by Jessie Cooper | Mar 29, 2021
Fear lives inside of us as a wise messenger, to tell us when we are not ourselves; to tell us when we are in danger. Yet unguided fear, as I wrote about last week, loses her wisdom and becomes a monster in her own right. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Disney’s Moana, so let me give a brief description of an important part. In Moana, there is a scene where Moana herself is at a pivotal moment; she must defeat the monster that has been keeping her island and people from prosperity. In a swift plot twist instead of defeating the monster, Moana saves the monster who turns out to be the lost goddess of life. In our lives fear unguided is the monster. We are the lost goddess of life.
Understanding Fear
Fear begins with such a kind intention and true wisdom when it first presents itself. Remember the lion I wrote about last week? Fear tells us that we are in danger from either the outside world or from losing ourselves. The problem is, when fear is given free rein over our minds because we have not cared for her, she becomes the danger. We then feel madness and are never at home in our own minds. Unbridled fear drives us to always be at war.
This fear comes in so many ways but is kept alive with shame. Confused and worried that we are in fact in danger (if we don’t know how to guide our fear), we spiral into shame and either destroy ourselves or others. Fear is a monster when it is unleashed and unguided by understanding. Yet fear starts trying to be a wise counsel. When we don’t listen to what we need to stay safe, fear decides to write the narrative. I don’t know about you, but I’m fucking done with fear writing my narrative. She’s is an awful driver.
Fear Needs the Spirit of a Warrior
Over the last few days, I have been falling back into fear. I felt the signs and yet continued on until, at last, I cried with my sister and reached out to a few friends. My signs were that I was shopping, watching TV, scrolling on my phone at night, and drinking a glass of wine several nights a week. While all of these things may sound lovely (this is why I was doing them), they were in fact damaging because I was doing them to avoid discomfort and not because I was me. Fear had placed her hand on the wheel. She wanted to drive again. Luckily this ride was brief and I took the skills I have developed to stop fears reign. I soaked in a hot bath, candles lit, and asked my fear what she needed. Skills. She needs skills.
You see my life still has a lion chasing me. My body is still affected with PTSD from domestic violence and I only know how to prevent symptoms from climbing to a panic attack, not how to expose myself without being hurt. I have the strength inside of me yet I don’t know how to train fear to protect me. Fear needs a fierce spirit to protect me, to give me strength, to keep my heart soft and open. Fear needs the heart of a shepherd and the spirit of a warrior.
Learning to Manage Fear
Too often I’ve spent life just telling myself I’m OK because of the external world I create around me but am terrified at opening my heart. My heart desperately wants to be opened but cannot safely do so because she doesn’t have the skills to navigate pain and attack. My heart needs to know that when danger comes I will be her guardian. That I will listen and honor her sister fear. I am responsible for her and have treated her so badly over the years. There are tiny moments I fill her up when I know we can be safe. In the basement snuggling my boys, on the couch at my sisters, or when I’m at a meeting with my trusted team. I have a small circle where I can open my heart and fully accept love. And yet, when pushed into the world, the battlefield of life, I armor up in fear.
When I look to either my trusted circle, comprised of pretty much the best humans you’ll ever meet, or I look at those who have harmed me/others I see this same being. I believe this has always been my gift and curse. As one of my staff, Toshi, told me (see? best humans you’ll ever meet) when people meet me they give me their best because they see a successful woman in business they want to impress. What I see is all their potential and sometimes blindly look past their flaws. I do this personally and professionally. I am the chance giver. Or so I used to be. Now I openly look at each human in my presence and realize we are all bruised but whole. That it’s not my job to make anyone’s life better or worse but if my gifts can make anyone’s life better I will tell you I’m 100% in… but not at the cost of losing myself. I am responsible for myself, and my life. And you, my darling ones, are responsible for yours.
Understanding Pain
You see, life is not without pain. Pain will come. We will all be broken throughout our lives from heartache, grief, bullying, failure, and the like. But pain does not kill us. We can feel all of the pain and still move on. We can still live. We simply need to know how to protect ourselves in the absolute best way from real dangers within our lives and how to care for ourselves when all other pain comes. Fear is screaming at us to pay attention. I do not disagree with her. Yet her actions when we do not pay attention or have the skills to keep ourselves safe and loved are damaging. That’s how fear runs the show.
To provide our glorious hearts with what they need, we would all be wise to pop Wonder Woman in the DVD player (for you cool cats like me that like to watch actual movies, not streaming) and watch the goddesses train. This is what we need. Training. To be ready for the battles of life so we can stay, not become, the god/goddesses of our own hearts.
Aren’t you tired? Aren’t you ready to change things? Don’t you want to live the life your heart tells you is possible? Guide your heart with the partner of your wise mind. Look at the fears running your life and train them one by one. Train on how to let the fears that have no merit go and train on how to conquer the true dangers. Train to find your strength and to be ready for the battles that may come in life. When the next lion comes charging, do not be afraid. Be ready. Never forget, too strong for who?
Xoxo
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 22, 2021
When I was a child I went through a period where I was obsessed with the Salem Witch Trials. My mom even took me to Salem to see the museum. At the time I think I was just really intrigued by witches. In the Salem Witch Trials, we all know the story (I think), that in the late 1600’s young girls in Salem, Massachusetts accused women in their village of witchcraft leading to hysteria in the town. 19 women were hung, and 150 accused. 19 deaths based on lies and fear. Here we are, over 350 years later, and we still have blood on our hands from lies and fear.
In addition to having a small obsession with the Salem Witch Trials, I’ve had a larger obsession my whole life; understanding how and why we tick as humans. My mom tells everyone I was a quiet baby, I just watched. Fast forward two decades and I was getting a master’s in behavior analysis to formally understand why. Or so I thought.
Looking at Behavior Analysis
Behavior analysis is a wonderful science. It helps us see why observable behavior happens and what can be done to either increase it or decrease it. Applied behavior analysis is widely successful with autism because autism is a neurological disorder. When exterior behaviors are strengthened (like language) neuro-pathways connect and the map of the brain changes. It’s amazing. But what ABA doesn’t do is help us understand the mind because the mind is not observable. Perhaps someday it will be but until then we’re left to psychology, neuroscience, and spirituality to understand our inner world.
I say this to tell you more about ABA and more about me and my work. You see, I’m a woman who when there is a problem I have to fix it. I have both an analytical mind and an artist’s heart. I’ll throw music on to make the best damn spreadsheet you’ve ever seen, but I also paint (badly, but it’s still fun…). Same difference to me, I’m in my own space, I’m creating by putting my mind onto a canvas.
In learning about applied behavior analysis I was able to open my mind and eventually my business to this beautiful science. It helps me as a mommy, a boss, and a friend to understand the behaviors I can observe. Observation, however, does nothing for the inner world behind those behaviors. To my mind, always in search of knowledge, in knowing, I have to go further. I often cite Brene Brown in my work because she is a shame researcher. A researcher of our mind! I also read, almost daily, “A Course in Miracles,” to stay connected to the spirit surrounding me. To fill my heart as my mind wanders.
Fear & Behavioral Witch Hunts
This is my journey, right now that is. To understand the insides of my own mind and how they connect with my behavior. Then to understand how my behavior paints the reality I do or do not want. My understanding is still wobbly like I’m riding a bike without training wheels for the first time. But it feels so incredibly powerful to do. In doing this work I have found so much, and uncovered a simple untruth; we are all on a goddamn witch hunt.
Back in Salem the witch hunts began based on fear and eventually took lives. I could write to you today about every wonderful person I know then write about fears of rape and murder that have taken either part or all of their lives. Why? Why do we let this tiny untruth dominate the way in which we live? I’ll tell you.
Fear tells us not to look at it, to do absolutely anything to ourselves to avoid it, sometimes at the cost of our lives. From the interior of our minds telling us we are not enough, we are bad, we are sick, to the exterior world either validating these fears or us screaming back at the world they aren’t true, we are lost. We are lost in the witch hunt.
This I know to be true. Fear does not need to be feared, it needs to be understood. Fear is a messenger that tells you what you need as a human being. When a lion is running toward you, it tells you to run, when you put that Big Mac in your mouth and feel guilty, fear is beneath that telling you perhaps you aren’t taking care of yourself. Fear is so incredibly smart. Fear is your friend and fear needs a lot of goddamn support.
Our Fear of Fear
You see fear breeds the feeling of fear. It’s an endless loop without your loving presence. It comes with a message and then needs your love, following your receipt of the message, not affirmation. Let’s take the lion as an example. A lion is charging at you. You run, you are free. You need to sit down and thank fear for giving you speed you didn’t know you had. If you don’t do this, fear just operates without closure in the open. Now, anytime you see anything remotely lion-like fear wants to run. Fear needs you to thank her and to let her know she can rest.
When we do not tell fear “thank you” and let her rest, we get lost. Fear, without guidance, runs our body and lives. Our body kicks into high gear to protect us (see depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and the like) and our mind gets exhausted giving into the message. From there we have a few choices. The first is to take that fear out on ourselves and question our worth. The next is to tell fear it’s a liar and then take our shit out on everyone else. The last is to look at fear kindly, listen to the message, and provide validation and safety for ourselves. To give fear our support and guidance.
Fear needs to be heard. That’s why she is there. What fear doesn’t need is an open invitation to run every aspect of your life. Fear needs to say her piece, have you take the wise council, and let her rest. If you don’t do this fear becomes overloaded and confused. Without closure, she becomes the modern-day, “boy who cried wolf.” She is trying so hard to keep you safe but until you understand the root danger fear is trying to tell you about and thank her for it your mind is overloaded because fear is now calling everything a lion and not just real dangers.
Listening to Your Fears
To begin to understand this I want you to try a little formula for me. Ask yourself anytime you do not feel like yourself, “am I afraid?” Then begin to sort through the message to find the original lion and stop chasing wolves.
So, what will it be? How will you live your life? Will you continue the witch hunt for fear inside of you? Take that witch hunt to hang yourself and your brothers and sisters? Or perhaps, all these centuries later are you ready to put the rope down?
Lean in with a soft hand and brush the cheek of fear. Tell her “baby it’s OK, thank you so much for your wise counsel. I hear you. The message is just what I needed, now I’ll keep us safe.”
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 8, 2021
This weekend was a quiet one without my boys. I earned something on Audible called a “Weekend Warrior,” which I guess means I’ve listened long enough to be a warrior by their definition. The book I can’t stop listening to is “The Choice,” by Dr. Edith Eger, who, among other things, is a survivor of Auschwitz. While her tale is haunting, her perspective holds the key to our humanity. The key to joy.
Early in the book Dr. Eger shares a scene at Auschwitz when the Nazi’s had stripped the women and shaved their heads prior to giving uniforms. These women stood naked and bald for hours waiting. Dr. Eger’s sister Magda, known for her beauty in their town before the concentration camp, stood next to her, and asked “how do I look?”. Dr. Eger had a choice to make. She could shatter her sister and tell her she looked like a mangy dog or she could tell her the one truth she saw outside of this. “Your eyes,” Dr. Eger murmured, “they are beautiful. I never noticed them with all that hair.” Magda closed her eyes. “Thank you,” she murmured back. That my friends is the choice. That my friends is joy.
Defining Truth
We all have a choice in front of us at any given moment. We can choose to see the negative; we can choose to let the pains of the world swallow us. To be lost. We can choose to believe that the horrible things that happen to us or the words people say to us. Or that the messages pushed down our throats by society should be taken as gospel. This is not true. Yes, it happens to all of us, but it does not define us. We can define ourselves by choosing joy and beauty. By following the truth.
What of Dr. Eger’s truth you say? She went through a hell that no human should ever have to experience. Dr. Eger was forced into the worst situation possible but just because something is real does not mean it is true. It was real that the Nazis abused, murdered, and tortured millions of people but it is not true that the people they abused were less and deserved it. Take this little sentence and apply it anywhere. I promise you will be free.
Let’s think about this together. It is real that children are starving. It is not true that they should be. It is real that women are raped, it is not true that they ‘deserved it.’ It is real that transgender people have a suicide rate above all other people, it is not true that their life holds less value. It is real that black people are suppressed and murdered by white police, it is not true that they are less and deserve such treatment. It is real that women are taught to be polite, small and sexy, it is not true that our identity lies in these labels. It is real that men are appropriately taught to ignore their feelings and man up, it is not true that their feelings do not matter or make them weak. These are all examples of issues we face every day that hide the truth in generations old sexist, racist, or prejudiced societal narratives.
It is real that bad things happen to each and every one of us, it is not true any of us are inherently bad and deserve these things. Even if you have done unspeakable things, you have a choice to offer yourself compassion, show mercy, beg for forgiveness, and go back to what is true. If you are a person that has been the victim of real, unspeakable acts, you can also offer yourself these things and find what is true.
Finding Authentic Joy
Don’t you see? Can’t you feel it? Joy is our birthright. It’s not lost in wall street, in bodies carved from money to follow societal norms, in gender roles, sexual preference, skin color, the size of your wallet, or how you have walked so far during your time on earth. If you choose to believe any of this, as Dr. Eger writes, you are lost in the prison of your mind. Dr. Eger reminds us that while she was a prisoner of war, she was more free than any Nazi. She knew joy, she knew her worth, and knew she was not lost.
If a woman who has been stripped, shaved, starved, near raped, and lost her parents and former life to the chambers of Auschwitz can choose her sister’s blue eyes and hold them as joy, we can all find these tiny angels. They are sparkling through the world to remind us that only love is real. I have not been through half the hell of Dr. Eger’s life. I have walked through my own pain and the false belief that because bad things happened to me that somehow I somehow deserved them. I walked through losing the life I wanted to choose. I wrote to you months ago in the middle of my grief about the light in the forest, but didn’t know exactly what I was writing about. I now know I was writing about joy.
You see joy is the candle that tells us. Our world offers beauty, kindness, and grace. It comes to us in a child’s laugh, a dog wagging her tail at the door, a cup of coffee with a friend. As I walked through my own hell this past fall this is what I sought out every day. I was looking for Magda’s blue eyes. I was looking for what was true while what was real attempted to swallow me. The truth has set me free. Joy has reminded me of the possibility of being human. That regardless of the pain that may come in our lives we can all choose joy.
Choosing Joy
In choosing truth we can ask those who challenge our worth to leave. We can hold abusers and those lost in greed accountable and end damaging relationships. We can stop wars and bring water to the millions of mouths that still need it. To have this strength, we must first fill our own hearts with true joy. That’s the gasoline that will set the world ablaze with a new kind of life. A life where joy is offered for all.
One life at a time. Follow me, follow joy. Choose again. Joy is your birthright, and it’s all around you every day. Put down the lists, labels, and judgement. Shed the hate. Choose love. Choose Joy.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 17, 2021
Last week I wrote to you all about staying true to myself through my divorce and the importance of staying true to yourself. I have to be honest, this has been the struggle of my life and it’s a struggle I no longer accept.
This past summer I picked up a book, “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle, that changed everything. If you haven’t read it stop reading now, find the book at your favorite online bookshop, order, then come back. Glennon starts her book by talking about a cheetah named Tabitha who is at a zoo and was taught to chase a stuffed rabbit behind a car. The cheetah comes out for the crowds, does the trick, and is then rewarded with a piece of meat tossed in the dust.
Tabitha is fast and beautiful but dull as she completes the trick. When the cheetah moves back to her enclosure she paces, looks fierce, and feels raw. Glennon writes that the cheetah must hunger for the kill, for ink-black skies, and to be free. Tabitha must think she is crazy wishing for a life she’s never seen but knows she was born for. Glennon ends her chapter by saying “you’re not crazy, you are a goddamn cheetah.”
Embracing Your Inner Cheetah
That’s it, you guys. Seeing yourself as the cheetah, for what you were born for, is everything I’ve been trying to say to you. It’s everything I’ve been trying to believe for my entire life. I’m not crazy, I’m a goddamn cheetah. And so are you.
I can’t explain it, why I’ve struggled so much throughout my lifetime feeling caged. I have always had this gut feeling about how beautiful the world is, what it can be, and how pain and injustice can be eradicated. I’m not joking, this has been my beat since I was like five years old. I literally wake up every morning thirsty to build the world I see in my mind, a vision that used to become lost and exhausted in the day. I was chasing that stupid stuffed bunny.
Up until this fall, even as I built a beautiful life and business, I struggled. I felt a strong presence of wild passion inside me but allowed the noise of the world around me to muffle the roar. At work, my roar was louder because, as I’ve said before, it’s easier to fight for the injustice of others. I’ve used a fraction of my skills and talents to build the only Applied Behavior Analysis company that never turns a client away based on funding. Never. If I were Tabitha I imagine my time at my company would be like her first run in the wild. Muscles gleaming, breathless, beautiful. My company is beautiful but you know what? So am I.
Running for Yourself
Deep inside, I know the world could be a place where all of our needs are met. That was the reason for my first run–I ran for the disabled. I’ve run for many other things over the course of my life, but right now I’m running for me. If I believe that every single person deserves a beautiful life, free of oppression, hate, and suffering I have to start with myself. My entire being wants to run the Sahara, not just take a lap around my metaphorical cage.
I believe that every single human life counts. I also believe that there are humans that will never turn away from hate, hate directed towards themselves or others. It’s hard not to believe that greed, selfishness, and the like keep billions of people oppressed, unable to pursue their dreams. And that people who are oppressed (caged) themselves facilitate caging others around them. This is not the way; it’s the lie that too many of us blindly follow.
You see we are each given only one wild and precious life. Each morning the sun rises and falls, the world spins, and life goes on. There is beauty around us every day, but there is also destruction. Our choice? Follow the life that destruction has told us is real or get out of the goddamn cage and run.
You must be strong to run. Strength does not come from hiding away and accepting that this is simply how life is. It’s looking eye to eye with the stuffed rabbit and telling it, “you are not real,”
Do you want to know who is real? Me. You. My children. Your children. We are all fierce, beautiful, divine creatures ready for the hunt. We are ready to sleep under the ink-black sky of night, breathe the cool fresh air, and live. Live with me. Be free.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 9, 2021
Over the past few months, I’ve been alluding to my own personal struggles as well as our collective trauma as a nation. This week I publicly announced that I’m getting a divorce. One thing that I’ve committed myself to is never abandoning myself again. This means that as easy as it would be to get ugly, to lash out, and place blame throughout my divorce I cannot do it. It is not within me to directly harm another person with my actions. Hold accountable? Yes. Harm? No. How is this possible during a divorce or any other trauma? I don’t have all the answers but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned.
Learning from Struggle
For anyone who has gone through a divorce and thus googled, “divorce,” late at night you know what I found. That divorce is listed as the second hardest thing humans go through next to the death of a family member. I can attest that it is hard but I haven’t lived long enough to confirm what Google has to say. What I do know is that when the divorce came to me in the early days my emotions were overwhelming. There are many reasons for that but I’ll share those later on. In the middle of those emotions, I of course found rage and fear. When these emotions came to me I had to decide what to do with them.
Knowing that I have committed to never lose myself again, not to anyone or anything, I knew that while I could listen to my emotions I was not willing to use them against my ex-husband or others surrounding him that were causing me to hurt. I was full of hurt but if I channeled my hurt into anger to lash at them all I was doing was perpetuating the cycle. I would lose myself and someday regret it. So, instead of choosing to lash out, I chose to take the high road by taking really good care of myself.
Focusing on Yourself
The first thing I did was to make sure that I allowed myself space to feel every single feeling. That if I was having a hard time I honored it, then provided the care my mind and body needed. Just today, for example, I had a stressful call, and to process my stress I put everything down to walk and clear my head. The next thing I did was let people help me and reached out to my tribe. In doing these two things I was able to hold space for myself to reclaim who I am and not at the expense of harming others or myself. I’ve found that this short process can help on any given day.
In walking through this process and thinking about collective trauma and stress I’ve begun to wonder how many of us are doing this and how many of us are choosing to suffer instead? I am a lucky woman, surrounded by some of the most caring, beautiful people you’ll ever meet. On some level, I see each of them struggling with this. It’s not in a large, overt way but more from a willingness to either give when they do not want to, making concessions for others, or creating problems/solutions outside of themselves. Guilty as charged, we all can do this but we can also all be aware of it.
One of the things I’ve struggled with for a very long time is just fully standing in my own being, doing exactly what I was created to without feeling shame. I’m a talented clinician and businesswoman yet I feel stigma each day for this. A stigma for being strong. Fear is the keeper of this shame and no longer welcome in my life. I cannot be afraid of who I am or what I want. Remember, we’re all divinely born with gifts to give. If I’m scared of who I am, what I want, or what others think of me I’m risking giving my life away. Again, remember; I’m also not willing to be someone else ever again.
Moving on as the Real You
So where do I, do we go from here? We make choices that feel at home with ourselves and honor the talents within us, taking one thing at a time. We really feel our feelings and tend to them the way we do for our children. A common phrase in my head starts with, “Jessie my love…,” when I am hurting. We can also bear witness to harmful behaviors of others, hold them accountable, and refuse to lose ourselves by meeting fear with fear.
It is entirely possible to live a beautiful life, full of hardship and joy at the same time. This is the way; walk through pain, hold it close, honor your worth, and rise above. When you have risen you have the talent and strength to ask those harming others to stop and leave. This creates a more beautiful world for you, your children, and everyone around you.
I believe each of us has a chance to do this every single day on both a large and small scale. Can you be brave enough to walk with me? Can you imagine a world without hate and harm? Where those oppressing us are held accountable and gifted teachers guide us? I dream of it every day.
Walk with me. Lay down what doesn’t serve you. Roots in the grass, wings in the sky. Fly away with me.
Xoxo,
Jessie
Photo credit: Jennifer O’Leary
