by Jessie Cooper | Dec 26, 2019
Last week we dove into attention-maintained behaviors and what to do when your little one is engaging in challenging behaviors to gain your (or others) attention. This week we’re going to jump into talking about what to do when your child is engaging in problem behaviors to access escape. So, in turn, we’re going to talk all about my son, Henry.
To begin let’s remember the recipe for identifying if your child is engaging in problem behavior to escape your demand. First, you, as the parent, ask your child to do something. Next, your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you. Lastly, you remove the demand to avoid the behavior. Look at the middle part again. “Your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you.” What this means is your child has figured out what behavior they can use to make you essentially back off. As a mama this is tough. I know this as a clinician, but I’m also living it.
A few weeks ago we talked about making a list of behaviors that are not OK in your home. My list was hitting, spitting, and yelling at an adult. Henry does all three of these things every day at some point to escape my demands. “Now wait a second!” you’re saying. “You are our guide, the ticket out of these behaviors and your son does these things on a daily basis?” Yes, but stay with me!
Raising A Strong-Willed Child
Henry, from infancy, has been a strong-willed child. I’m a strong-willed woman and Henry’s Daddy is Bulgarian, so he got a double dose of stubbornness.
I remember writing this in Henry’s baby journal, “I didn’t know babies came out like you.” When we were sleep training Henry at 6 months, he would lay on his belly popping his pacifier in and out of his mouth watching the door then when we walked in he’d flip over and start crying. Smart little guy. Since then it’s been a steep learning curve to stay ahead of Henry. He is a bright child, full of love, life, and in his little brain, he knows best.
Henry has strong opinions about how his day should go. When I tell him it’s potty time, or it’s time to get dressed, or he needs to sit to eat, and so on and so forth, he will challenge me. Normally it’s just a vocal comment and an attempt to negotiate with us (negotiating with a two-year-old is tougher than it sounds!) to which I stand my ground most days. When it comes time to follow through with a task I need him to do (normally dressing, potty, buckle to eat), however, Henry will yell, hit, and even spit at times.
These behaviors first started to ramp up around the time we welcomed Henry’s brother, Declan into our lives. I wasn’t capable of finding the function, making a plan, or teaching a new skill when Henry’s new behaviors started. I was barely hanging on at the time and all I could give was showing up to get through the day. Henry’s new behaviors took hold mainly because I was occasionally reinforcing them (“Ok Henry, sit wherever just eat”). Henry learned that if he used these three behaviors (yelling/hitting/spitting) I would get pissed and give in from time to time. This was not a fun dance.
Working on Yourself to Help Your Children
Over the past few months, I’ve been working hard at calming down my own nervous system to be a better mama. Two kids under two is hard. I’ve been asking myself what I need to be able to do to take a step back and truly help my son by helping myself. It was in taking this step back and working out more, meditating more, playing more–working on me more–that I could objectively see his pattern. Before this point, I was just putting myself down, telling myself that as a clinician I should know how to fix this, even telling myself that I was a bad mom. This behavior didn’t help anyone and felt awful. When I took a step back, I was able to change the narrative and tell myself, “yes you’ve reinforced some of these behaviors, but that’s OK. You can change it now.” Simply said, I’m taking things day by day. Henry’s undesirable behaviors are not down to zero, mainly because Henry had learned that these behaviors work. It takes time to unteach this.
What this looks like for us now is that I wisely choose the demands I’ll place on Henry and give him a choice where a choice is available. I believe every child should have this balance. Henry can choose to open one toy bin (we play by theme so I can dump a bin and clean a bin up vs. having toys everywhere), what fruit or veggie he wants, what shirt he wants to wear, what movie to watch on movie night–all the fun stuff.
My husband, Martin, and I choose care routines and values. When it comes to following through with routines and values, we move forward regardless of Henry’s response. This look likes; “Henry, we’re eating. You don’t have to finish, but you have to try before you can get up,” or “It’s time to sit on the potty. When the timer goes off, you can get up,” and so on. This routine has lowered how often Henry engages in undesirable behaviors, but they still happen from time to time.
It’s going to take time for Henry to completely stop with these behaviors because he’s 2 and all limbic system. He also can’t tell me how these demands make him feel, so I model this for him. “I’m mad about potty!” It’s OK for him to not like something or not want to do it, but we all have to learn over time that there are things that just have to be done.
Working with Differently-Abled Children
If your child is differently-abled, they may be using certain behaviors to tell you a lot and you may need help to find out. For children with autism who are non-verbal or with limited verbal abilities, these behaviors are what they use to speak up! Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can help you find out what it is that your child is trying to escape, why, and how to build up language so that you, the parent, can then choose what demands are non-negotiable and what are your child’s choice within your home.
I hope this message serves you well and am wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 19, 2019
In a bustling world where busy is the new cool, I wanted to take a moment and give thanks for the time I’m given to write these blogs and the time you are taking to read them. This is quickly becoming my favorite part of the week and I am hoping my experiences are serving you.
Last week we talked about taking care of ourselves to find the “what and why” for our children. Over the next few weeks, I’m going to do a deep dive into each function of behavior. This week we’ll start with attention.
Everything happens for a reason; we dove into this a few blogs back (check it out here). In essence, the behaviors you and I engage in, as well as those of our children, are all a result of our environment. As social creatures we are almost always in a state of seeking or satiation (fullness), using our environment to get our needs met. This can be overwhelming when we think about how many tiny actions every human engages in each day. When we break down the big picture, however, it can be manageable and, I hope, life-changing.
Finding Out Why Your Child Seeks Attention
Let’s take a moment to imagine that your child is a big-time attention seeker or that they value attention from others. To start, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, we all have our reinforcers (things we like). In a balanced life what happens is your little (or big) someone really values their families or peers’ attention. Through the day they fill this need by asking questions, playing, reading, cuddling, or overwhelming their parents, siblings, and peers. It sounds lovely, right?
In many of our homes, however, especially when our children desire a lot of attention, we ourselves become overwhelmed. I can’t tell you how many times it’s made me feel worse when someone tells me, “But it has to feel good, Henry tantrums more for you because it means he loves you! You’re his mom!” I mean come on. Who, if any of us, are high fiving ourselves at the end of the day when our child has screamed at us for the 15th time? I’m normally slinking to a quiet room with Netflix and rerunning the day to try and prepare for tomorrow. So what can you do if you have a little attention seeker whose behaviors bring Big Feelings?
First, step back and identify the behaviors that are bothering you and your child that are in fact maintained by attention-seeking. Remember, the recipe we’re talking about is first; the absence of your attention (you are busy), second; your child’s disruptive behavior occurs, and third; you stop what you are doing to provide attention. Once you identify one of these cycles, you’ll see that attention is driving the behavior. After identifying this, there is a lot you can do.
Putting a Stop to Disruptive Behavior
First and foremost, we stop giving attention to the disruptive behavior and start prompting a more appropriate behavior. For example, if Henry is yelling “Mama” fifty times while I’m cooking, I can pause, wait for the yelling to stop, and then ask Henry to say, “excuse me, Mama,” then thank him. I can repeat this throughout the day to teach Henry that yelling at me isn’t going to gain my attention. This works, I promise but it needs some supporting pieces to not exhaust you!
The supporting pieces are jobs for both you and your child; we both have work to do. Your job is to figure out how often your child needs one on one attention (in ABA we call this the schedule) and pause throughout your day to give it to them. If your little someone is filled up on attention, they won’t need to yell at you for it. Make sense, right? Sure, but you’re still exhausted because now you’re just doing floor time every hour and prompting, “excuse me, Mama,” while you’re attempting to run your home.
This is where the job for your child comes in. In my case, Henry will need to learn to wait on a schedule that works for his age and his family. I can’t be one on one with Henry all day. Remember Declan? My thriving company, sometimes cool husband, and our dogs? They all take some of my time. I also carve out time for myself every day so Henry cannot have Mama all day every day. At his age (2), what this looks like is building up to waiting for about five minutes at a time and learning to independently play for about twenty minutes.
These five-minute little wait breaks teach Henry he’s OK without Mama and I’ll be back. The playing independently part keeps my sanity and I believe that it’s also incredibly important for him. It’s not my job as his mom to entertain him all day long. My job is to love him. To me, this also teaches him to respect my time and build up empathy. It’s OK for Mama to talk to another adult, answer the phone, cook, etc. without giving Henry constant attention. It’s working well for my family as we build it in.
Keep Up With Your Child’s Development
Now, as your child gets older you’ll expect higher wait times. By the age of five, you can expect your child to build up to at least fifteen minutes of waiting and thirty minutes to an hour of free play. Then this just increases through elementary and high school years. If your child is differently-abled and has autism, you may need additional help. Communication is one of the harder things for a child with autism to learn, so they use their behaviors to tell you what they need. ABA (applied behavior analysis) is your friend here; it will do the heavy lifting when it comes to figuring out what your child is trying to communicate, then teach them the missing skills.
If your child is four or younger, a clinic setting is going to be the best place for your child to get individual support while also learning from their peers. My favorite environment is at my practice. From here a team will help you build out a routine in your home to tone down the attention-seeking behaviors and build up communication (among many other things). It’s a win-win, I promise!
I hope this message serves you well on your journey into the world of ABA. If you give it some time you’ll begin to see it’s healing benefits.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 12, 2019
Last week I spent time going over your little (or big!) one’s developmental capabilities using neuroscience. I started to lay the framework for looking at how your child’s environment determines their behavior. It was a lot of information to digest and I get that. It took me years to really hone in on the science of behavior, then a few more years really applying it to get it. Having my own children helped me realize neurological abilities matter. I know that becoming a behavioral scientist and researcher when they grow up is most likely not every little girl’s dream. You’re probably thinking “yes, of course, you want the difficult behaviors to end, but how can you even start to apply ABA (applied behavior analysis) to your daily life?”
Just like everything else it starts with you, the parent. Now, I could jump into a long lecture about how all the challenging behaviors in our homes happen because we somehow reinforce them. That would make me feel miserable as a mom and I’m sure it would make you feel miserable too. We’re going to pass on that one. While there is some truth that we play a part in the behaviors our children engage in, what we’re really responsible for, first and foremost, is taking care of ourselves.
This sounds overwhelming when you’re raising young children, especially if you are raising exceptional children with different abilities like autism. In a case like that pretty much anything can happen within the span of a few minutes. This can be nerve-wracking! If you are taking care of a young child who is not meeting their milestones, another layer of worry may be added on. Whether your child isn’t walking, isn’t talking, won’t eat, or is showing some signs of autism, I know firsthand just how deep worry can sit in a mother’s heart. Daily worrying on top of trying to actually attend to the vivacious little someone in your life and you, yourself, may get lost.
Being the Best Parent You Can
But here’s the thing. Regardless of where you are in your parenting journey, you were perfectly designed to be this little someone’s mom (or dad). All the stress you carry and worries that overwhelm you come from being a good parent! If we let that stress and worry carry us, however, we can’t be our best selves. If we give in to stress, we can’t possibly be our best selves to our children. As parents, we need to be able to step away and find little ways to relax each day. After a while, we can add these little breaks up into a self-care routine so we can be our best selves to our children.
I know you’ve heard this phrase a million different ways, but you just can’t drive a car without gas (or electric!). In the same way, you cannot fully take care of your children the way you want to if you’re running on fumes. I can’t ask you to step back and neutrally observe your child’s behavior if your nervous system is so overloaded a dog barking will make you snap. So, before you start digging into this and ask yourself “what” about your child concerns you or “why,” first you need to ask, “what do I need to do this well?”
Help Your Family by Helping Yourself
It could be getting back into the gym, getting good food in, making time to call a good friend– heck, even going out with a good friend with no kids! It can be anything that makes you feel like you. Once you find what little things that make you feel at home with yourself, keep them up! Start building them into a little routine that you can follow regardless of what is happening in your home.
My routine is getting to the gym regularly, limiting sugar & processed food, seeing my friends with or without kids, talking to my sister, and carving out date time with my husband. Also, as an introvert, on any given day I need to excuse myself for 5-10 minutes to meditate or lay down to regain my energy. This doesn’t mean I’m meditating non-stop or that I’m out with friends every evening, but it does mean I know that in the thick of parenting these options are available to me for some ‘recharging.’
Once you are able to find a way to calm down that hot mama (or papa) nervous system and come home to yourself, things will become a little clearer. It won’t make life perfect but it makes it more manageable. For me, it even brings a bit of inner peace. In finding a way to take care of yourself you’re then ready to step back and start making calmer decisions about your children. From jumping into functions of behavior to making the difficult decision to get extra help or therapies, knowing that you’re making tough decisions from your authentic self will help. That’s the good stuff.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 5, 2019
As a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) I’ve heard a lot of criticisms about ABA (applied behavior analysis) therapy. I think the bulk of these criticisms come from the misunderstanding that ABA is a field full of “Super Nannies.” Many misinformed people think that as soon as you raise your hand and say you’re having a hard time with your child, an ABA therapist will swoop in with the ‘naughty step.’
People who are familiar with ABA often think of BCBAs as enforcers. I won’t lie to you, we are a consistent breed of people but it’s not because we seek to enforce. We are scientists seeking to understand. BCBA’s are interested in why behaviors happen, so we can improve the quality of life for whole families. It’s that simple.
Functions of Behavior in Children
Now, before we jump into functions of behavior, it’s important to take a side step and look at neurology and development. If you don’t know where your child is developmentally you can often expect too much (or too little) from them. Toddlers are all limbic system, meaning there is no logic in their tiny little bodies. When I learned this, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t begin to develop until three or four years of age.
Going further; In women the prefrontal cortex fully develops by 18 years. In men it’s 25 years(sorry guys!). So, while we need to be consistent with our children, we also need to realize what they are capable of. There’s a way to do both, I promise.
For starters; yes, everything does happen for a reason. When we come into the world, we come with a unique personality and a set environment. It is the environment that shapes our behaviors.
In ABA we don’t seek to change who someone is. We want to bring out who that special someone is! If a person is tantruming all day long, however, it will exhaust both them and their parents. What is helpful is to show parents why certain behaviors are occurring, to remove the reinforcers around a particular behavior and teach a new skill.
Parenting to Avoid Bad Behavior
As parents, you and I get to decide what behaviors we don’t want our children to engage in. Your list is going to look totally different than mine, which is 100% OK, but how to approach it will be the same.
This approach is pretty simple, once you have your list of behaviors. With this list (my list includes spitting, hitting, and screaming), you’ll start to look for what came before the behavior (antecedent) and what came after the behavior (consequence). As you record this information, a pattern will most likely emerge to show you what your little person is trying to achieve with these behaviors.
Here’s a quick way to look for four functions:
Attention:
Parent is preoccupied. Behavior occurs. Parent gives attention by engaging or scolding their child.
Escape:
Parent asks their child to something. Behavior occurs. Parent gives in to the demand to avoid the behaviors.
Tangible
Child asks for item/activity and is told no. Behavior occurs. Parent gives in to said item/activity.
Automatic:
Physically your child has needs like is hungry, tired, or in pain, so you go ahead and help them!
Analyzing Your Child’s Behavior
Soon you will start to see what your child is after with their behaviors. For me, there is a ‘two-step’ because of my son Henry’s age (two years). For any child beyond the age of 4, the two-step just changes order.
Step one is to let Henry melt down while I provide a neutral, safe space for him to get his ‘Big Feelings’ out because he’s in his limbic system and is feeling unsafe. For us this looks like limited talking, modeling deep breaths, and big hugs if he’ll let me.
Step two is making sure he doesn’t get his desired consequence. For attention this would be, “Mommy is still busy cooking let’s set a timer and then I’ll play,” Then, for escape, this would simply be not letting him escape the demand, “Yes you still have to put pants on.” Or, for a tangible, it’s a “No you can’t watch TV, let’s make another choice.”
If Henry were four or older I would flip this and remove the consequence he wanted first and then talk about the Big Feeling after he calmed down. Because he can’t self-regulate yet, I feel it’s important to model this for him. I know other BCBA’s out there who would disagree (and they’re not wrong), but it’s what I feel works for me as a Mama.
Learn What Works For Your Child
I think we would all benefit a little more from a world that says “it’s OK to feel this way, but no, you can’t do XYZ,” vs. “your desires are wrong, get over it.” After his behaviors occur, I also work to teach Henry how to use his words, tolerance to the word ‘no,’ and how to wait. In my opinion, these are essential skills for anyone dealing with young children.
I know it’s a lot to digest. To think that every little thing your child does is to achieve an outcome in their environment is new and overwhelming. I hope that if you start applying the steps outlined in this article that relief is on the way. Seeking to understand your little someone doesn’t have an instant solution. And hey, maybe you’ll start understanding a little bit more about yourself.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Nov 21, 2019
Last week I told you I could write for days about why I started my work. Don’t worry—today isn’t that day—but I do want to talk about a related topic. A large part of my clinical work history was spent reducing problem behaviors while I was working on a crisis team in Illinois. I spent around three years working with both children and adults who had some of the most severe behaviors in the state at that time.
Working with ASD Children
During my tenure with the crisis team, I successfully taught parents, caregivers, and staff why the individual they loved or supported was engaging in their problem behaviors. The lessons included what families could do when the behavior happens, and teaching new skills to replace the behavior. I had a 100% success rate with my clients and prided myself in this. The work I did with the crisis team doesn’t hold a candle to the toddler tantrums of my first child, Henry. After reading the last sentence, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “what little monster is she raising?” I can tell you that’s not the case. Henry is a spirited, wonderful little boy who quizzes me on dinosaurs daily, loves ice cream (who doesn’t), snuggles for hours reading with me, and always dances like no one is watching. But Henry, like every other two year I know, has Big Emotions. These Big Emotions took me for a spin when they started.
Coping with Difficult Behavior
Let’s back up for a second. When I did my work with the crisis team, what made me so successful? Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) has this cool science that studies why behaviors occur. It’s broken down into four categories; behavior happens to gain access to attention, escape from..(fill in the blank), access to tangibles/activities, or automatic (physiological) consequences. By consequences, I mean what follows a behavior. Say, for example, you’re busy making dinner and your child starts to yell or hit. You would probably stop cooking, scold your child, and move on. Your child is looking for your attention. Another example; you ask your child to come get dressed and they begin running and screaming through the house. Your child is trying to escape the demand. Run this recipe a few times over just about everything and you’ll start to see the patterns too. It’s eye-opening. When I did my work with the crisis team and later at my own company (Instructional ABA Consultants), I used this science to customize treatments by using this type of analysis. I would teach what the client is trying to achieve through their problem behaviors, how not to reinforce (or reward) them, and how to teach new skills in place of the problem behaviors.
Difficult Behavior and Family
Back to my situation; so why couldn’t I do this with my darling boy Henry? I have honestly spent a solid six months asking that question and beating myself up over it. Naturally, I reached out to my ‘mom tribe’ for help. I took to heart a lot of reminders from my ‘mom tribe,’ and read a wonderful book, “How to Stop Losing your Shit with your Kids.” When you are a parent and not a clinician you are emotionally attached to this little someone. You are also, almost all the time, running on fumes. When I had a 100% success rate with the crisis team I always had a full night’s rest, fresh coffee, done a morning workout, and chosen my schedule for the day. I was rested, in the zone, and able to come in to provide our cool science, train. On top of all that, every day, like magic I got to leave! With my own children, I’ve spent the better part of two years feeling 100% responsible for their wellbeing. If I’m being truthful I’ve been on overdrive for no good reason other than beating myself up over “doing it right.” Sound familiar? To change the dynamic at home I had to change my own behaviors and it started with self-care. It was impossible to objectively intervene during a toddler tantrum with my own tank so low. I needed to find little ways to start taking care of myself again and not feel guilty about it. I had to calm my nervous system down.
Finding A Balance
Now, while I’m still microwaving my coffee on any given day, I’m also noticing what it feels like to be stressed and taking action. I can’t say enough about the suggestions in the book I referenced above, as it walked me through many self-care steps. As mothers, we are still human and can’t expect ourselves to be “on,” at any given moment. In an emergency, yes, we should absolutely be there, but those 15 minutes of quiet time while you meditate, listen to music, or nap? These short self-care breaks are not damaging your child, they are actually helping them because you are helping you. Moms need to give themselves more frequent passes on being themselves versus being “mom” all the time. The feeling of being overly responsible for my children has changed now that I allocate a bit of time for myself. I also follow a new rule. When I’m feeling frustrated I pause, breathe, and do something recommended by “How to Stop Losing Your Shit with your Kids.” Henry and I do A LOT of down dog yoga poses. In treating myself better I’m able to step back and objectively look at Henry’s tantrums. Who knew that helping my kids started with helping myself? A good colleague of mine reminded me in the throes of motherhood that “ABA is always available to us.” Now that my tank is full“er” (remember I have two kids under two!) I can look to see what Henry is trying to achieve, help him use his words, be safe, and feel so much better about myself. It’s in doing less that I am finally beginning to feel like I’m doing more. While my days aren’t perfect they’re getting better. Using science and self-care are my current jam for tolerating tantrums. Xoxo, Jessie
