As with almost everyone, the holiday season swept me away – it had moments of joy and a whole lot of sickness. It was the season of celebrating togetherness while silently cursing the germs that come with that togetherness both at home and at work. I spent the latter part of December supporting our wonderful families and staff to figure out coverage where we could when members of our IABA family got sick. As the owner, though, I was supporting them through a double sinus infection and feel as though I’ve been healthyish for just two days now. ‘Tis the season to lose our routines and immune systems! With that, writing this new series took a back burner. I’m hopeful that in the new year I can bring more of these to you. So, where did we leave off? Oh yes, this belongs.
It is almost ironic to write that last sentence because of course holiday time and germs belong! But in the context of our series, we were unpacking parenting woes. Luckily the blog that has been churning in my mind goes right along with accepting what is here. In order to better understand acceptance, I’ve also been seeking to understand the shame that comes with parenting. I’ve been asking myself, “Where does shame come from?” While I am certain that each person’s shame story is unique, I am equally certain the root is the same. You see, shame tells us we are weird, bad, different, failing, alone, and not enough. Each person’s shame will uniquely personalize that shame to them. Fun, huh? But the effect of the shame is to separate us from others while casting judgement on ourselves. How then can we accept what is here for ourselves or our children while we are in shame? We cannot.
Wow! You might be thinking, “I just came out of a cookie coma and am riding home on antibiotics. Do we have to start that dark?” Well, kind of. But ultimately, no. You see, I need to lay the framework for what I’m about to write. I want you to remember that when you are hard on yourself (anyone else’s jeans tight?!) it is entirely human to default to feeling shame. If we can hold on to the truth that self judgement is not our fault, we can then get curious about what we are resisting.
While we could take this in many different directions today, I want to talk to you parent to parent. In our identity as a parent, shame can come roaring in when our children are struggling. This too belongs, but it does not have to stay. I almost feel shame writing this to you. To admit that when my children are struggling I can cast both internal and external judgement is hard! It is hard and incredibly human. You see, I believe that almost everyone is doing their best, but criticism comes when things go sideways. Being a parent is a surefire way for things to go sideways – often. Lucky for us that also means a whole lot of practice releasing shame and then accepting what is here as the first step forward, not sideways.
I do not believe difficult times with our children have to stay; I’ve built an incredible company on this principle. I do believe that we have to accept the reality of what is here to navigate our way out of the weeds. Shame diverts us; presence guides us. With that I want to leave you with a strategy to lift the grips of shame. As those grips release, we can then take a compassionate look at the amazing person, parent, child, and family before us. I live in one of those families and have the honor of serving over a hundred of them at IABA. Are you ready? I hope so.
To begin, make sure to get cozy. I recommend soft everything, a large glass of ice water, and some deep belly breaths. Now imagine yourself in the most challenging situation with your child. Pick either a past or recent moment when your child was struggling and you had no idea what to do. Now stop the memory, place a hand on your heart (and one on your belly to breathe) and instead of reacting to it, witness. Instead of feeling a victim to the moment and at odds with yourself and your child, just watch. Was your child in control? Did they want to be? Did you want to be? Now, in witnessing the moment, instead of judging the moment, play back how you would want your parenting moment to go. As you play back this moment, I am certain you want what is best for your child. Sit with that for just a moment. In your hardest moment with your child you were deeply caring about them. No, you did not show up with a solution. No, nothing is changing with these moments (yet) but if you could, you would.
That’s it, my darlings. That is the conclusion I have come to after almost two decades in practice and eight years as a mama. As I have sat and interviewed countless families, the caring for their children seeps through. When your child is struggling in a moment or in life, you as a parent want what is best for them. That is your truth.
If we all use this lens towards both ourselves and fellow parents, judgement and shame will melt away. As the shame melts, you will see the incredible parent you are, wanting what is best for your child even if you don’t know quite how to get there. Use this desire to want more for your family and reach for it. Offer compassion to that struggling mama in the grocery store. Know that we are all more the same than we are different. When we don’t know what to do, we can ask for help. And every step of the way remember, if you could change your child’s challenges, you would. It’s okay not to know what to do – this belongs. If you could do things differently, you would and someday you will.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper