Summertime for Parents of the Neurodiverse

Summertime for Parents of the Neurodiverse

by | Jun 19, 2025

The season of winter has passed and during it I’ve been inconsistent in writing for my company and the amazing parents who entrust their children to us. I don’t know about any of you, but as a single mom who works full time sometimes things just fall off the edge. I’m lucky to have a team who keeps me on track. They’ve taken the lead on surveying our families and asking what they’d like support on. I’ll do my best, mamas and papas, to keep on track and hopefully give more consistent support through writing. I’m not an expert on everything and I am walking beside you on this wild journey of parenthood. I also have two decades of experience as a clinician in the field of behavior analysis. With that, the first topic of support I’ve been asked for is navigating summertime when your child is neurodiverse.

Navigating Summertime

With warm days finally upon us, it makes sense to me that this was the first topic requested by our parents. I too felt a low-grade panic as somehow we skipped from making Valentine boxes all the way to final field trips of the year. I almost missed my youngest’s field trip because of the denial in my mind that school was about to be over. Thank goodness for my first-born who keeps us honest and as a first grader reminded me both of the date and my promise to go see Highland cows. Yep, okay little man, you are correct, and mama will rearrange work to take a field trip to a farm while also living on a small farm. Off we went and with it came the end of the school year and the last time I will have a child in kindergarten. The structure of the school year gives me time to both work and be a parent. I love the sunshine as much as anyone else, but the thought of ten weeks without structure sends anxiety waves up my spine.

Like you, I want what is best for my children and to show up as their sturdy leader. My children are not neurodiverse. When thinking about what to write to you as fellow parents, but parents who have differently abled children, my first thoughts go to you and not what your children need. We’ll get there in a moment, but to me the most important part of parenthood is you the parent. I know we’ve all heard this a million times but I’m going to tell you again; you must put your oxygen mask on first, mamas and papas. Without giving yourself what you need, giving your children both what they need and what you want for them becomes impossible. I shared my story about my panic during the summer starting as a prelude to letting you know I was aware that summer can be hard for me. Knowing that the season was changing I could either enter summer without a plan for myself (and my children) or I could take inventory of what we all needed. I chose the latter and my darlings, I encourage you to do the same.

Taking Care of You

That is the place to start always, but it is frightfully easy to forget the days when you’re simply making mac and cheese and trying to stop the millionth meltdown. Popsicle before breakfast? You bet. You will not be perfect in putting together a plan for yourself. However, in the moments you’re taking deep breaths on the bathroom floor, having a plan is your toolbox and lifeline. It is the reminder that when you’re wiping your tears away, you’re past the point of being able to take care of yourself and therefore your children. So darling, what is it that you need to feel like you and to not feel in reaction to your children?

The way I encourage others to take their inventory is to first think of their body, then their spirit, and finally their mind. When your body is getting what it needs, your nervous system is less likely to overload. Personally, I must schedule time in the gym and on my yoga mat. Four days a week is my must-have no matter what. I also need eight hours of sleep, protein, and a strong coffee. If I can sleep, move my body, and avoid fueling myself on the grilled cheese crusts I cut off for my children, I’m able to operate from a calmer space. I also need time in nature for my spirit (and away from my children) and a place for my mind to think beyond Lego arguments. I can’t always do it all, and so, when I’m overwhelmed, taking deep breaths is the first thing I do to remember my body. Once I’m taking care of it, it’s easier to shift into what my spirit needs and then my mind. Even though I may only have a few minutes a day for self-care, I know I need it.

So, what about you, darling? When you think about operating from a space of being able to attend to your children versus surviving with them, what do you need? Does your body need a walk every day? More water and fewer margaritas (party pooper, I know)? Do you need to turn off screens at night so you can sleep better? What about giving your children more screen time than you would like so you can stream a workout from home? The list is endless and only you know what you need. Giving yourself what you need to feel like yourself is the ultimate guide to summer and any season in this wild ride called parenthood. And of course, part of giving yourself what you need is providing for your child what they need in their seasons, too. Summer is tricky; there is not the structure of school. All children need structure, and neurodiverse children need that even more.

Structure for Your Littles

After you have thought about what you need, I encourage you to explore how to give your child structure throughout the summer as well as help them keep learning. If you are a parent of an autistic child, keeping your child in applied behavior analysis (ABA) therapy is crucial. During ABA therapy your child is learning skills to navigate the social world. Without school, taking your child into a clinic is the environment that will most mimic a school setting if you are able to do that. Time in the clinic is also time you’ll have for yourself to recharge. And hopefully your ABA company like IABA comes into the home and community with you. So, when your little one is home, a portion of that time is supported by a behavioral therapist. If your district offers ESY, I strongly encourage this, too. Keeping routine and structure will help your child decrease their anxiety and continue to gain skills that make their lives easier to navigate. That is what ABA is, after all, a science that focuses on quality of life.

Outside of keeping your child in ABA therapy, keeping them connected to their social world is my last recommendation. Isolating any child with therapy all day and no play isn’t what is best for them. Sign up for that summer pool pass, blend ABA clinic time with a special needs day camp, log on to the theatres around you for sensory screenings, plan that play date with a fellow parent who gets what your family is going through. Spend time disconnected from electronics and together with family and friends because with school out, that is what the sunshine of summer is for. To remind us to slow down and soak it up.

Care for yourself first, provide structure for your child, and then, my darlings, find moments of joy to bask in this season. And when the moments get tough, remember you and your little one are doing your very best. Strap on that oxygen mask and try again my love.

Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper

If You Could, You Would

If You Could, You Would

by | Jan 16, 2025

As with almost everyone, the holiday season swept me away – it had moments of joy and a whole lot of sickness. It was the season of celebrating togetherness while silently cursing the germs that come with that togetherness both at home and at work. I spent the latter part of December supporting our wonderful families and staff to figure out coverage where we could when members of our IABA family got sick. As the owner, though, I was supporting them through a double sinus infection and feel as though I’ve been healthyish for just two days now. ‘Tis the season to lose our routines and immune systems! With that, writing this new series took a back burner. I’m hopeful that in the new year I can bring more of these to you. So, where did we leave off? Oh yes, this belongs.

It is almost ironic to write that last sentence because of course holiday time and germs belong! But in the context of our series, we were unpacking parenting woes. Luckily the blog that has been churning in my mind goes right along with accepting what is here. In order to better understand acceptance, I’ve also been seeking to understand the shame that comes with parenting. I’ve been asking myself, “Where does shame come from?” While I am certain that each person’s shame story is unique, I am equally certain the root is the same. You see, shame tells us we are weird, bad, different, failing, alone, and not enough. Each person’s shame will uniquely personalize that shame to them. Fun, huh? But the effect of the shame is to separate us from others while casting judgement on ourselves. How then can we accept what is here for ourselves or our children while we are in shame? We cannot.

Wow! You might be thinking,  “I just came out of a cookie coma and am riding home on antibiotics. Do we have to start that dark?” Well, kind of. But ultimately, no. You see, I need to lay the framework for what I’m about to write. I want you to remember that when you are hard on yourself (anyone else’s jeans tight?!) it is entirely human to default to feeling shame. If we can hold on to the truth that self judgement is not our fault, we can then get curious about what we are resisting.

While we could take this in many different directions today, I want to talk to you parent to parent. In our identity as a parent, shame can come roaring in when our children are struggling. This too belongs, but it does not have to stay. I almost feel shame writing this to you. To admit that when my children are struggling I can cast both internal and external judgement is hard! It is hard and incredibly human. You see, I believe that almost everyone is doing their best, but criticism comes when things go sideways. Being a parent is a surefire way for things to go sideways – often. Lucky for us that also means a whole lot of practice releasing shame and then accepting what is here as the first step forward, not sideways.

I do not believe difficult times with our children have to stay; I’ve built an incredible company on this principle. I do believe that we have to accept the reality of what is here to navigate our way out of the weeds. Shame diverts us; presence guides us. With that I want to leave you with a strategy to lift the grips of shame. As those grips release, we can then take a compassionate look at the amazing person, parent, child, and family before us. I live in one of those families and have the honor of serving over a hundred of them at IABA. Are you ready? I hope so.

To begin, make sure to get cozy. I recommend soft everything, a large glass of ice water, and some deep belly breaths. Now imagine yourself in the most challenging situation with your child. Pick either a past or recent moment when your child was struggling and you had no idea what to do. Now stop the memory, place a hand on your heart (and one on your belly to breathe) and instead of reacting to it, witness. Instead of feeling a victim to the moment and at odds with yourself and your child, just watch. Was your child in control? Did they want to be? Did you want to be? Now, in witnessing the moment, instead of judging the moment, play back how you would want your parenting moment to go. As you play back this moment, I am certain you want what is best for your child. Sit with that for just a moment. In your hardest moment with your child you were deeply caring about them. No, you did not show up with a solution. No, nothing is changing with these moments (yet) but if you could, you would. 

That’s it, my darlings. That is the conclusion I have come to after almost two decades in practice and eight years as a mama. As I have sat and interviewed countless families, the caring for their children seeps through.  When your child is struggling in a moment or in life, you as a parent want what is best for them. That is your truth.

If we all use this lens towards both ourselves and fellow parents, judgement and shame will melt away. As the shame melts, you will see the incredible parent you are, wanting what is best for your child even if you don’t know quite how to get there.  Use this desire to want more for your family and reach for it. Offer compassion to that struggling mama in the grocery store. Know that we are all more the same than we are different. When we don’t know what to do, we can ask for help. And every step of the way remember, if you could change your child’s challenges, you would. It’s okay not to know what to do – this belongs. If you could do things differently, you would and someday you will.

Xoxo,

Jessie Cooper