring up on Instagram that I’m being screamed at for making waffles after he asked for waffles FIVE TIMES, I’m shut down with bids for happy stories.” I calmly shared that she’s not alone, she is honest, and I would be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I prepared the “wrong” food that I was badgered about. As I passed her coffee back – a screaming toddler was now at her feet – we thanked each other for the walk.
How many of us have been in this woman’s shoes? Either as a new mom or as a parent in a devastatingly hard moment, felt that the only thing the world wants is our smile? My initial reaction is to say that has never happened to me, that I’m great at the tough stuff! But it of course has. Whether it’s in public and I just want a controlled child at Costco or home when my children are having what seems like the zillionth fight at 6 am, I want that smile, too. Feels easier, right?
Sure – but it is also untrue. Whether our children are typically developing or developing differently from their peers, they are all this little bundle of untamed nerves, developing brains, wills of their own, and lived experience. Our children are divinely human, which means each messy part of them is showing itself at the exact right time. Yes, mamas, I’m chanting this to myself at 6 am but do not actually believe it until I’ve had my coffee with tears.
If we all expect our children to be happy and like the other children, we are silencing their truth. Just like the Instagram moms who shamed my new friend on the walk, we too shame our children when we cannot hold space for all their messy parts. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not think my, or your, children’s truth is that they are tiny barbarians who need to scream and hit before the sun has risen. In this scenario, my children’s truth is (ugh), “Mama, I’m too little to do the morning on my own. Will you get up with me?”
Wouldn’t it be nice if they asked that sweetly? Unfortunately, young children are almost purely limbic systems and their words come out in behaviors. When our children are struggling, their truth is just that “I am having a hard time.” Shaming them with a smile or expectation of perfection will silence them. Shining a light on their struggle with love, care, and guidance will plant the seeds for regulation even if it takes years to bloom.
Years, you say? You expect me to walk this turbulent path for years? In short, yes, but also no. You see, I can’t change for anyone that life is both deeply beautiful and breathtakingly painful. That is life. However, we don’t need to walk that path either blindly or alone. If we can force ourselves to witness the struggles in front of us without reacting to them, we can see them as they are. When we witness these struggles, we can then access something incredible – compassion.
In the throes of shame, it is impossible to access compassion for ourselves and our children; we’re too stuck in what shouldn’t be happening instead of what is. Compassion allows us to feel deeply that our struggle both belongs and is a struggle. So, my darlings, the next time you feel alone and tear-streaked, I challenge you this: place your hand against your heart and whisper, “This belongs,” and see if you melt a little into the moment that is. Then, take your brave soul towards your struggling child and remember, “This belongs, too.” The path to healing is rooted in your truth.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Oct 24, 2024
In my last blog, I took you through the origins story of Instructional ABA Consultants. In it, I shared my professional entry into applied behavior analysis (ABA) and desire for equitable care. What I didn’t share was what brought me to the field in the first place, which, ironically, is still what drives so much of my life today. I’d like to take you to that beginning in hopes that it will bring us together today.
In the early 2000s, I was a bustling new college student with a quest for knowledge. I have always been motivated to learn but this time I got to choose what I wanted to know. After the swift and painless death of the dream to be a professional actress, I settled into the campus of The Ohio State University. I loved children, loved to learn, and deeply disliked suffering. These together placed me in the College of Human Ecology where I was shocked to find an actual place on earth that wanted to teach and study what I loved! I joined the college with the hopes of being a kindergarten teacher yet my core interest was the impact of adverse childhood experiences on human development. I knew in my gut that our experiences in early childhood would shape the quality of our future. What I didn’t know was why the people hurting children were hurting them; I just knew it was wrong.
Education to Behavioral Science
While at OSU, I immersed myself in classes, research, and field experiences, and went as far as to write an honors thesis under the brilliant Dr. Stephen Gavazzi. In my work with Dr. Gavazzi, I studied the impact that negative home environments and race play on truancy. Each book I opened, class I took, and paper I wrote confirmed my belief in the importance of early childhood. What I couldn’t seem to understand was why others were hurting children and then why systems supporting children weren’t yielding better outcomes. As I finished my undergraduate studies in early childhood education, my focus shifted from becoming a teacher. I still had questions about why hurtful behavior happens and how through that understanding help can be provided. It was this very query that landed me at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology (TCS) in the fall of 2010. A year later, I joined a mobile crisis team in Illinois.
The years that I spent at TCS were eye-opening. I was surrounded by like-minded people who also wanted to know why behaviors occurred and the impact on the environment! Each day at TCS was like Christmas morning to me. The science of human behavior was exactly what I was looking for. Our science’s theory of human behavior is that all behaviors occur because of a person’s interaction with the environment. Behavioral scientists then observe, analyze, and study exactly why a person’s behaviors occur following strict scientific principles. In understanding why the behaviors occur, behavioral scientists are then able to create treatments to change behaviors. ABA can be used across a wide modality of behavioral treatments; my focus was of course on maladaptive behaviors and supporting autistic children. My work with the crisis team then broadened the population I was serving to adults with developmental disabilities.
How to Use ABA the Right Way
This is the work I’ve written to you about, that we still do today at Instructional ABA Consultants. We use the science of applied behavior analysis to improve the lives of children with autism and adults with developmental disabilities. Unlike so many other ABA companies, we still provide crisis support and my team now trains on Safety Care, a training program I learned over a decade ago. We also pay our RBTs a higher rate when working with our clients who qualify as a crisis because I know first-hand how challenging that work is – challenging and rewarding.
So what is it that the principles of ABA allow us to see that we cannot see without it? I used to think about everything when I was a radical behavior analyst. I was so in love with the science because it explained everything. Almost two decades later I’ve come to understand that ABA provides a foundation of understanding why behaviors occur.
ABA focuses heavily on observing what comes before and after a behavior to understand why the behavior occurs. We call this our ABCs – antecedent, behavior, consequence. By studying this pattern of behavior, we can almost always find why behavior is happening in the moment. What we can’t see is the vast undercurrent (or covert events) inside of the person engaging in behavior. The longer I’ve been in the field, the more I have come to ask.
“What can we see, and what can’t we see?”
Through this question, I’ve come to realize that a limitation of our field is that it is based on only what we can see. The answer of “What can we see, and what can’t we see?” is always a need not met. Hold that just for a moment; every behavior that results in pain is motivated by a need not met. Applied behavior analysis allows us to see on the surface what the person suffering is asking for, but does not look at the origin story of the wound. Personally and professionally I’ve come to believe that both are equally important.
What then can we do to negate suffering? A million and one things I’m sure. I work and live alongside people who truly believe all beings have a right to a life lived freely. To suffer is to be caged. Those million and one things are not for today. Today is to provide an answer to my question that perhaps will ignite compassion among us all.
Why do people hurt other people? They are hurting too.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
by Jessie Cooper | Oct 10, 2024
Over the last five years, I have written as the owner of Instructional ABA Consultants, a mama, and sometimes a BCBA. You can reference my original blogs here Owner’s Blog / Autism Blog. Throughout the summer, my team and I have been collaborating on what could be meaningful for the families and caregivers we serve. Through that collaboration, the idea for this series was born. The series will focus on our corner of the world through the perspective of an ABA business owner, BCBA, and a mama walking in the trenches right next to those we serve.
With my pen, I will do my best to share the origins and work of Instructional ABA Consultants, the gift of applied behavior analysis, and parenting to serve our community. The service I hope to provide is connection, knowledge, and community. I know firsthand how defeating lonely parenthood can be and how connection offers healing. Let us begin as I walk beside you sharing what I hope will serve you.
From College to Company Founding
In the spring of 2010, I was midway through my Master’s Degree in Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). Social justice and behavior analysis filled my every waking hour. It was only three years earlier that I was teaching preschool, wondering how my autistic students would get access to care. In those days I walked the halls of residential mental health hospitals bearing witness to what happens when children do not get that access and become adults. At twenty-three years old my heart broke as I saw the most vulnerable beings on earth with an immense lack of care. I was working on the Illinois Crisis Prevention Network with the most amazing mentor; Kim Shontz. My position during this time was a Board-Certified Assistant Behavior Analyst tasked with stabilizing the most severe cases in Illinois. I worked with children as young as three to the elderly with one goal: decrease their behaviors and increase community access. Doing this work during my Master’s Degree gave me the advantage of applying the science with the support of faculty.
The results were incredible.
In the two years I worked on the ICPN I had nearly a 100% success rate of meeting the team’s goal. Applied behavior analysis offered the tools necessary to decrease the behaviors and the ICPN’s resources allowed the individuals to then access their community. The issue here was that every individual we served was state-funded without insurance coverage for ABA. It was early in the years that ABA was state-mandated by insurance (2008 for Illinois). The state saw the benefit but did not provide that access to all its residents; the burden being on the consumer. In 2012 I chose to start Instructional ABA Consultants with the mission to provide care across all funding sources. I enrolled as a BCBA for state funding that larger corporations wouldn’t touch; it didn’t pay enough. With a caseload of 20 clients, I began.
What I witnessed all those years ago and deeply desired still rings true today. I witnessed a series of systems that were failing our children and adults with disabilities. The number of kind-hearted, talented people who work within these systems would astound you. Yet they are always working without enough. I would like to believe people who hold positions of power surrounding these systems know of their shortcomings. Yet as time has aged me, I’ve begun to realize that sometimes people only see what they are capable of seeing. Who among us could say they directly supported a system that at its best denied access to care to children and at its worst made billionaires off healthcare profit margins? As humans, it can be incredibly difficult to look at the harm we’ve created because we do not want to believe we have it in us. If each of us was so brave to witness this harm I truly believe it would stop existing. Our hearts would break and from the fracture, an equitable world would be reborn. That day has not come yet and so it is my job to continue to witness the shortcomings of the systems around us and tenderly hold my desire.
Our Greatest Wish
My desire is this: that all children are given the very best chance at life we can give them, that their families are held in support, and should we have failed them as children serve them kindly and well as adults.
I am lucky enough today to be surrounded by a team of BCBAs who desire the same thing in their work at Instructional ABA Consultants. While imperfect, we share the same vision of using the science of Applied Behavior Analysis to transform the lives we touch.
As a mama, with children who have also needed support from others, I now know how precious our work is not just from a professional standpoint, but personally. The sea of parenting a child whose needs are different from the other children can be a dark and swirling world. Yet the waves can calm as resources are offered that will uplift your family to shore. Wade with me darlings, perhaps together we can create a lifeline for all.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper
