by Jessie Cooper | May 20, 2020
In my last blog, I wrote about accepting being an imperfect parent. I’m going to take a few weeks to do a mini-series on all my failures and wins as a parent because the joy of imperfect parenting is honoring both. I’m walking this path right alongside you. Ain’t no shame here!
Almost eight years ago I opened Instructional ABA Consultants for business. I was a loud, proud, young business owner with a full heart and mission. I still have that full heart and mission today. At the time I did what most business owners do; I got a cute outfit, took a gorgeous photo, and wrote my professional bio for my website. It’s still there today (picture updated because no one is 25 forever…). In my bio, I wrote a great many things including my areas of expertise. One of them was toilet training. During my undergraduate studies, I worked in a preschool and toilet trained dozens of children. Later on, when I received my master’s degree, I also toilet trained children for my caseload. I even held parent lectures. I’m laughing that this is still listed as an area of expertise… Enter my son Henry.
Toilet Training Your Children
We started with Henry sitting on the potty at every diaper change to get used to just sitting. Once we made it through this phase I created a schedule for Henry with a prize box for successes. I took him to sit every 30 minutes, set a timer for 2 minutes, and then gave him a small prize! I then stole these prizes when he went to sleep at night and put them back in the box (he never found out….). Henry started to pee on the potty and life was good!
I entered phase two per my own training; remove the diapers. Holy hell. When I removed diapers we entered a solid 8-month process of trial and accidents. During this phase, I used just about everything I could think of that I had used with my own clients. I tried going more often to catch the accident. I tried going 15-20 minutes after he drank water. I tried reading books, singing songs, and even the damn potty song on youtube (“Come on Henry what do you do, come on Henry it’s time to go poop!.) Yes, I just wrote that from memory. No, I can’t come back from that. There’s more.
I tried bare butt over Labor Day and Christmas break (except naps and bedtime). Yes, he smeared poop on his playroom wall. I tried having him clean up. We have a sprayer for cloth diapers so this was loads of fun. I followed the rules and while we were making progress with going pee on the potty Henry was still having accidents with pee when he wasn’t supervised. This was any time he was playing alone, playing in our yard (we have a fence and I can watch him within eyesight), or mommy was crying in the bath (j/k but for real). He also was not potty trained for poop. At all.
I decided to talk with my team, who I’m sure were thrilled I was begging for more ABA potty training advice. I mean, I’m their boss, it’s in my bio, I can do this, and I’m still whining at team meetings I can’t crack this nut. Honestly, the team was super gracious. I love them all to pieces for many reasons (including letting me be human). I wasn’t willing to go back to diapers because we were 80% there for dry pants and I didn’t want to move backward. But I had nothing else to throw at this.
Toilet Training During COVID-19
Enter COVID-19 and Shelter in Place. I did what any person who is sheltering and anxious does; I made a list of all the shit I was going to accomplish (more on that later and if you’re still doing this please be kind to yourself and stop…). First on the list; finish toilet training Henry!
You know what I did? Me with my decade-plus in the field and fancy degrees? I told Henry pants were a privilege and he could earn them back when he pooped on the potty. My son wore no pants for a solid month. I once had my acupuncturist tell me she did this with all her children and it took a weekend. Lies. I tried this weekend bare butt thing before, remember?
During the first two weeks of bare butt, Henry quickly learned to hold his poop for his diaper at nap. Then it hit me. The thing I tell every parent seriously; you cannot toilet train and use diapers. I just had never dealt with nap time or bedtime (as I wasn’t a parent at the time) so I kept using them. I ordered bed pads and a squatty potty (to help him stand and poop on the potty). Then I told him, “Henry you’re a big boy, no more diapers.” I put a toilet next to his bed and thought, “Godspeed little one.” And you know what? No rewards, no schedule, no waking up at night and Henry stopped using diapers while he slept.
As Henry’s mom, one thing I’ve learned from him is that he has to do literally everything for himself first. When he was a baby we would watch him practice new milestones (clapping, standing, words) in his crib on the camera sometimes weeks before he would show us. I needed to slow down and remember how he learns, even for toilet training. This would have saved us both some tears and yelling. Remember I’m not perfect and yes I’ve lost my shit in the bathroom when we need to leave and he’s refusing to go. No, I’m not proud of that. Yes, it’s over because I know this is a trigger and give myself more time now when we need to leave. No rushing, period. It’s a rule I follow for me not them.
So now we have it right? Henry is going on the toilet, all is well. It’s the longest it’s ever taken me to toilet train a child but I’ve done it, right? Nope. Turns out Henry really enjoyed bare butt and became a nudist. This included stripping outside, peeing & pooping outside (claiming he’s a puppy…) and a few times where he peed on my carpet like it was grass. I was horrified. I mean I was on business calls, mute, “Henry no! Pants on, no pooping in the yard!”
Luckily, I do have ABA in my back pocket so I created a “wear your pants program.” This was much easier than our previous feat. I gave Henry a fruit snack throughout the day when he had his pants on and set a timer for every 30 minutes outside to make sure he had them on. Outside was the biggest problem because of our, er, problem. In about a week of rewarding pants on behavior Henry started wearing clothing again.
It’s a month later and Henry is 100% clothed and toilet trained. When he poops on the potty AND wipes, I drop the microphone and pour myself a glass of wine. Rock on mama. One down, one to go. Declan, be easy little one. Please!
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | May 13, 2020
Over the last month, I’ve written about my own personal journey during COVID to shine a light on fear. This week, in honor of Mother’s Day, I’d like to write about parenting during COVID. Personally, I’ve gone through highs and lows. Some days, I’m so grateful and proud. Other days it’s a completely different story. Through all of it, I’m learning to love myself and my boys in the midst of imperfection.
Intentional Parenting
Prior to COVID, I liked to think of myself as an intentional mama. I made a lot of calculated decisions about how I wanted to raise my boys and had some pretty high expectations of myself. I’ve shared before that when I had Henry I suffered from postpartum depression. As a trauma survivor, I had an added layer of not wanting to do anything to harm my child. Not harming my children in a physical way, I don’t worry about that, but in not wanting to make a mistake. From there I spent the better part of 18 months being 100% attentive to Henry when he was with me.
I mean, I was that Mom we all hate. Calculated floor time, zero TV, homemade meals every night, cloth diapers, no electronic toys. I was perfectly happy doing all of this but I didn’t do anything except this. I gained being a mama in my heart and at the cost of myself (a bit). Enter Declan (my second boy) and keeping up at this pace was just not achievable at the same rate. I went through an angry phase, being angry at myself for not being able to keep it up. Then I realized while I could love all the different ways I could parent my children, the most important was having a full heart. That I needed to find time for Jessie and not just the mama in me. I’ve quoted it many times but truly, “How Not to Lose Your Shit with Your Kid,” changed me.
Changing Your Parenting Style
After I realized I couldn’t keep up the same pace of my “perfect parenting,” and with two children under 2, I gave myself a hell of a lot of grace. I let myself fail, break my own rules, and most importantly spent time taking care of myself too. I was able to keep the things that were important to me for Henry and Declan. This looked like eating whole foods, limited TV time (none for Declan he was not yet 1), being present when I was with them, and allowing myself some alone time when we were home together. This felt good. Really good. Enter Shelter in Place. Without my village, it all fell down.
I had gotten into this groove with my children because I allowed myself access to support. I made sure I didn’t expect myself to be with my children 110% of the time. My children went to who I consider their second mom’s house (Dana!) three days a week. Martin and I were rocking date nights at least every other week. I was going to the gym. I was regularly cooking at home (while still appreciating occasional restaurants). I was balanced. I was happy with myself, my parenting, and so grateful for our new son Dametrius finally coming home. Then, overnight, it was just our family and our responsibilities increased as a family increased exponentially.
I’m pretty lucky in the sense I had already laid the foundation with myself that it was OK not to be perfect as a parent. That to be a mama didn’t mean to be on point every second of the day. But a big piece of this was letting myself have some alone time. With sheltering in place, alone time is SO much harder to achieve. My husband works 40 hours a week from home with little relief from his work to help with childcare. Owning my own company means I have to be the flexible one with fitting my work schedule around the kids. It also meant I’m with our boys way more than my husband. I’m learning how to teach our new 8th grader. Dametrius just moved into his new home, so I had no idea what he knew academically.
Add my own hippie heart of loving organic foods (but not able to go to the store), limited technology, and being present to everything else and you’ll realize this was a tall order!
So I did something radical. I’m serious, this was big for me. I threw away my script. Seriously! I decided that the most important thing was something I already knew after healing from postpartum depression and parenting two very young children. It’s love. That’s it. Love is all my children need to grow and thrive.
Realizing What’s Important as a Parent
Don’t get me wrong. There are still things that are very important to me as a woman and mama. But if I kept up with my pre-COVID rulebook I was going to crash and burn. Honestly, looking back, I don’t know how I wasn’t crashing and burning anyways! Sure, I had help, but my expectations were sky-high. So now I expect failure from myself and my kids on a daily basis. We fail, we cry, we kiss, and we move on.
I still want my children to eat well but, honest to God, cooked my first boxed mac and cheese for them ever. I still want them to play in the dirt more than behind a screen but we have movie night every night. I still want to be present with my kids but I allow myself to check emails on my phone while drinking coffee each morning. Some days we have free days. This means jammies all day, movie mornings, coffee, and picking up a toy or something small in a pickup order. I’m resting for myself, eating as well as I can, and moving or getting any exercise when I have a few minutes for self-care. When I can’t do these things I give my heart a big hug.
Mostly, I’ve realized that while my village made my pace possible it wasn’t what my heart wanted. Being home with my children for this amount of time has taught me to follow their needs and my own together. I’m not the mama I was before COVID. I’m messier, louder, and I cry a little more. But you know what? In accepting imperfection I’m happier too. I hope through reading this that perhaps you can love your imperfections in parenting too. And hey, maybe you’ll become a bit closer to your authentic self.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | May 6, 2020
A phrase I often use is “the bridge back home.” I’m not sure who coined it or if it’s just a phrase that I’ve used so many times it comes from me. What I call the bridge back home is really the way back to myself when I’ve been out of alignment with my authentic self.
Last week I wrote about what lies underneath my own fears and the need to control outcomes. I questioned if my own human experience rings true for others? Do we all engage in behaviors when we fear to avoid feeling the fear? After following the work of the amazing Brene Brown, I think the answer is a resounding yes! We’re human. To have a fear or fears that have transferred over into patterns of behaviors is so real I can touch it. These behaviors can be internal (things we tell ourselves) or external (things we do). Either way, they can make us feel better or worse in the short term and always make us feel worse in the long term. Let me try to explain.
The Only Thing to Fear…
When we are experiencing an emotion that doesn’t feel very good we typically exhibit either high or low energy behaviors. We then have an internal dialogue telling us all the ways we are not good enough. I’m a high energy gal when it comes to external behaviors. High energy looks like overachieving, micromanaging, perfectionism, and the like. Low energy behaviors look like eating high-calorie foods, sitting for long periods of time, lack of exercise, sleeping a lot, and so on. Each of these types of behaviors tells our brains we are anxious, stressed, or depressed. The more we engage in them, the more anxious, stressed, or depressed we become. It’s a loop.
To break the loop there are some really cool things you and I can do. This is what I call the bridge back home. Home is the way to me.
To begin, you need to know there’s no order with fear. Remember, being perfect is part of a loop so it’s going to get us nowhere. I’m going to write some different methods for you to try. I hope some of them resonate with you.
Identify Your Behavior
Identifying if you are in a high or low energy guy/gal is a piece of the bridge back home. What do you do when you don’t feel like you? And what can you do differently? For my high energy behavior readers, the key is to slow down. For my low energy readers, the key is to speed up. A key piece of this is knowing you are out of alignment.
Let’s go there for a minute. When we are out of alignment we engage in our fear-based behaviors. These are anxiety, depression, frustration, bitterness, anger, deep sadness, and the like. If anyone feels these stretches of emotions for more than a few days, I’d go out on a limb and say you’re out of alignment. If they go on for longer than a month I’d recommend reaching out for some clinical support. At the beginning or late stages of fear, a large piece of healing is to notice we are not ourselves. It’s another piece of the bridge.
The next piece of the bridge back home is to do something to realign your energy. This goes back to knowing if you are a high or low energy behavior type. For the high energy behavior types, a big piece of this is creating space in your day. Try to not book things back to back. Find a welcome rest, as well as time for self-care. I can tell you as a high energy person that this shit is hard for me. I have to make an active effort to slow my energy down when I’m in fear. I try to be careful with my schedule, limit my technology use, try meditating, saying “no,” and doing a ‘home spa night.’ When I’m not in alignment I am not doing these things. When I am in alignment I do some of these things each day. Truly. I am careful because once I’m doing too much my fears kick in. Then I’m not my best self. Remember the loop?
If you are a low energy person a key to your bridge is little steps toward doing more and consuming less. This means making small efforts every day to do something active and to tone back things like high-calorie foods and technology (technology is not great for either of us!). If you’ve been stuck in low energy-mode for a while, you cannot expect yourself to run a marathon. But you could take a 15-minute walk outside or jump in a pool for a bit. Moving is key here because the more you slow down less and less serotonin and dopamine are produced by your brain. This is your loop.
Finding the Bridge Back Home
OK, so we’ve got some steps to build the bridge back home. We know to identify that we are not, in fact, ourselves. We know to classify ourselves as high or low energy and some steps to help heal our energy type. What now? Here is the most important piece of information: show yourself some serious love. It is not fun for anyone to be responding to our negative emotions or our operating in fear. It just isn’t. If you spend all your time tearing yourself down you are not showing the world or yourself any kindness. You are imperfect, you do shit that is embarrassing and mean, but you know what? Me frickin’ too!
If I tore myself or others down every time a mistake was made, what help is that? As a mama, I teach my children it is OK to fail. It’s OK to have bad days and act in ways that none of us agree with. Remember my oldest son Henry? He is learning this every day! From there I teach them to vocalize how they feel, give them a huge hug, and we move on. My kids expect the same from me. Seriously!
I can’t stay calm for a solid 24 hours. I just can’t. I’ve got two dogs, three kids, a husband, and a business to run. And I’m human. But when I lose my cool at home I will say, “Mama was mad, it was so noisy, I’m sorry.” We kiss and makeup. And you know what? I do this exact same thing for myself. “Jessie, my love, it’s OK darling. Breath deep. It hurts, but we need to try again.” I parent myself how I want to parent my kids.
I know I said there is no order but this is the key to the bridge: Treat yourself with love and kindness when you fail and get hurt. Then, from that space, stand tall again and come back home.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Apr 29, 2020
Over the last six weeks, you’ve allowed me to provide you with guidance during the COVID-19 outbreak. I’m so very grateful to be able to give you my take as well as speak my own truth. Last week I wrote about fear and the stories we make up behind those fears. For me, well before COVID-19, this river ran deep. It took both facing my fears and pausing during Shelter in Place to truly shine a light on them.
In calling out my fears and the behaviors around them I was able to see myself clearly. I’d like to share some of my experiences with you. I’m hoping that by doing this you are able to relate, unpack your fears, and authentically show up for the beautiful ride we call life.
Calling Out Our Fears
Sheltering in Place has been hard for me for many reasons. We talked about my fears related to COVID-19 in my last two blogs. What I haven’t talked about is that during Shelter in Place I have been forced to sit with my own thoughts on a larger scale. Like everyone else in the world, I am stuck where I am, with who I am.
For me, the first phases of Shelter in Place produced anxiety due to fear of the unknown. I spent a lot of my energy navigating the new normal, both at home and at work. This piece of anxiety was hard, as I was unable to control or even predict outcomes. On a surface level, however, it was not a deep fear; it was a guide to larger fears that would come up for me.
I’m wondering if this is true for a lot of us? Do we all have surface-level fears pointing to deeper fears? And if we only ever respond to the surface fears, do the fears underneath live on?
Let me speak for me. My primary surface fear was being unable to control the outcome of COVID-19, both in my home and my business. My fears first bubbled over in my perfectionistic tendencies at home (and a bit at work). At home, this looked like keeping a perfect house. I mean, I love a clean home (definitely more than most people), but when I’m cleaning to be perfect… it’s different.
Usually, I’m just jiving and creating a space I enjoy. At work this used to come out in micromanaging. Thanks to our current team, who I could not be more grateful for, I can’t really jump in and do this anymore. They would call bullshit and thank God for that! So this is my surface. I’m afraid of what I can’t control, so I will try to overcontrol what I can. Does this speak true for anyone else? Do you have surface behavior you engage in when you’re afraid? Does your perfectionism come out?
Avoid Feeling “Out of Control”
Once I can see what I’m really up to, I usually find I’ve been doing a heck of a lot of things to avoid feeling out of control. Perfectionism is one of them. Numbing activities like too much chocolate, wine, or Netflix is another. Forcing myself to be overly busy is a third. I do these things in order to ignore what my make-believe fears are telling me. And make-believe fear is always telling us we are not enough. It’s a tricky, awful fear but also a piece of the human experience.
So, what came up for you? Looking at your past month during Shelter in Place, what have you found is beneath your fear(s)? Are you overachieving at home to avoid it? Or are you purposely underachieving to try and relax? Are you really OK with everything that is happening in your world? All of your answers are OK. What isn’t OK is to notice that fear is driving you and to continue to allow it to be in control.
What can you and I do to fight these fears? Honor them. Honor the fear and what it’s telling you because even make-believe fear can guide us all. Fear is telling us very loudly that we are not OK. We have to realize that something lives beneath our fears that needs care and attention.
In speaking for myself, I have felt very deeply, for a very long time that what I am doing is not enough–that somehow I am wrong. It took sitting in place during the COVID-19 outbreak to finally be able to say this out loud. This comes from a traumatic childhood and being a survivor of domestic violence. Harmful circumstances occurred around me for a very long time and I wanted to prove I didn’t deserve them happening to me. That’s why in times like these when I cannot control outcomes, my fear tries to tell me I’m not enough. That I’m not safe. But I’m grateful for this fear and here’s why.
Learning from Fear
When my make-believe fears are present and impacting how I behave, it’s a signal for me to pay attention. To discover what I’m really afraid of; how I haven’t been honoring myself. It’s hard to write this. To write that I struggle with perfectionism and am a survivor. But I know that by saying this I’m honoring the badass woman I truly am. That no one deserves to be at the hand of physical violence. That we are not stories narrated by our fears.
I know this to be true. You are perfect just the way you are. Human, full of failures & flaws, and maybe some awesome eclectic tastes. But you are worthy of love, belonging, and a life you adore. I hope by sharing this piece of my story that you are able to look at your own. To get curious and ask yourself why you are afraid. What’s behind it? That in naming your fear and owning your story you are able to honor the beautiful person you are. Perceived imperfections and all.
I hope this piece of my story guides you to honor yours.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Apr 22, 2020
Last week in my blog I wrote about compassion and grace. I hope it served you. After identifying my own fears, I realized that so much more was going on behind them. It took guts to accept this followed by a bit of hard work to find what was really behind them.
Let me backtrack for a minute. There is nothing wrong with fear itself. Fear is a very useful instinct and absolutely necessary to survive. Fear tells us when we are in danger(remember, the amazing Tara Brach teaches about this). Fear told us over 10 thousand years ago how to survive; it’s instinctual. The problem with modern-day fear is it often becomes a story we’re making up versus a true danger. Sometimes it’s a little bit of both. So when we go behind our fears we have to sort them. Is the fear real, a story, or a mix? How do you know what type of fear you’re dealing with and what do you do with the fear once it’s named?
Recognizing Fear
Let’s start with the types of fear we deal with as humans. The first is physical fear within our control. This is a lion charging at you, a car that ran the red light, and anything else that could cause you physical pain or death. Our limbic system kicks in when we are dealing with these kinds of fears. Fight, flight, freeze. Our body ramps up to tell us how to respond and protect ourselves. If we have the right resources in that moment of fear (ex: brake pedal for the car coming at you) we can protect ourselves from the threat. This fear is super helpful and protective. However, our other fears like to dress up like physical fear and, in this guise, tell us they too are helpful. Let’s talk about them.
The next type of fear is fear beyond our control. This fear is a threat that comes into our lives that we cannot control. There is no brake pedal for this metaphorical speeding car coming full speed at you. These fears are almost always medical or life-altering in nature. These fears are a cancer diagnosis, heart disease, a baby born too early, divorce, being fired, a house burning down, etc.
These fears present themselves to let us know they are there. We usually have some options available to us to address them, but fears we can’t control often have outcomes we can’t control. When you or a loved one receives a cancer diagnosis, you/they can choose the treatment course with medical guidance. But what we can’t control is how the body will respond.
If you are fired from a job you cannot control working there again, but you can find new options for employment. These fears hurt. They just do. We see them, do what we can, given the resources available, but the outcomes are almost always beyond us. Not being able to control an outcome when a threat is present is hard. COVID-19 falls right into this category.
Rejecting Irrational Fear
This leads to the last type of fear; make-believe fear. This is the sticky, icky fear that we, as humans, create to try and cope with physical fear and fears beyond our control. It’s the story we’re making up and it causes anxiety. Make-believe fear tells us it’s helpful while driving us absolutely crazy at the same time.
As an example, let’s look at sanitizing per COVID-19. The truth is there are good sanitizing measures we can all take to reduce our exposure to COVID-19. A story you may be making up is that you need to sanitize your high touch areas 10 times a day and that if you don’t everyone in your family is going to contract COVID-19. Let’s look at another one. If you are afraid of how you’re parenting during COVID-19 you might tell yourself you are failing terribly. In response to this, you either step it up or scale it back to validate the fear. In both cases, you’re exhausting yourself mentally and putting yourself down. The reality is you can’t control kids being home 24/7 but you can just show up and do the best you can.
Is this making sense? Let’s keep it simple. Each fear we hold that is a story we’ve made up is not helpful or kind. This type of fear convinces us that if we behave a certain way that the fear will magically disappear. But it’s not gone–it’s amplified! The fear is driving the car. To put this fear down for good we have to name it, shine a light on it, and stop engaging in the behaviors associated with this fear. When we stop engaging in the behaviors associated with the fear it always hurts. That hurt sucks but is far kinder than tearing ourselves up in behaviors to avoid outcomes we cannot control. And in that hurt is a truth about what we really, truly need.
Using Fear to Stay Safe
Each story we’re making up is unique to all of us but as humans, it’s usually along the lines of needing love and belonging. To be seen. To be accepted. To be safe. Here’s the thing. We can be safe by identifying real fears versus stories. We can be seen by others once we see and know our authentic selves. Being accepted. That lives in your own heart, not anyone else’s. But when you love and accept yourself you can honor what you need from others.
This is my ask beautiful ones. Take this week to find some of the stories you are making up. Then put down the behaviors surrounding those stories and pick up some behaviors that show yourself some major love. Find a way to take care of yourself and through this, I promise you’ll be able to care for those you love too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Apr 14, 2020
In starting this blog, I wanted to create a space for parents to come to know they are not alone. In the midst of COVID-19, I think this space is super important. On any given day we are all experiencing the ups and downs of isolation as well as a variety of fears related to the virus. I’m struggling with this just as much as anyone. When people ask me how I’m doing my honest response is, “no two days are the same emotionally.” They just aren’t. I think this is true for a lot of us. But I think what is also true for a lot of us is that it’s hard to honor the struggle.
When a physical threat is around us it’s so natural for our fears to take over. Just look at the toilet paper crisis. We’ve all got this fabulous limbic system I wrote about in reference to toddler years deep inside us. Fight/flight/freeze is an over 10,000-year-old response. Just search, plug in and listen to one of my soul sisters, Tara Brach, for more on this. Our brains are predisposed to scan for threats to our physical bodies and respond. Tara calls it our “our caveman brain” and when thinking about toddler tantrums it gives me a little smile. As an adult in our modern world, it’s a response that’s harder to deal with. We, of course, need to know when we are in physical danger. But when it comes to an invisible predator as well as all the fears related to it our brains go into overdrive.
Mentally Dealing with COVID-19
Think about it. COVID-19 came to all of us in waves. First, we heard of the virus as being specific to Wuhan, China. Then we saw it was spreading but not to the United States. Our government turned a blind eye as did many Americans thinking this isn’t “our problem.” Then, as cases started to increase, individuals who were watching the world began to panic. Maybe you were one of them? We saw you stock up before any of us. I saw my husband do this. Finally, in a series of reactions our governments acted and our worlds all halted in almost every aspect.
In each of these waves, we as individuals were trying to navigate the threat from wave to wave. Fight, flight, freeze? There is not a wrong response. How can there be? You and I were just doing the best we could as information came to us. For professional reasons, I’ll leave my views on the government out of this piece.
When we got to the final wave of Shelter in Place, a new series of threats came. We worried about working, childcare, access to food, our loved ones, the virus entering our homes and so much more. As a business owner, I worried about this for myself and my employees. As a woman, I worried about my family, my friends, and our world. I’m still having a hard time sleeping. I am scared, I know you are too. But here’s what I want to hold space for. What I think our community really needs to hear: your fear(s) are no greater or less than my fear(s). This is where we can all use compassion and grace.
Handling COVID-19 with Compassion
I’ve heard countless friends not want to air their frustrations surrounding COVID-19 because their frustrations don’t seem to compare to what other people are struggling with. In reality, a very small percentage of us have someone close to us who is affected. If you are in that small percentage, please know that you are my sisters and brothers. I see you, I feel your pain, and I’m so sorry.
But for those of you who have not lost a loved one, seen someone get sick, or lost essential needs like housing or food, your fears are still real. It’s OK. You can look at them, hold them, and still give compassion to the person suffering more. Honestly, I think this is the only true way this is done.
I learned a little phrase from yoga, “the light in you is the light in me.” I think it is also true that the darkness in me is the darkness in you because we are all human. And as humans, we all feel pain, fear, and have days–even years–where we are not our best selves. But if we push down those fears and mistakes without giving ourselves permission to have them we are not being our best self. We’re making ourselves miserable and unable to see each other. To see the other we first have to see ourselves.
So here’s what I suggest. I suggest everyone taking a collective deep breath and honoring our fears. If we don’t label our fears because we’re afraid they don’t hold a candle to what everyone else is going through, we can’t release them. It’s that simple.
Working Out Your COVID-19 Fears with Grace
Here are some of my fears. I’m afraid to go on walks with my children or grocery shopping for fear of bringing the virus into our home. I’m anxious every time we get a package if brought inside within 24 hours. I’m afraid I’m not cooking enough quality food for my children. I’m upset I can’t get my meat from the farm right now. I’m worried I’m not being a good enough boss, wife, and mother all at the same time. I’m worried about my mom and aunt who have weak lungs. My cousin too. And, of course, I worry about the virus overtaking my children, husband or myself.
If you name your fears and honor them you have then given yourself compassion. You’ve said it’s OK to feel what you feel. If you can give yourself compassion you can give it to another person. Empathy is born from comparing your own feelings to someone else; it teaches you to hold the world in your heart.
Lastly, I’d like to talk about my friend grace (not my adorable niece Grace). Grace is knowing that it is OK to fail. Has anyone else yelled at your kids while pulling up the news lately? Or snap at your husband when he interrupts you trying to do a work email? Yeah, me too. Walking through a time of fear is messy. Learning that honoring your fears isn’t taking away from someone else’s hurt is hard. Giving yourself a mental hug when you lose your shit or walk up the stairs 15 times to see if you can breathe? Absolutely necessary.
It’s Ok. The world is hurting and you are too. But together we can hold ourselves close to our own hearts and by doing so hold the entire world close as well.
Xoxo,
Jessie
