by Jessie Cooper | Apr 22, 2020
Last week in my blog I wrote about compassion and grace. I hope it served you. After identifying my own fears, I realized that so much more was going on behind them. It took guts to accept this followed by a bit of hard work to find what was really behind them.
Let me backtrack for a minute. There is nothing wrong with fear itself. Fear is a very useful instinct and absolutely necessary to survive. Fear tells us when we are in danger(remember, the amazing Tara Brach teaches about this). Fear told us over 10 thousand years ago how to survive; it’s instinctual. The problem with modern-day fear is it often becomes a story we’re making up versus a true danger. Sometimes it’s a little bit of both. So when we go behind our fears we have to sort them. Is the fear real, a story, or a mix? How do you know what type of fear you’re dealing with and what do you do with the fear once it’s named?
Recognizing Fear
Let’s start with the types of fear we deal with as humans. The first is physical fear within our control. This is a lion charging at you, a car that ran the red light, and anything else that could cause you physical pain or death. Our limbic system kicks in when we are dealing with these kinds of fears. Fight, flight, freeze. Our body ramps up to tell us how to respond and protect ourselves. If we have the right resources in that moment of fear (ex: brake pedal for the car coming at you) we can protect ourselves from the threat. This fear is super helpful and protective. However, our other fears like to dress up like physical fear and, in this guise, tell us they too are helpful. Let’s talk about them.
The next type of fear is fear beyond our control. This fear is a threat that comes into our lives that we cannot control. There is no brake pedal for this metaphorical speeding car coming full speed at you. These fears are almost always medical or life-altering in nature. These fears are a cancer diagnosis, heart disease, a baby born too early, divorce, being fired, a house burning down, etc.
These fears present themselves to let us know they are there. We usually have some options available to us to address them, but fears we can’t control often have outcomes we can’t control. When you or a loved one receives a cancer diagnosis, you/they can choose the treatment course with medical guidance. But what we can’t control is how the body will respond.
If you are fired from a job you cannot control working there again, but you can find new options for employment. These fears hurt. They just do. We see them, do what we can, given the resources available, but the outcomes are almost always beyond us. Not being able to control an outcome when a threat is present is hard. COVID-19 falls right into this category.
Rejecting Irrational Fear
This leads to the last type of fear; make-believe fear. This is the sticky, icky fear that we, as humans, create to try and cope with physical fear and fears beyond our control. It’s the story we’re making up and it causes anxiety. Make-believe fear tells us it’s helpful while driving us absolutely crazy at the same time.
As an example, let’s look at sanitizing per COVID-19. The truth is there are good sanitizing measures we can all take to reduce our exposure to COVID-19. A story you may be making up is that you need to sanitize your high touch areas 10 times a day and that if you don’t everyone in your family is going to contract COVID-19. Let’s look at another one. If you are afraid of how you’re parenting during COVID-19 you might tell yourself you are failing terribly. In response to this, you either step it up or scale it back to validate the fear. In both cases, you’re exhausting yourself mentally and putting yourself down. The reality is you can’t control kids being home 24/7 but you can just show up and do the best you can.
Is this making sense? Let’s keep it simple. Each fear we hold that is a story we’ve made up is not helpful or kind. This type of fear convinces us that if we behave a certain way that the fear will magically disappear. But it’s not gone–it’s amplified! The fear is driving the car. To put this fear down for good we have to name it, shine a light on it, and stop engaging in the behaviors associated with this fear. When we stop engaging in the behaviors associated with the fear it always hurts. That hurt sucks but is far kinder than tearing ourselves up in behaviors to avoid outcomes we cannot control. And in that hurt is a truth about what we really, truly need.
Using Fear to Stay Safe
Each story we’re making up is unique to all of us but as humans, it’s usually along the lines of needing love and belonging. To be seen. To be accepted. To be safe. Here’s the thing. We can be safe by identifying real fears versus stories. We can be seen by others once we see and know our authentic selves. Being accepted. That lives in your own heart, not anyone else’s. But when you love and accept yourself you can honor what you need from others.
This is my ask beautiful ones. Take this week to find some of the stories you are making up. Then put down the behaviors surrounding those stories and pick up some behaviors that show yourself some major love. Find a way to take care of yourself and through this, I promise you’ll be able to care for those you love too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Apr 8, 2020
Over the last several weeks, our country and world have changed more than I believe we ever imagined. Each person and business has had to rethink what our new “normal” looks like because of COVID-19. For the autism community and ABA (applied behavior analysis) providers, one aspect of our new normal is telehealth.
I can say with confidence that very few BCBA’s or ABA providers were savvy to telehealth prior to COVID-19. Telehealth was used on a very small scale in regions that are remote and therefore barren of service providers. Outside of these outliers, we are a face to face field. So what do we do with this new service delivery model? How can we as service providers use telehealth for ABA to help our clients and their families get as much access to care as possible during COVID-19? At Instructional ABA Consultants (IABA) we’re approaching this in a few different ways. I also think from a mom’s perspective there are several aspects I would personally consider if it were my child. I’d like to share both.
Telehealth at IABA Consultants
To start, at IABA we first had to consider the clinical standards we want to see for all of our clients. It’s one of our core values that clients make progress every week. In eight years of business, I know this piece has always been true for us. Our data speaks volumes. With COVID-19 I knew as the owner I was willing to approve new policies to support our families so long as this value held true. I hold a great deal of trust in our team of directors and followed their guidance to ensure clinical quality.
Now please remember that we are essential workers and many of our clients are receiving direct care with supervision via telehealth. The reason for all supervision being by telehealth is to decrease the number of people gathering (#socialdistancing). There is a portion of our clients whose families are choosing not to have ABA providers in the home during Shelter in Place. For these families, we created three options for telehealth to address the variety of clients we serve.
Telehealth Options at IABA Consultants
The first option is for our clients who can independently respond (understand conversation through technology). In this option, we are doing direct telehealth sessions with them. This option allows clients to get the same content of their ABA session over video sessions.
The second option for our clients who can learn via telehealth, but cannot respond independently, is to require a moderator (family member) to assist during telehealth sessions. During telehealth sessions with a moderator, the ABA therapist will send over data sheets & materials prior to the session then coach the moderator on how to run goals.
The third and final option is for clients whose families are either not opting into any type of direct session (one on one goal work) either in person or via telehealth. This option is also available for clients who BCBAs do not feel their programming is appropriate for telehealth (remember our value of progress!). This third option consists of weekly or bi-weekly parent training sessions. During these parent training sessions the BCBA reviews goals, provides materials, datasheets, and trains the parents on their child’s ABA programming.
All of these options provide a spectrum of care for our clients. With ABA therapy we know that the amount of hours impacts learning and behavior reduction. One sacrifice that is made via telehealth is that hours are reduced so the speed of progress will slow. However, the benefit here is that for all families who are opting out of ABA therapy in the home, but into telehealth, progress will not stall and their child will not significantly regress.
I like to think of telehealth options as a good fitness program. When you are able to go to the gym and get goals from your trainer you will most likely make steady progress toward your goal. If the gym is not available and you’re now jogging outside you’re still making progress, but it’s not as fine-tuned as the gym. It’s progress, as you stay fit, but maybe you lose 2lbs instead of 5lbs this month. Telehealth tailored to our clients is like a really good jog and I’m beyond grateful for the response of the insurance providers to make this an option.
Telehealth from a Mom’s Perspective
Now, as promised, I want to take a moment to talk about telehealth as a mama. If my children were receiving this service I know that there are two things that would be important to me. The first piece I would want is for the telehealth session not to act as a babysitter. I would want my child to be actively learning not sitting and zoning. I can turn my own TV on. To monitor for this I would make sure the BCBA on the case was overlapping these sessions (also remotely), updating data, and providing weekly summaries of learning.
The second piece I would be mindful of is how much time my child is spending with the telehealth option. As I said above, ABA therapy improves outcomes based on the amount of time a child receives therapy each week. I don’t think this is true for telehealth. I would be wary as a mama if my service provider still wanted to do 40 hours of ABA via telehealth. At IABA we’re looking at between 30 minutes to an hour at a time based on the learner. These can be multiple times per day but eliminates the worry of just keeping a screen on all day with no progress. If both of these pieces (progress & length) were monitored for my child I would feel at ease with telehealth as a short term solution.
I hope the way IABA is approaching telehealth and my views as a mama serve you. We’re all in this together and together we’ll all be stronger for it.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 25, 2020
Over the course of the past week, our lives have changed rapidly. Here in Illinois, as in many states, we are formally following Shelter in Place. ABA therapy is medically necessary for children with autism and ABA therapists are categorized as essential workers. That being said, we gave our families and staff the option to pause services or work until the Shelter in Place lifts on April 7th in Illinois. We gave the same option to our Colorado families. There are still families receiving services and staff working, but we have more families currently on pause than those continuing with ABA therapy (as a personal choice). As a clinician and mama who is now going on week 2 home with my own children, I know how hard it can be. This week I’d like to provide some insight on simple tips for children with autism who are at home without their usual support team.
Tip #1: Make a Daily Routine
I know that this tip sounds simple. I’ve even seen this tip on several parenting sites not specifically meant for children with autism. Having a daily routine during a time when life feels uncertain can be comforting. It’s also an easy way to ensure you are doing what’s important for you and your children every day.
For children with autism, routine has been, and will be, important beyond the COVID-19 outbreak. People who have autism often think in patterns and sequences. Life itself is one big pattern! To a person with autism, knowing what comes next can bring down anxiety levels. If anxiety is low, problem behaviors surrounding a change in the routine (the next task on the schedule) are less likely. The more predictable you can make each day for your child with autism, the calmer they are most likely to feel.
Tip #2: Single Task
I’ve mentioned this before, but in “How Not to Lose Your Shit with Your Kids,” single tasking is brought up A LOT. Maybe after COVID-19 the book will be a New York Times best seller! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, if, while you are implementing your child’s (or children’s) daily schedule, you are trying to multitask you are setting yourself up for failure. Single tasking is just what it sounds like. Do one thing at a time.
With millions of us now working from home, while our littles are there as well, I know what a large feat this is. You are trying to work and keep your children happy, which is multitasking in itself!
How I’ve personally tackled this is by setting up my children’s schedule (minus naps & food) around my day. What this can look like is taking breaks from work to transition your children through their schedule. It may look like cutting yourself some slack and when you really need to work. Things like putting a movie on or setting up play time that you don’t need to be involved in may seem like sub optimal parenting. While I know the mom guilt can be real, knowing our own boundaries makes for a calmer house. Do one thing at a time the best you can to keep your nervous system at bay. If you do lose your shit, go ahead and give yourself a great big mental hug. It’s OK, we’re all struggling.
Tip #3: Choose Small Goals
I learned this tip working with children with autism well over a decade ago. I was working with a boy with autism back in Ohio and he had a goal to learn to shower independently. In order to learn the full task of showering we broke the skill of showering into small steps. The goal was broken down into steps like taking clothes off, turning on the water, checking the temperature, and so on so forth. The whole process was over 25 steps! We taught one step at time and, in time, he learned to shower by himself. In ABA we do this for all our clients in their programming.
While you’re home with your child with autism, pick a few goals that are really important to you–ones that will bring pride or joy to your child. These goals can be new communication (pick 2-3 words/signs, communication cards), play goals with siblings, play goals alone, eating goals, or self care. Think about things you’d like your child to be able to do. Observe your child and write down all the steps they would need to know in order to accomplish the full goal. From there, you’ll pick the first step of the goal. Teach, teach, teach until that first step is learned. After you see success on the first step, move to the next. You may not get to the full goal by the end of Shelter in Place but your child will be learning!
Comment on our Facebook post your questions about goals and we’ll reply!
Tip #4: Celebrate Success
It’s so easy to become frustrated with each other during Shelter in Place. I mean, we’ve all seen the Shining… Staying in place can be filled with wonderful family moments, as well as some pretty real human moments. To help your child with autism know what they are doing well, make it a point to praise them! Try to find 10 positives a day to praise your child. Knowing that they are doing something correctly gives your child the confidence to continue their positive behaviors. And hey, while you’re at it, maybe thank your husband or wife for dumping clothes in the hamper not the floor.
Tip #5: Remember Functions of Behavior
Over the course of the winter, I wrote about the functions of behavior. I explained how everything happens for a reason and how in ABA we use four categories to explain why behavior happens. These categories are attention, escape, access to tangibles/activities, and automatic. During your time at home with your child, if a problem behavior occurs start to observe it the best you can to find the function. Here’s a quick guide:
- Attention: Parent is busy-problem behavior occurs, parent provides either positive or negative attention
- Escape: Parent requests-behavior occurs, parent removes demand
- Access: Child requests an item or activity-behavior occurs, parent gives access
- Automatic: this one is complicated, please reference my previous blog here
Once you notice what your child wants with their tantrums or problem behavior, it’s important to do two things. First, try to be preventative and fill them up with what they want before the behavior occurs, when feasible (for escape this is lots of breaks/attention & access is self-explainable). Then, if the problem behavior still occurs, do not give your child the consequence they are seeking. You don’t want to reinforce bad behavior. Stay consistent and sooner, rather than later, your child will realize the behavior isn’t working and it will go down. Also, remember to teach language skills to help your child request their needs more safely!
Tip #6: Give Yourself a Break
Life is disrupted for pretty much everyone right now. It’s easy to start your day with a plan only to have that plan change–sometimes only minutes into the day! It could be from work, your child’s particular mood at the moment, or that you yourself are just having a bad day. Try hard not to judge yourself and instead provide grace. Say kind things to yourself when you’re struggling and make sure you’re carving breaks out for yourself. These should be things you love to do. Mine look like naps, a kid-free hour, and running. If I’m overwhelmed I look to when I can schedule a me moment in. I hope you can too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 11, 2020
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been sharing some of my favorite parenting practices, practices that I believe have a direct impact on positive development. In writing these blogs, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my take on academics and young children. In a world that has growing expectations concerning what children should know, I’m more than happy to write my spin. That being said, I have to admit that my opinion on this topic stems from my grandma.
As a child, family was really important to my dad (it still is). He made a point to see his parents and to keep us connected with our aunts, uncles, and cousins. One way he kept my sister and I connected with my grandparents, who lived on a farm about an hour away, was to leave us with them for a week every summer. This was my favorite week of the year!
During the week on the farm, we would help take care of the animals (well, mostly me!) garden (again, me ) and learn to sew (mostly my sister). We got this amazing exposure to a slower pace of life and to learn about my grandparents’ take on the world.
My Grandma Virginia was the matriarch of the family and a force to be reckoned with. There was really only one opinion that mattered: hers. I loved her. Originally my grandma went to college to become a teacher but met my widowed grandpa who had two small children. Her life quickly changed when they wed. They had four more children of their own and she spent her years raising them while my grandpa worked as a traveling minister. When all her children were grown (all 6!) she went back to get her master’s in special education, which was right around the time I was born. She then went on to teach 6th grade and special education.
Learning About Education
In talking to me about children and education, there was something my grandma said to me that has always stayed with me. She told me that when she went back to college she was amazed by how many new theories had been created and how expectations had changed yet children were still just children. To her, this new world of education was based on adults wanting to “make a system better based on their own take,” versus really just following a child. She was concerned about the new level of academic work being pushed at a kindergarten level that then, of course, lead to the age of standardized testing.
Now, mind you, I was born in 1987, which was the year my grandma got her master’s. It was most likely the mid-90’s when she shared this opinion with me. But sitting here this morning, writing this to all of you, I can’t help but feel she was onto something.
I’ve now sat across the table from hundreds of parents with children who have autism and are worried that their young children are behind academically. In speaking to these parents, I have learned they are concerned with things like their children being unable to sit in a group, or solo, for a long period of time, not knowing shapes, colors or ABC’s, and not being able to read by kindergarten. I also know my mom-friends of young neurotypical children have the same concerns. These parents want to make sure their children are set up to be successful at school. This is a great goal, but, if you ask me, the academics really don’t matter in early childhood. Here’s why.
Childhood Development: More than Academics
To me, in regards to education, I have one skillset to emphasize to my children before they go to school; love to learn. That’s it. As I’ve written about before, children are naturally curious and ready to take on their world every single day. This thirst is what will drive them to learn just about anything we ask of them later in life. At an early age, forcing rote memorization of facts (colors, numbers, letters, shapes) doesn’t match the level of curiosity children have; it confines them to a small space versus the world. In doing table time work with small children, we’re teaching them to follow a rule (sit/see/do) versus teaching them to learn. Please don’t get me wrong; sitting at a table and doing work is super important as a child gets older but up until age 5 or so I really don’t see a benefit.
When a child is little I want to see them sit to eat, read books, play, and with family around 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Going potty is also a time to sit. If a child can sit through these social scenarios and understand the expectation, awesome! I really don’t expect more than that before age 5. The reason for this is children are natural movers! They learn through exploration and don’t have an attention span longer than their age. Asking a child under 5 years old to sit and “do homework” is really just an expectation of the institution versus something developmentally appropriate. Now, I know A LOT of educators might read this and not agree; that’s OK, that’s your right. I can tell you, however, that by working in a preschool with young children with autism and by watching my own children that I strongly believe in what I’m saying.
Children learn in their world. If we, as educators, parents, and therapists, begin forcing academic behavior and content before a child shows interest (between the ages of infancy to 6 years) then I do not believe we’re helping them get ahead. What I have seen as a huge benefit in development working with young children with autism and my own children is to just follow their interests. This means play, play, play or read, read, read! And if there are opportunities to teach during moments of play or reading? Go for it! It’s totally OK to ask for letters, shapes, colors and so on while playing or reading. By doing this, we’re teaching children that learning is exciting and to love to learn! There’s no pressure in this way of instruction and children learn to seek out this type of interaction. It reinforces curiosity & learning. This is what I want for my children and, more so, what I would want for a child with autism.
Encouraging Childhood Curiosity
If children are curious about adult interactions and finding new interactions within their world, the rest (like academics) will come. Really! For children with autism, learning the value of social interaction is a key component of their treatment in ABA (applied behavior analysis) therapy. What I don’t want to see in a young child with autism before the age of 4 is being brought to a table to learn and memorize information as the primary part of their therapy. I want to see them working with their therapists through play with only a small part of therapy reserved for focus and tabletop work. In my children and other neurotypical children, I don’t see any value in tabletop work before age 5 unless a child initiates it.
Children are magically curious, with an appetite to know more each and every day. What my grandma noticed when she returned to college all those years later was an increase in the expectations from institutions yet no change in the child. In her words, “we don’t need to reinvent education.” It’s been some time since my years on the farm and my grandma has since passed on but today I feel close to her and in complete agreement. Let them be little, let them be wild, let them be a little wild!
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 21, 2020
In taking the last month to talk about “why” behavior happens, we focused on figuring out why your little someone engages in behaviors that are disruptive to you and your family. If you’ve taken the approach of beginning to look at the environment and changing how you interact with your child based on these articles, I’m guessing some questions are popping up.
Over the past twelve years in my profession, I’ve noticed recurring themes surrounding behavior change. Ultimately, I decided to make an FAQ covering some of the most common questions I get concerning changes in behavior. I hope that using this format will serve you well!
Behavior Change FAQ
Q: I’ve identified why my child is throwing tantrums but not what is reinforcing them in the moment (ex: my child is looking for attention, so I ignore the tantrum). This is causing the behaviors to get worse. What is happening?
A: This is 100% normal and to be expected. Let me say that again; if you change the way you interact with your child during a tantrum, etc. their behavior will go up in occurrence before they come down. In my field, we call this extinction.
Why extinction? A behavior (or behaviors) you previously gave in to/reinforced are no longer working. The reinforcement is gone. Think about the dinosaurs! In reaction to this change, your child will try harder to get the old behavior to work, hence they go up… temporarily!
This can last a day up to a couple of weeks. Stay the course. As Newton would say, “what goes up must come down.” Stay consistent and these bursts and behaviors will disappear.
Q: I’m totally on board with not rewarding my child’s (fill in the blank behavior) but is there any way to prevent how often it occurs? It feels like my child is screaming etc. all day long!
A: Absolutely! Remember, we are all looking for things throughout our day to either fill ourselves up or remove ourselves from uncomfortable environments. If you pack almonds as a good morning snack you’re less likely to drive through the McDonald’s starving when you’re starving at noon.
In the same way, if someone is asking too much of you (maybe a boss like me!) you’re more likely to shut down and disengage from work. Our children work in the same way. They have a perfect little recipe for actions that fill them up with what they love and removes them from what they don’t.
Take notes for a few days on how often/long your child vies for your attention, asks for items (especially food), or complains when you ask them to do something. Using the number of times that your child either requests these things or protests your demands you’ll see how often they want attention, items, or escape.
Using this schedule will increase your little one’s attention/items a little and decreases the number of their demands by a bit. This isn’t permanent but can be a big relief quickly!
Q: I’m a working parent and while I can be consistent most of the time, sometimes I’m at my wits end. Can I give in sometimes and still see effective change?
A: I’m hoping at this point you’re considering us friends so I’m going to be really honest here. The answer to this question is a firm, “No.”
As a fellow mama, I know this is hard to hear because sometimes you’ve lost your shit and just need to let your little one eat skittles in bed after a tantrum. But here’s the thing; When you only sometimes reinforce a behavior (called an intermittent schedule), you actually strengthen the behavior!
This means when you give in intermittently you are more likely to increase future tantrums, etc. A way to be gentle on yourself with this is to choose your battles wisely but be consistent 100% of the time when you decide a behavior is no longer tolerated in your home.
Q: I’d like to teach my child new skills to replace their problem behaviors. What do you recommend?
A: Words, waiting, tolerance to the word ‘no’ and doing something else! Children (and, let’s be real, adults too) engage in problem behaviors because they are missing a skill.
I’ve never met anyone (excluding the criminally insane) who enjoys engaging in maladaptive behaviors. People generally want to do good things and be recognized for them.
You can help your child at any early age to speak up about what they need, how to wait for what they want, tolerance to ‘no,’ and how to entertain themselves.
Usually, I’ll prompt using words if I know my son Henry can have what he is tantruming for (a break, attention, a snack). Once Henry uses his words I’ll honor his request. If Henry is tantruming and cannot have what he wants I either use waiting or tolerance to, his “Nos.” When we’re working on “Nos,” I model for him to tell me how he feels, i.e. “I’m mad!”
Lastly, developing independent skills is a lifesaver because it teaches our children that we as parents are not the keeper of all goods. Eventually, children can actually navigate their environment joyfully alone!
Q: Help! It seems like my child is engaging in tantrums for escape, attention, and access to items. How do I figure out what they want so I can put a plan in place?
A: Go back to the data! Record what happens before and after the behaviors you’d like to decrease for a couple of weeks. Then, take a look at the consequences (the after).
Using the data you collect, count how many times your child was engaging in maladaptive behaviors for each function.
The highest counted action in your data is the ‘maintaining consequence.’ Use this function first to work on the behavior (ex: it’s an escape, so you need to work on the follow-through of demand). The runner ups are the secondary functions that you just need to keep an eye on.
Q: I’m totally on board with using some of these tips but my partner doesn’t agree. Will this still work?
A: Once again, we’ve gotten close (as author and reader) at this point; the honest answer is no. When a behavior is reinforced by one person and not another, something called behavioral contrast occurs. This means the behavior goes up around the person consistently saying ‘no,’ as the child is testing to see if they will give in. The family, caregivers, and school all need to be on the same page with behaviors.
Q: When do I throw in the towel and ask for help?
A: This is a hard one for me to answer because my gut says, “anytime you need relief!”, but I know many families are looking for when they should seek professional help. In regards to problem behaviors; if you have created a plan, been consistent with that plan for a month (or longer) and problem behaviors are still occurring–I would recommend asking for help at this point.
A professional eye is most likely needed to uncover the more complicated patterns of behavior.
More on Behavior Changes in Children
When we’re talking about therapy for your child, I choose to stand my sacred ground. I know many parents don’t agree with immediately taking action and want to wait to see if their child will grow out of developmental delays. I also know many parents who agree with getting help as soon as possible.
My answer to both parties is as soon as you notice your child is behind in language, social skills, or physical delays go and get an evaluation. Find out what therapy can help your child. Remember, my stance is these are all symptoms that can be treated but without diagnosis and therapy there can be long-lasting effects for children. If a child does have autism I want to see them by the time they are 2 years old in ABA clinic and home-based therapy.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 6, 2020
Over the last two weeks, we’ve taken a deep dive into attention-seeking behavior and behavior maintained by escape. If you’ve been following along, I’m hoping these blogs have helped you and you’re starting to see some patterns in your little sweetheart. If you’re new to the blog, welcome! Just click here to take a peek at what you’ve missed.
The world we live in is a beautiful place, full of choice and products. We’re very blessed in this way. Every person spends their lifetime building up preferences and favorite things. Some of this comes from within us (nature), while some of it is from what we’re taught (nurture). But all of it comes from us navigating our environment. This starts as soon as we move from the squishy, wonderful newborn phase into the active baby phase.
How Your Child Develops Preferences
Think about it. You’re a tiny little baby around the ripe age of, say, five months. Your parents are getting ready to give you a big spoonful of your first real food! They anxiously await your reaction to the food they’ve chosen (nurture) and you respond (nature)! For my boys, I’m super into training their pallets to love real food. I made a point to do green veggies at 5 months for both Henry and Declan. Henry downed his broccoli and to this day has not shied away from eating his vegetables first (unless salmon or applesauce make an appearance). Declan was not as impressed. It turns out he really hates puree, is OK with most veggies but does not like the texture of broccoli. He would eat muffins all day if we let him! Now, in giving these examples, no problem behaviors are happening, but I’m hoping it’s giving you a picture of how preferences for tangibles start. We as parents provide the exposure and our children respond with preferences.
From infancy into childhood and beyond, each exposure to something new builds up a list of likes and dislikes. To children, the world is their oyster. While toddlerhood is an extremely hard phase for any parent, it’s also a joyful one, as your little someone begins to build into the person they will become. But this little person, as I’ve said many times, is all limbic system. This means when your toddler decides they either like or don’t like something and you either withhold a preferred item or ask them to use a disliked item, their response is, “fight, flight, freeze.” This goes on all day long for most toddlers from about 18 months to three years of age. Around age three the prefrontal cortex (our logic center) starts to develop and these Big Emotions, while present, are not so intense.
Coping with Your Child’s Preferences and Behavior
So what does this look like for you, for me, and for our children? It looks like our toddlers asserting their preferences very noisily and us learning how not to lose our shit. Honestly, if you are interested in this kind of stuff, you should read “How Not to Lose Your Shit with your Kids,” it’s a lifesaver for this phase!
For the last 8 months at our house Henry (now 2 ½) has been going from passionately happy to emotionally distraught, which is centered around access to items he wants. It starts when he wakes up and wants a drink, but not just any drink. It could be water, juice, a smoothie, or almond milk (he’s lactose intolerant). If he’s allowed to have the requested item, he shows joy. If my husband or I say, “No,” his world crumbles. Fight, flight, freeze. This cycle goes on for the whole day; what bowl he wants to eat from, what fruit he wants for snacking, can he have a treat (usually chocolate), can he watch a show and so on and so forth. In writing all this down, it seems exhausting and it is. But it’s also who Henry is at the age he’s at.
There is a world full of endless choice and reinforcers that await him. Watching Henry show joy toward finding his reinforcers is magical. What isn’t magical is when he’s asking for something and the answer is, “No.” As a parent, it would be easier to say, “yes!” all day to every request because then the tears would stay at bay. However, it’s also my job as his (and his brother’s) mama and to teach them tolerance to disappointment, moderation of fun-but-bad-for-you stuff (sweets, processed foods, and technology at our house), and how to wait. This can suck in the moment because you know that in saying, “No,” a behavior may follow. But what follows much later is a skill set you can be proud of as your little ones grow.
Now, of course there are times we all need to give in. But this need comes from you and not for your child. It’s not about making them happy with a third movie, it’s about giving you a break. We, the parents of toddlers or children with limited verbal ability, like some children with autism, are a tired breed. We get run down too and sometimes that 100th, “No,” is just beyond you or me. It’s OK. Give in. But know when you are giving in and let it serve as a warning sign that you are in need of some self-care and alone time ASAP. Once you get some R&R time, you are recharged and can decide to buckle in and drive back down the road of helping your child navigate their choices with you driving–not them.
Getting Help for Your Child
If your child is very young (or getting older but is not verbal) with autism, this is where Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can help. You see the world is still full of beautiful choices for your child, but they may not have the voice or ability to say what their preferences are. Or they may not have the skill set to wait for their favorite items. Teaching children with autism how to communicate what they want and who they are is by far the most rewarding part of work in ABA. If a child gets access to intensive ABA from two-years to five years of age (think 20-40 clinic hours a week), their chance at full verbal language is tremendous. In teaching speech, we’re opening up their world to tell us everything they love. And who doesn’t love that!
Xoxo,
Jessie
