by Jessie Cooper | Mar 11, 2020
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been sharing some of my favorite parenting practices, practices that I believe have a direct impact on positive development. In writing these blogs, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my take on academics and young children. In a world that has growing expectations concerning what children should know, I’m more than happy to write my spin. That being said, I have to admit that my opinion on this topic stems from my grandma.
As a child, family was really important to my dad (it still is). He made a point to see his parents and to keep us connected with our aunts, uncles, and cousins. One way he kept my sister and I connected with my grandparents, who lived on a farm about an hour away, was to leave us with them for a week every summer. This was my favorite week of the year!
During the week on the farm, we would help take care of the animals (well, mostly me!) garden (again, me ) and learn to sew (mostly my sister). We got this amazing exposure to a slower pace of life and to learn about my grandparents’ take on the world.
My Grandma Virginia was the matriarch of the family and a force to be reckoned with. There was really only one opinion that mattered: hers. I loved her. Originally my grandma went to college to become a teacher but met my widowed grandpa who had two small children. Her life quickly changed when they wed. They had four more children of their own and she spent her years raising them while my grandpa worked as a traveling minister. When all her children were grown (all 6!) she went back to get her master’s in special education, which was right around the time I was born. She then went on to teach 6th grade and special education.
Learning About Education
In talking to me about children and education, there was something my grandma said to me that has always stayed with me. She told me that when she went back to college she was amazed by how many new theories had been created and how expectations had changed yet children were still just children. To her, this new world of education was based on adults wanting to “make a system better based on their own take,” versus really just following a child. She was concerned about the new level of academic work being pushed at a kindergarten level that then, of course, lead to the age of standardized testing.
Now, mind you, I was born in 1987, which was the year my grandma got her master’s. It was most likely the mid-90’s when she shared this opinion with me. But sitting here this morning, writing this to all of you, I can’t help but feel she was onto something.
I’ve now sat across the table from hundreds of parents with children who have autism and are worried that their young children are behind academically. In speaking to these parents, I have learned they are concerned with things like their children being unable to sit in a group, or solo, for a long period of time, not knowing shapes, colors or ABC’s, and not being able to read by kindergarten. I also know my mom-friends of young neurotypical children have the same concerns. These parents want to make sure their children are set up to be successful at school. This is a great goal, but, if you ask me, the academics really don’t matter in early childhood. Here’s why.
Childhood Development: More than Academics
To me, in regards to education, I have one skillset to emphasize to my children before they go to school; love to learn. That’s it. As I’ve written about before, children are naturally curious and ready to take on their world every single day. This thirst is what will drive them to learn just about anything we ask of them later in life. At an early age, forcing rote memorization of facts (colors, numbers, letters, shapes) doesn’t match the level of curiosity children have; it confines them to a small space versus the world. In doing table time work with small children, we’re teaching them to follow a rule (sit/see/do) versus teaching them to learn. Please don’t get me wrong; sitting at a table and doing work is super important as a child gets older but up until age 5 or so I really don’t see a benefit.
When a child is little I want to see them sit to eat, read books, play, and with family around 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Going potty is also a time to sit. If a child can sit through these social scenarios and understand the expectation, awesome! I really don’t expect more than that before age 5. The reason for this is children are natural movers! They learn through exploration and don’t have an attention span longer than their age. Asking a child under 5 years old to sit and “do homework” is really just an expectation of the institution versus something developmentally appropriate. Now, I know A LOT of educators might read this and not agree; that’s OK, that’s your right. I can tell you, however, that by working in a preschool with young children with autism and by watching my own children that I strongly believe in what I’m saying.
Children learn in their world. If we, as educators, parents, and therapists, begin forcing academic behavior and content before a child shows interest (between the ages of infancy to 6 years) then I do not believe we’re helping them get ahead. What I have seen as a huge benefit in development working with young children with autism and my own children is to just follow their interests. This means play, play, play or read, read, read! And if there are opportunities to teach during moments of play or reading? Go for it! It’s totally OK to ask for letters, shapes, colors and so on while playing or reading. By doing this, we’re teaching children that learning is exciting and to love to learn! There’s no pressure in this way of instruction and children learn to seek out this type of interaction. It reinforces curiosity & learning. This is what I want for my children and, more so, what I would want for a child with autism.
Encouraging Childhood Curiosity
If children are curious about adult interactions and finding new interactions within their world, the rest (like academics) will come. Really! For children with autism, learning the value of social interaction is a key component of their treatment in ABA (applied behavior analysis) therapy. What I don’t want to see in a young child with autism before the age of 4 is being brought to a table to learn and memorize information as the primary part of their therapy. I want to see them working with their therapists through play with only a small part of therapy reserved for focus and tabletop work. In my children and other neurotypical children, I don’t see any value in tabletop work before age 5 unless a child initiates it.
Children are magically curious, with an appetite to know more each and every day. What my grandma noticed when she returned to college all those years later was an increase in the expectations from institutions yet no change in the child. In her words, “we don’t need to reinvent education.” It’s been some time since my years on the farm and my grandma has since passed on but today I feel close to her and in complete agreement. Let them be little, let them be wild, let them be a little wild!
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 3, 2020
Growing up, my parents were very structured and very strict. From a child’s perspective, I had a laundry list of things I did not agree with and regularly challenged (sorry Mom and Dad!). I can still relate to ways in which I was raised that still don’t resonate with me as an adult. This is not to say my parents were bad people, we just had very different perspectives.
That being said, one thing I thought was a top injustice of my childhood was my limited TV exposure. I know I felt on the outside when it came to what other children my age were allowed to watch, both in content and length. Now, as an adult, I’ll humbly admit “Mom & Dad you were right.” I do not believe in exposure to TV before age two and believe in continuing to control exposure through all of childhood. This is my belief as a researcher and a mama.
Limiting Exposure to TV During Childhood
So, why do I have such a strong belief in monitoring exposure to televsion? Why do I feel so strongly about not want my children exposed to television at an early age? Why do I want TV used with control and boundaries as my children grow up (Dametrious can tell you how unfair his screen time limit is!)?
I believe, and research supports my belief, that the use of technology in children under the age of two has a direct negative impact on language development. Per Welcome to Your Child’s Brain; “U.S. babies of seven to sixteen months who spend more time in front of the screen know fewer words. Two or more hours per day of screen time before the first birthday is associated with a sixfold increase in the risk of language delay. Even Sesame Street Viewing by babies correlates with language delay, though this program has lasting beneficial effects on three-to-five years olds.”
To elaborate, repeated exposure to technology builds new neural pathways in our brains teaching them to look for instant responses at a speed the natural world cannot keep up with. This can enhance symptoms of ADHD and autism, create antisocial behavior, and start an addictive engagement with technology. In sum, technology is built to teach us to engage with it and not the world around us.
Raising Children with Little or No Screen Time
For these reasons, I choose and teach to limit technology with all children, my own included. I know reading this might trigger some mom guilt. Trust me, I feel it too! This is why I think it’s important to talk about children and screen time.
As a working mom of young children, there is chaos at my house at any given moment. There are times every day where I feel I’d just like an easy out. An out that makes my children sit quietly so I can do, well, anything. TV is a huge temptation to use as a pacification tool. For me, however, the “sit and zone out” quiet time TV provides is not worth the cost on a daily basis.
When children are in front of a screen they are not interacting with their social world, period. This means that all their beautiful, developing synapses, synapses only available to them for their first three years of life, are going unused. When a TV or screen is on my children are not learning and many critical social and lingual milestones may be delayed. As their mama, knowing what I do, I just can’t stand in the way of my children when it comes to development.
Substitutions for Screen Time
So, my opinion is that any lengthy screen time is not an option for young children. What do I do to distract my children in stressful situations? First I have to tell you that limiting or eliminating screen time is definitely a lifestyle choice. Not using screen time as a tool means I have a lot of messy moments in my house.
For example: Every morning when I wake up around 6AM my husband is leaving for work, which leaves the task of getting three children ready for the day solely up to me. My youngest, Declan, nurses first, followed by Henry and Declan playing in my room and bathroom while I get ready. They take EVERYTHING out and turn my room upside down. Specifically, Henry enjoys “ice skating’ by putting lotion on his feet in my bathtub or maybe shredding cotton balls for his dinosaurs to eat.
My brain can get overloaded with all their quick little interactions with the environment of my bedroom or bathroom. A bouncy seat with Sesame Street on TV sounds SO nice. But I know if we start the day that way, all the beautiful energy and curiosity in the world will switch to a pattern of behavior to crave technology every morning.
So, Henry ice skates, Declan turns everything upside down, and I do my hair (while taking a lot of deep breaths). I play this scenario throughout our days together because being home with small children alone is HARD WORK. Whether it’s getting ready for work, being home during the day, bedtime–you name it–single parenting is no joke. If you throw in children with different abilities, like autism, and life may feel totally overwhelming. For me, keeping technology rules in our home is really helpful for dealing with the feeling of being overwhelmed; it gives me a structure to lean on every single day.
Screen Time Rules for Kids
With all the above being said, I still believe that TV and screen technology in general can be OK in moderation. But screen time must be my choice not my children’s. I have to admit, it’s been a real balance test for me since my husband and I introduced TV to Henry at 2 years old and I’m constantly fretting over his exposure. Declan still has not been exposed (minus seeing his brother set up for movie night on Sundays) at almost a year old.
TV rules at our house are keeping movie nights to Sunday night outside of special events like my husband wanting a boys night (Star Wars is out on Disney Plus). We also limit Henry’s access to 20 minutes a day or, sometimes, every other day. Up until Henry was 2 ½, there was almost zero daily exposure to TV. If I know I’m going to need a minute to myself, I plan 20 minutes around me, not him, for TV time.
We also allow zero screen time on Ipads, unless it’s a long trip or public place where we really need Henry to sit (Acceptable example: getting an Xray at the doctors. Bad-example: going out to eat). Every once in a while, I cut myself some serious slack, usually due to extreme outside stress, and use TV outside of our family rules. Because life happens. Just remember not to use every excuse you can to break the rules!
I know it’s a lot to digest the WHY of limited screen time from a practitioner’s standpoint. As a mama, I know reducing or eliminating screen time is not the easy route, trust me. But I chose this route for my children because I want them to be curious, messy, loud, and in love with everything that goes on around them!
If I make a choice to make TV part of their day or not, I’m making a choice to teach them to disengage from the screen world in front of them. And I think in the growing age of technology we could all be a little messier & engaged.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 26, 2019
Last week we dove into attention-maintained behaviors and what to do when your little one is engaging in challenging behaviors to gain your (or others) attention. This week we’re going to jump into talking about what to do when your child is engaging in problem behaviors to access escape. So, in turn, we’re going to talk all about my son, Henry.
To begin let’s remember the recipe for identifying if your child is engaging in problem behavior to escape your demand. First, you, as the parent, ask your child to do something. Next, your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you. Lastly, you remove the demand to avoid the behavior. Look at the middle part again. “Your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you.” What this means is your child has figured out what behavior they can use to make you essentially back off. As a mama this is tough. I know this as a clinician, but I’m also living it.
A few weeks ago we talked about making a list of behaviors that are not OK in your home. My list was hitting, spitting, and yelling at an adult. Henry does all three of these things every day at some point to escape my demands. “Now wait a second!” you’re saying. “You are our guide, the ticket out of these behaviors and your son does these things on a daily basis?” Yes, but stay with me!
Raising A Strong-Willed Child
Henry, from infancy, has been a strong-willed child. I’m a strong-willed woman and Henry’s Daddy is Bulgarian, so he got a double dose of stubbornness.
I remember writing this in Henry’s baby journal, “I didn’t know babies came out like you.” When we were sleep training Henry at 6 months, he would lay on his belly popping his pacifier in and out of his mouth watching the door then when we walked in he’d flip over and start crying. Smart little guy. Since then it’s been a steep learning curve to stay ahead of Henry. He is a bright child, full of love, life, and in his little brain, he knows best.
Henry has strong opinions about how his day should go. When I tell him it’s potty time, or it’s time to get dressed, or he needs to sit to eat, and so on and so forth, he will challenge me. Normally it’s just a vocal comment and an attempt to negotiate with us (negotiating with a two-year-old is tougher than it sounds!) to which I stand my ground most days. When it comes time to follow through with a task I need him to do (normally dressing, potty, buckle to eat), however, Henry will yell, hit, and even spit at times.
These behaviors first started to ramp up around the time we welcomed Henry’s brother, Declan into our lives. I wasn’t capable of finding the function, making a plan, or teaching a new skill when Henry’s new behaviors started. I was barely hanging on at the time and all I could give was showing up to get through the day. Henry’s new behaviors took hold mainly because I was occasionally reinforcing them (“Ok Henry, sit wherever just eat”). Henry learned that if he used these three behaviors (yelling/hitting/spitting) I would get pissed and give in from time to time. This was not a fun dance.
Working on Yourself to Help Your Children
Over the past few months, I’ve been working hard at calming down my own nervous system to be a better mama. Two kids under two is hard. I’ve been asking myself what I need to be able to do to take a step back and truly help my son by helping myself. It was in taking this step back and working out more, meditating more, playing more–working on me more–that I could objectively see his pattern. Before this point, I was just putting myself down, telling myself that as a clinician I should know how to fix this, even telling myself that I was a bad mom. This behavior didn’t help anyone and felt awful. When I took a step back, I was able to change the narrative and tell myself, “yes you’ve reinforced some of these behaviors, but that’s OK. You can change it now.” Simply said, I’m taking things day by day. Henry’s undesirable behaviors are not down to zero, mainly because Henry had learned that these behaviors work. It takes time to unteach this.
What this looks like for us now is that I wisely choose the demands I’ll place on Henry and give him a choice where a choice is available. I believe every child should have this balance. Henry can choose to open one toy bin (we play by theme so I can dump a bin and clean a bin up vs. having toys everywhere), what fruit or veggie he wants, what shirt he wants to wear, what movie to watch on movie night–all the fun stuff.
My husband, Martin, and I choose care routines and values. When it comes to following through with routines and values, we move forward regardless of Henry’s response. This look likes; “Henry, we’re eating. You don’t have to finish, but you have to try before you can get up,” or “It’s time to sit on the potty. When the timer goes off, you can get up,” and so on. This routine has lowered how often Henry engages in undesirable behaviors, but they still happen from time to time.
It’s going to take time for Henry to completely stop with these behaviors because he’s 2 and all limbic system. He also can’t tell me how these demands make him feel, so I model this for him. “I’m mad about potty!” It’s OK for him to not like something or not want to do it, but we all have to learn over time that there are things that just have to be done.
Working with Differently-Abled Children
If your child is differently-abled, they may be using certain behaviors to tell you a lot and you may need help to find out. For children with autism who are non-verbal or with limited verbal abilities, these behaviors are what they use to speak up! Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can help you find out what it is that your child is trying to escape, why, and how to build up language so that you, the parent, can then choose what demands are non-negotiable and what are your child’s choice within your home.
I hope this message serves you well and am wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 5, 2019
As a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) I’ve heard a lot of criticisms about ABA (applied behavior analysis) therapy. I think the bulk of these criticisms come from the misunderstanding that ABA is a field full of “Super Nannies.” Many misinformed people think that as soon as you raise your hand and say you’re having a hard time with your child, an ABA therapist will swoop in with the ‘naughty step.’
People who are familiar with ABA often think of BCBAs as enforcers. I won’t lie to you, we are a consistent breed of people but it’s not because we seek to enforce. We are scientists seeking to understand. BCBA’s are interested in why behaviors happen, so we can improve the quality of life for whole families. It’s that simple.
Functions of Behavior in Children
Now, before we jump into functions of behavior, it’s important to take a side step and look at neurology and development. If you don’t know where your child is developmentally you can often expect too much (or too little) from them. Toddlers are all limbic system, meaning there is no logic in their tiny little bodies. When I learned this, a large weight was lifted off my shoulders. The prefrontal cortex doesn’t begin to develop until three or four years of age.
Going further; In women the prefrontal cortex fully develops by 18 years. In men it’s 25 years(sorry guys!). So, while we need to be consistent with our children, we also need to realize what they are capable of. There’s a way to do both, I promise.
For starters; yes, everything does happen for a reason. When we come into the world, we come with a unique personality and a set environment. It is the environment that shapes our behaviors.
In ABA we don’t seek to change who someone is. We want to bring out who that special someone is! If a person is tantruming all day long, however, it will exhaust both them and their parents. What is helpful is to show parents why certain behaviors are occurring, to remove the reinforcers around a particular behavior and teach a new skill.
Parenting to Avoid Bad Behavior
As parents, you and I get to decide what behaviors we don’t want our children to engage in. Your list is going to look totally different than mine, which is 100% OK, but how to approach it will be the same.
This approach is pretty simple, once you have your list of behaviors. With this list (my list includes spitting, hitting, and screaming), you’ll start to look for what came before the behavior (antecedent) and what came after the behavior (consequence). As you record this information, a pattern will most likely emerge to show you what your little person is trying to achieve with these behaviors.
Here’s a quick way to look for four functions:
Attention:
Parent is preoccupied. Behavior occurs. Parent gives attention by engaging or scolding their child.
Escape:
Parent asks their child to something. Behavior occurs. Parent gives in to the demand to avoid the behaviors.
Tangible
Child asks for item/activity and is told no. Behavior occurs. Parent gives in to said item/activity.
Automatic:
Physically your child has needs like is hungry, tired, or in pain, so you go ahead and help them!
Analyzing Your Child’s Behavior
Soon you will start to see what your child is after with their behaviors. For me, there is a ‘two-step’ because of my son Henry’s age (two years). For any child beyond the age of 4, the two-step just changes order.
Step one is to let Henry melt down while I provide a neutral, safe space for him to get his ‘Big Feelings’ out because he’s in his limbic system and is feeling unsafe. For us this looks like limited talking, modeling deep breaths, and big hugs if he’ll let me.
Step two is making sure he doesn’t get his desired consequence. For attention this would be, “Mommy is still busy cooking let’s set a timer and then I’ll play,” Then, for escape, this would simply be not letting him escape the demand, “Yes you still have to put pants on.” Or, for a tangible, it’s a “No you can’t watch TV, let’s make another choice.”
If Henry were four or older I would flip this and remove the consequence he wanted first and then talk about the Big Feeling after he calmed down. Because he can’t self-regulate yet, I feel it’s important to model this for him. I know other BCBA’s out there who would disagree (and they’re not wrong), but it’s what I feel works for me as a Mama.
Learn What Works For Your Child
I think we would all benefit a little more from a world that says “it’s OK to feel this way, but no, you can’t do XYZ,” vs. “your desires are wrong, get over it.” After his behaviors occur, I also work to teach Henry how to use his words, tolerance to the word ‘no,’ and how to wait. In my opinion, these are essential skills for anyone dealing with young children.
I know it’s a lot to digest. To think that every little thing your child does is to achieve an outcome in their environment is new and overwhelming. I hope that if you start applying the steps outlined in this article that relief is on the way. Seeking to understand your little someone doesn’t have an instant solution. And hey, maybe you’ll start understanding a little bit more about yourself.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Nov 21, 2019
Last week I told you I could write for days about why I started my work. Don’t worry—today isn’t that day—but I do want to talk about a related topic. A large part of my clinical work history was spent reducing problem behaviors while I was working on a crisis team in Illinois. I spent around three years working with both children and adults who had some of the most severe behaviors in the state at that time.
Working with ASD Children
During my tenure with the crisis team, I successfully taught parents, caregivers, and staff why the individual they loved or supported was engaging in their problem behaviors. The lessons included what families could do when the behavior happens, and teaching new skills to replace the behavior. I had a 100% success rate with my clients and prided myself in this. The work I did with the crisis team doesn’t hold a candle to the toddler tantrums of my first child, Henry. After reading the last sentence, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “what little monster is she raising?” I can tell you that’s not the case. Henry is a spirited, wonderful little boy who quizzes me on dinosaurs daily, loves ice cream (who doesn’t), snuggles for hours reading with me, and always dances like no one is watching. But Henry, like every other two year I know, has Big Emotions. These Big Emotions took me for a spin when they started.
Coping with Difficult Behavior
Let’s back up for a second. When I did my work with the crisis team, what made me so successful? Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) has this cool science that studies why behaviors occur. It’s broken down into four categories; behavior happens to gain access to attention, escape from..(fill in the blank), access to tangibles/activities, or automatic (physiological) consequences. By consequences, I mean what follows a behavior. Say, for example, you’re busy making dinner and your child starts to yell or hit. You would probably stop cooking, scold your child, and move on. Your child is looking for your attention. Another example; you ask your child to come get dressed and they begin running and screaming through the house. Your child is trying to escape the demand. Run this recipe a few times over just about everything and you’ll start to see the patterns too. It’s eye-opening. When I did my work with the crisis team and later at my own company (Instructional ABA Consultants), I used this science to customize treatments by using this type of analysis. I would teach what the client is trying to achieve through their problem behaviors, how not to reinforce (or reward) them, and how to teach new skills in place of the problem behaviors.
Difficult Behavior and Family
Back to my situation; so why couldn’t I do this with my darling boy Henry? I have honestly spent a solid six months asking that question and beating myself up over it. Naturally, I reached out to my ‘mom tribe’ for help. I took to heart a lot of reminders from my ‘mom tribe,’ and read a wonderful book, “How to Stop Losing your Shit with your Kids.” When you are a parent and not a clinician you are emotionally attached to this little someone. You are also, almost all the time, running on fumes. When I had a 100% success rate with the crisis team I always had a full night’s rest, fresh coffee, done a morning workout, and chosen my schedule for the day. I was rested, in the zone, and able to come in to provide our cool science, train. On top of all that, every day, like magic I got to leave! With my own children, I’ve spent the better part of two years feeling 100% responsible for their wellbeing. If I’m being truthful I’ve been on overdrive for no good reason other than beating myself up over “doing it right.” Sound familiar? To change the dynamic at home I had to change my own behaviors and it started with self-care. It was impossible to objectively intervene during a toddler tantrum with my own tank so low. I needed to find little ways to start taking care of myself again and not feel guilty about it. I had to calm my nervous system down.
Finding A Balance
Now, while I’m still microwaving my coffee on any given day, I’m also noticing what it feels like to be stressed and taking action. I can’t say enough about the suggestions in the book I referenced above, as it walked me through many self-care steps. As mothers, we are still human and can’t expect ourselves to be “on,” at any given moment. In an emergency, yes, we should absolutely be there, but those 15 minutes of quiet time while you meditate, listen to music, or nap? These short self-care breaks are not damaging your child, they are actually helping them because you are helping you. Moms need to give themselves more frequent passes on being themselves versus being “mom” all the time. The feeling of being overly responsible for my children has changed now that I allocate a bit of time for myself. I also follow a new rule. When I’m feeling frustrated I pause, breathe, and do something recommended by “How to Stop Losing Your Shit with your Kids.” Henry and I do A LOT of down dog yoga poses. In treating myself better I’m able to step back and objectively look at Henry’s tantrums. Who knew that helping my kids started with helping myself? A good colleague of mine reminded me in the throes of motherhood that “ABA is always available to us.” Now that my tank is full“er” (remember I have two kids under two!) I can look to see what Henry is trying to achieve, help him use his words, be safe, and feel so much better about myself. It’s in doing less that I am finally beginning to feel like I’m doing more. While my days aren’t perfect they’re getting better. Using science and self-care are my current jam for tolerating tantrums. Xoxo, Jessie
