An Application of Love

by Jessie Cooper | Feb 16, 2023

Over the past several months I’ve been writing to you about uncomfortable emotions from children, parenting, and the bruises in your heart. In reading these blogs, you’re thinking, “Okay, we get it Eeyore! Negative shit happens.” I’ve been writing about it a lot and will most likely dive into these topics again. I did spend my early 20s specializing in the reduction of high-magnitude, dangerous behaviors as a young clinician. I love hard emotions and challenging behaviors; not because of, well, the challenge, but because of the messages behind them. In my work as a Board Certified Behavior Analyst, I was given the gift of knowledge. The knowledge that all behaviors have a function and a remedy if we want to invite them to leave.

Today, I’d like to flip the script (sorry Eeyore!) and tell you about what I believe the function and remedies are for our negative emotions. I would also like to plant the seed that as we intentionally offer to heal complex emotions, we can change our outlook and behaviors. That is what I want for you, what I want for everyone. I want us to know as humans that we are not the sum of our negative emotions, behaviors, and experiences. Yes, they are a part of life, but I truly believe that who we are and what we need is love. Let’s dive in.

Recognizing The Separation From Love 

In writing to you about the bravery of witnessing your pain, I’ve asked you to lean into emotions and/or experiences that have brought you discomfort so that you may offer yourself healing. I’m sure I’ve written somewhere that an unhealed wound metastasizes. In asking yourself to witness your pain, what I truly am asking you to do is to ask yourself, “baby where does it hurt?” to your brave heart.

A surgeon or doctor asks you the same question to find out how to heal your physical wounds. Similarly to physical pain, our emotional pain must be identified to know what type of wound we have and what healing words and actions it needs. The difference here is that with physical wounds the treatments will vary based on the wound. With emotional wounds, while they need to be named to heal, the treatment is always self-love and boundaries.

You see the origin of emotional wounding is an experience when we were separated from our loving presence and subscribed to fear instead. In these moments something happened that was too overwhelming to stay in our loving nature and so we left ourselves. We left to either avoid or fight the fear and pain that came to us. We emotionally ran or armored up because we felt, well, threatened. In our subconscious minds, we innately choose this response because our species is one of survival. If there is a threat, you have to get away from that threat. At least that’s how our brains have developed starting back when we were avoiding the Saber Tooth Tigers. “Danger, no good, run or defend yourself!” The tricky part about the modern human is that emotionally we still respond to perceived threats like a tiger and have to do the work to know why we even responded that way.

Reconnect With The Love

Let me say more. Our brains are that of survival, they want to keep us safe and so we have billions of ways our brain speaks to itself to protect us. Our brain doesn’t speak to our conscious mind, it goes on autopilot. As our brain sees threats, because either our body or emotions say there is a threat, our brain then creates a series of stories and strategies to keep us safe from the threat. The primary problem with this is that conscious rerouting is normally done in childhood through stories of shame instead of reality. We all have a unique pattern or story of shame that was derived from a negative experience we wanted to protect ourselves from. As this shame story took root in our mind, each time fear came to us our shame told us, “there is something wrong with you but I can protect you from this fear.” When shame takes over our narrative, love is shut out, when love is shut out it’s impossible to heal. This is incredibly frustrating because shame when embeds itself into our subconscious, layers into multiple forms, and can last from decades to a lifetime. Shame is always the scar over your wound and a separation from love. This is why love is how we heal, our emotional wounds need to reconnect to our loving nature because fear separates us.

There is a peaceful existence when we can witness our scars, and the scars we gave to others, then offer them the love they always needed. Witnessing can bring up deep moments of pain, just as we sit in that pain and allow love in, the pain will go away. As love takes over we can offer the original wound the care it deserves, the repair that will change your wiring. Offering love to your core wounds and shame stories disconnects us from fear and reconnects us to our loving nature. When we are connected to our loving nature our life becomes ours again. We become the person we always were and can choose our path with intention and not based on the fears of our past.

This work is the bravest work we can do; to face the demons of our past that hold our hurt. Yet it’s also the most healing experience you can offer yourself so when pain comes now, or in the future, it does not reroute who you are and or what you believe about yourself. When you stay rooted in love you can heal all wounds and live a life of peace.

This is my wish for you.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper

What’s in the Wound?

by Jessie Cooper | Feb 9, 2023

Over the course of the past month, I’ve been writing to you about, well, the not-so-popular emotions. We’ve taken a journey through toddlerhood, parenting, and the danger of disconnecting from our emotional world. I’ve encouraged you to lean in, stay with your discomfort, and allow yourself to feel your divinely human emotions. Have you tried it? Chosen a moment that would usually prompt your running shoes and instead slid down next to yourself? If you have, I’m curious. How are you feeling? What was it like? What is in your wound?

I ask these questions because it is against our nature to stay in discomfort. Choosing to stay with your “negative” (ok, not jazzy) emotions is not something that is, well, comfortable. Believe me, I know. Actively choosing to both witness and stay with dysregulated emotions is nothing short of brave, because it can be painful. Yet in doing this work and approaching the pain is the only true way to know what the wound consists of that is causing this pain. It is the knowledge of what is causing us pain that allows us to first offer ourselves compassion. Through this compassion, we are able to bravely continue our journey and heal.

Diving Into the Wound

So what is in the wound? When we’ve noticed that we’re experiencing a negative emotion and choose to stay in our discomfort what will we find? I know I’ve told you to follow her before but Tara Brach’s U-Turn is the best practice I’ve found to do this investigative work. When you’ve chosen to stay in discomfort and look at your pain (wound) you’ve already done the hard work, I promise. The urge to flee from negative emotions is powerful (thanks reptilian brain) and staying with them takes active work. As you push aside all of the past coping mechanisms that allowed you to ignore the wound you are building a new neural pathway that tells your mind it is safe to explore this pain. Not just safe, necessary. Imagine yourself on Ms. Frizzle’s school bus, armored enough to go in, but curious enough to learn.

As you approach your wound what will you find? What is it that is causing the dysregulation? What needs love, care, and compassion from, well, you? I’m not going to lie to you, what you find might range from, “huh that’s annoying,” to full-blown trauma that has metastasized in your subconscious and therefore body. The wound is your wound and whatever is there are life experiences that you couldn’t, for whatever reason, provide yourself the love and care you needed at that time. That reason could be simple and you merely didn’t have the tools to emotionally take care of yourself say when you were rejected on the playground growing up. It could be complex like my own Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Each wound has a different size, origin, and healing need and yet each wound is equal.

Equal you say? How could feeling left out be equal to let’s say an Aversive Childhood Event? Well, my theory on this is that wounds should not be measured against their importance and instead evaluated to provide the treatment each wound needs. A papercut on your thumb is still going to cause you pain when you squeeze a lemon and so is a car accident. All wounds need treatment, the amount and type are simply different. Our soul needs us to look at each wound for that exact reason; to know what type of care our beautiful souls need.

Delving Into The Roots

In coming to the wound as an observer we are able to disconnect from the thoughts, “I am the sum of my wounds,” and instead shift into the mindset, “my wounds are real and need care.” As we approach our wounds the tricky thing, among other reasons, is that some of our wounds require brave witnessing of how we hurt others. This is the part of the wound that creates shame that when it goes unchecked creates harm to our brothers and sisters. The original wound (as you go deeper in this work) will almost certainly be a wound you experienced yourself that bred suffering. However, when acknowledged that wound will grow into behaviors that either hurt you or others and that shit is difficult to look at. I don’t know if there are other T-Swift fans reading but her song Anti-Hero is my current theme song for this brave work. “It’s me, hi, I’m the monster, it’s me.” We all have monsters, and we all treat ourselves and others in ways that we shouldn’t.

I do however believe that this type of wounded behavior can lessen in our lifetime from an overwhelming existence of disconnection to small hiccups easily repaired with a glass of water; a self-love glass that is. We do not have to stay in a world where we are spiraling and constantly wounding and re-wounding ourselves and others. Trust me, I know firsthand that sometimes this can feel very real as a woman who proudly wears the title of survivor. I have seen and experienced some messed up shit from other people and struggled to care for myself during that time. But what I know to be true is that when I lash out because I’m upset about how other people are treating me, I feel worse, not better.

I don’t want to feel worse; I want to feel free. That freedom only comes from brave witnessing, healing, and offering ourselves a life where wounds do not select our futures for us, we choose them for ourselves.

It’s okay sweetheart, everyone hurts, lean in and offer your beautiful soul compassion. If you’re feeling lost, gently kiss your own shoulder, stroke your own cheek, and breathe baby, breathe.

Xoxo,
Jessie

Witnessing Pain

by Jessie Cooper | Feb 2, 2023

A few weeks ago I wrote to you about the danger of disconnecting. In it, I guided you to look at how disconnecting from our own emotional world can bring harm to ourselves and our world. Over the last several weeks, I’ve been walking through a challenging situation where disconnection was bringing true harm to the people that I love. And, Ok, me. I can’t tell you who or what the situation is to protect the safety of those involved. I can tell you that while this past month has brought incredible pain, it has also allowed me to witness love in its highest form. As I witnessed the pain, my own and others, I felt as though my previous blog barely scratched the surface of the danger I alluded to. I’d like to say more in an effort to walk each other home to peace.

Disconnection, An Existential Threat

I don’t know if I wrote this clearly enough last time, but I truly believe that disconnection is the number one threat to humanity and our planet today. I also believe that connection offers healing that can serve as the solution to this threat. To me, very simply disconnection is the act of removing yourself from the pain that you cause or experience. I believe that this form of disconnection begins subconsciously and builds throughout our lifetime for the purpose of survival. As we age and bury this disconnection shame is birthed and we begin to split from ourselves and our world.

Have you ever felt that there is something just, “not right,” with you? Battled or spoke to yourself in ways that you would never speak to a friend? I have. It’s always shame. Under that shame is a need not met because I have disconnected myself from the time the root shame, and problem, presented itself. I became distant from myself and in this distance, I could not offer myself compassion or provide accountability where accountability was needed. I believe that we all do this.

Let me give an example to see if I can help you see what I see. Let’s start with childhood, you’re a little girl and desperately want a toy your sister is playing with. In reaction to this, you scream at her, hit her, and inevitably get pulled aside for a time out (or spanking, that shouldn’t happen in my opinion). Following this event, you are in pain, both at your bottom and emotionally. To repair this you disconnect yourself from how you behaved, place the blame on wanting the toy, and snuggle into the idea that if your sister had let you have a turn none of this would have happened. It’s her fault for not sharing right? That version is certainly easier to digest than, “I hurt my sister’s body and I love her.” You begin to build a narrative that bypasses the harm that you are causing others, and the pain you feel yourself. Make sense?

Burying Pain Has Its Roots In Our Reptilian Brain

We can build this up into a million different scenarios that all have the same plot line. The plot goes like this; you either experience pain from another person or hurt another person (or living creature, or planet) and in response to that pain you bury it and provide yourself a comforting narrative to get through that pain. In this act of burying the pain you caused (or feel), you start a ripple effect in your subconscious of disconnecting from yourself, what is present, and what is real. You tell yourself that what is real is too painful to witness and that escaping that pain is what you need to do to survive. Of course, it is at that moment, you are human, yes? Our instinct for survival dates back thousands of years. When we bury the pain, we are in our reptilian brain, the part of our brain that is in control of our innate and automatic self-preserving behavior patterns, which ensure our survival and that of our species.

The problem here is that we aren’t reptiles, we are emotional beings that need language and action when we experience pain. This part of our brain doesn’t recognize that need, it’s done its job by preserving you. Yet our souls, lives, and earth need that language to process the pain and to prevent new pain from forming as a result of this unhealed wound. Without acknowledging the reality of the pain, we simply cannot repair it, and so it becomes buried. Buried pain disrupts our lives and, when unchecked, creates devastation both to ourselves and the world. We have this tiny mad idea that looking at the pain will make us monsters. That acknowledgment of our wrongdoings will lament the reality that we are in fact a bad person. And if we are a bad person, who hurts ourselves and others, how can we get up the next morning?

Pain Is Not Irreparable, But It Must Be Witnessed

What if I told you that you’re not a bad person, you’re a human being, and all human beings hurt others? That unintentionally (most of the time…) harm is done every single day? And that it isn’t the harm that is causing the real pain, but your failure to repair the harm you caused? Harm happens, it just does. The only way to heal is to witness the harm we are causing ourselves, others, and the world. Without this brave witnessing pain breeds more pain. With this witnessing, we are able to acknowledge how/who we hurt and start anew; including ourselves. We are able to offer apologies, repair our behaviors, and offer compassion to ourselves so that we can heal the wound that caused that pain. In healing the original wound, pain leaves, and peace settles in.

In this repair, it’s important to know that if you hurt another person, forgiveness is theirs to give and not owed to you. Forgiveness can only be offered when the wounded have healed and it is not the responsibility of the wounded to abdicate the person who caused the harm. It is your job to acknowledge the hurt and provide the emotional support your own heart needs in the aftermath of pain.

It is not what you do, who you hurt, or how you fall that matters. What matters is taking accountability for your actions, offering yourself grace, and aligning yourself with the intentional work of “do no harm.” Start today anew, offer yourself the gift of brave witnessing, and help us all as we shift to a more kind and peaceful planet.

Xoxo,
Jessie

The Danger of Disconnecting

by Jessie Cooper | Jan 12, 2023

Last week I wrote to you about the importance of taking care of your emotional well-being during the rocky road of parenting. In the blog I noted how we all experience big, negative emotions and how that doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human. I ended the blog with Tara Brach’s gentle U-Turn in hopes of sharing a strategy that has held my own bruised heart so many times. I shared this with you with the intention of letting you know that when you experience negative emotions, you are not alone. In our society happiness is so often featured as a gleaming trophy to be won. Happiness, at least from where I’m sitting, isn’t a trophy it’s just part of the human experience the same as each and every one of our emotions; all eighty-seven according to Dr. Brene Brown’s, Atlas of the Heart.

Eight-seven you might say? That’s incredibly overwhelming! I can definitely understand that initial reaction and Dr. Brene Brown is attempting to provide language for our internal world because without language our experience as humans is limited. I knew from my own work as a BCBA the importance of language in decreasing challenging behaviors with my clients. As a young graduate, I didn’t understand the importance of knowing, naming, and accepting the emotions behind our language. It was through her work that I came to understand that we are in fact emotional beings that developed language and then behaved.

Acknowledging Emotions is For Warriors

I also used to believe as a young woman, as so many of us have, that emotions were a sign of weakness. That if I acknowledged my own emotions it meant I wasn’t strong or competent enough to navigate the world. I’m an empathetic person and I feel emotions so deeply that sometimes I feel on fire and frozen all at the same time. I used to believe that if I could control my emotions I would be strong enough to navigate this hellfire. My intention was one of survival and this type of mentality did not make me safer, stronger, or provide the trophy of happiness. Instead, a chapter in my life disconnected me from myself. That disconnection placed me in real danger and through the painful process of witnessing my reality and emotions I am now free.

In coming out on the other side of danger I thought that I would have a wave of peace. That the hard work of feeling my difficult emotions and accepting reality would once again bring me back to happiness; it didn’t. It brought me instead to the foothills of integrity which is far better, I promise (just read Martha Becks’ great work). I’m going to be honest with you.  When I started this incredible work and way of living I still thought of happiness as a goal. At the time it was a beacon of light I could hold onto. What I didn’t realize at the time was the dichotomy of both beauty and devastation that life brings to all of us.

Life isn’t made to be happy all of the time because if it was we would all be only accepting one out of eight seven emotional states our minds take us through. We would be shoving down and ignoring our own vast internal landscape and ignoring what makes us gloriously and frighteningly human. It would bar us from celebrating, no basking, in our own joyful landscape of emotions, wrapping our arms around our deep sorrow, and bringing accountability to our own emotions that cause harm either to ourselves or others. Feeling only happy would make us feel empty. Attempting to only feel happy not only disconnects us from ourselves but it disconnects us from our world.

Daring to “Feel Everything?”

I have not educated myself enough on the origin of this tiny mad idea, the idea of only accepting happiness. However, through my own lived experiences as well as beginning to witness what is truly in front of me and our world I know this much; it is dangerous. Pretending like everything is fine to pay the toll for happiness actually does the opposite of what we think we are paying for. Subscribing to only a positive narrative while ignoring reality is where pain and suffering breed.

Somewhere along the way, we were all told we were weak if we allowed ourselves to feel everything. What if I told you that feeling everything allows you to be stronger than you ever thought possible? That feeling everything allows you to not only live a divinely human experience but gives you the strength to challenge and subsequently change the atrocities of the world. That you must tend to your own heart and wounds to find the strength for the battle we must all join. The battle for a more just and loving planet.

This past weekend I watched “Live to Lead,” on Netflix and sat in awe of the young Greta Thunberg who chose to connect to our earth at such a young age. She’s an inspiration for who we can all become when we pay attention to the truth of our own voices and world. I’ll leave you with this quote, “I don’t want you to hope, I don’t want you to be hopeful. I want you to panic..and act as if the house is on fire because it is.” Greta Thunberg.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper