by Jessie Cooper | Jun 17, 2020
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written in my imperfect parenting series. The world has been hurting and it turns out so was I. I’m grateful for my own personal struggles and awakening this past week but man it was hard. I’m going to put down perfect (remember I promised I would?) and tell you my real deal.
Sheltering in Place 2.0
A week ago Saturday we were all packed and ready to head to Ohio where my family is. After almost three months at home we decided we could shelter with family verses sheltering by ourselves. In the days prior to the trip I had run a marathon. I’m sure it sounds familiar to a lot of moms. I ordered groceries for the car, a Target pick up, met the dog boarder for Simon, took Simon to the dog boarder, laundry for everyone, bags for everyone but Martin, car activities, iPad charged, extra sunscreen, and a stack of books for me. We got in the car at 7:00 am and I was exhausted. My husband turns to me and goes, “thank you (I pause ready for praise!) for remembering to get gas,” in utter sarcasm. My heart sank as it usually does in these scenarios. I grabbed my laptop and buried myself in our family budget.
Our first stop was my uncle’s Lake House on Lake Erie. Sounds like a dream after 3 months at home. We got to the house and I did potty, diapers, lunches, sunscreen, and swimsuits. I’m already exhausted, remember? The kids get packed up again and we’re off to a secluded section of the beach where my uncle has jet skis. We’re unpacking three kids and one dog (Teddy is too old to board). Henry and Declan are like flies to the light once they see the water. Martin? Jumps on a jet ski and rides away. For a god damn hour and a half. Luckily my cousins were there and saw my panic with my children and the water. They jumped in to help supervise. Me? I was livid. Here I was exhausted after three months feeling like the primary caregiver with the addition of prepping for traveling and my husband was nowhere to be found. I’ve also successfully ran a company and prepared it for some awesome growth forward to serve more people. I wasn’t just physically exhausted on that Saturday, I was mentally done.
Now don’t get me wrong. I understand my husband needed to chill out. He’s also been trapped for 3 months in our home. I’m sure enough women have been through this scenario enough times that it’s easy to blame my husband for his inaction on getting ready for the trip then riding away. Leaving me with the burden of responsibility is equally our responsibility. Let’s dig in.
I’ve often referenced Brene Brown and her amazing work. I hope I’m lucky enough to someday say thank you in person to her; she’s changed my life more times that I can count. Her latest work is a new podcast, “Unlocking Us.” After moving through the tough emotion of feeling very alone about the responsibility I bear at home I needed this. I plugged in “Brene on Anxiety, Calm + Overfunctioning.” For the next 40 minutes I listened to Brene call my bullshit while giving compassion to the anxiety I held during COVID.
COVID-19 and Self-Care
I’ve written to you all many times about self care during COVID. I also personally wrote about over functioning and underfunctioning. I took surface steps (like a bath at night) to calm down my over functioning just to jump out and start my cycle all over again. I was writing these words to you while calling myself awful names (bossy, controlling) and feeling helpless stopping the process of managing our home. It took me actually stepping outside of our home and getting a break with the kids (this came later at my parents house) to see what I was up to.
Going into and during Sheltering in Place I turned on over functioning to volume 100. I was so scared of the virus coming into our home and grieving the life we had before the virus. I was worried about Henry, Declan, and especially Dametrius being new to us. Martin and I were also on a journey to a healthier marriage. And I was also deeply worried prior to the PPA Loan about my employees.
In my work I was and am the luckiest woman in the world; truly. My team honors my heart and leadership. They bring these amazing skill sets and systems to support my vision. Instructional ABA Consultants is a space I no longer over function. God bless my team. Home? No one calls my bullshit and I went to town running this house like a navy ship. My husband is a classic under functioner and slinked away.
When I’m not in a stressful place in life I still struggle with over functioning at home. Like I mentioned before Martin and I are still figuring out what our partnership means to both of us including how that plays out day to day. It’s a journey. A piece of that is that when I get anxious I immediately move to control every outcome and Martin prefers to hide when he’s anxious. We’re a perfect storm. In listening to Brene I saw myself and my husband so clearly. These three months and the visualization of the jet ski’s incident was the message I needed to hear.
Originally when I was going to write about the juggling act I’m guessing I was going to write about putting down your home projects that don’t serve you and find time to be present. On the surface that’s great but if underneath you’re still screaming it won’t serve you (or me). Here’s what I suggest to everyone. Rest. No really, rest. There is no way to come out of over functioning or under functioning if you’re exhausted. Or to even identify if you were doing it to begin with. Very personally I was able to do this through our trip and am now working to call my own bullshit because Martin’s not there yet. In the same sense he can work on saying when he’s overwhelmed versus hiding in the Iphone. We both have work to do but through it we can pick up peace.
The world is hurting right now. Me too. I’m guessing you too. If we can collectively reset and be kind to our body & minds peace is on the way.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jun 2, 2020
Last week, I wrote to you about imperfect parenting. It’s my intention to complete this series. This week it was on my schedule to write, “A Juggling Act; Putting Down Busy & Picking up Peace.” While I still think this is a valuable thing to write about, I’d like to write a personal piece in lieu of current events. I hope in some small way this article serves you but this one I needed to write for me.
Black Lives Matter
Over the course of the last week, we as Americans have watched another tragedy, a murder, take place. George Floyd was an innocent man killed by the hands of a white police officer. It was hate. In relation to this hate, our country is screaming, crying, hurting. The riots are happening to demand change and yet from them, some people are still acting selfishly. The looting and violence do nothing to honor George Floyd but we must remember this ugly behavior is happening to show a pain not healed. Black lives matter.
Blue lives, however, are not all tainted. There are countless good men and women serving us in the police force just doing their part. In the midst of the hurt, you may find yourself taking a side. I beg you, stop. Take a deep breath and open your heart to love. See that the murders cannot continue, the people looting are broken and need your prayers, and change must happen. Do not put another person down. The hate can stop with us. Together we can fight this hate and choose a different way.
In order to find a different way, here is what I implore you to do–look beyond yourself. America and the world would not be in their current states if more people did this. Please, don’t get me wrong; I know there are millions of wonderful people throughout the United States and the world. My concern is that, in some way, selfishness can come for all of us and it can feel overwhelming to make a change that does matter. I do not know all the answers, this I can promise you. What I do know is that if we as Americans were more informed, by making the active choice of informing ourselves, the world could change overnight.
COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter
COVID-19 came to us and fear set in. It’s still here today. The world was asked to stop and in doing so we all had to adjust how we were doing things. We also had to battle the many anxieties the disease brought to each of us. During this time I felt it was a reset for us, for the world. A message from a being greater than all of us to slow down and listen. That the speed and way in which we were living was not sustainable for our planet and good of our race. I’ve seen so many of my friends pick up things they would never have had time for before. Fishing with the kids. Learning to make pancakes. Sewing a new teddy bear. Trying their best to find a way to slow down. It’s beautiful, truly. However, all of my friends hold a similar financial status to me and our basic needs were met.
What about the others? What about the people that, due to COVID, were desperate to get their basic needs met? Or those struggling with domestic violence? Or those dealing with safety in their neighborhoods? My sister Kristen stated, “This pandemic is the closest thing I’ve experienced to being scared for my life and the life of my family–to even leave the house. And it’s not discriminatory or based on anything about me that I can’t change. I’m over it and it’s been 2.5 months. I cannot imagine what it’s like for black communities and other people of color. To live like this their whole lives? It’s bullshit.”
Yes, the world slowed down and from it I believe we were asked to truly look at how we were living and consuming. To me, with evidence from our planet, our current way of life is not sustainable. The riots are telling us something else is also not sustainable; racism and hate. It’s tragic to simply have to write that. I had the police talk with my son Dametrius yesterday because he is bi-racial. You know the speech? “Hands up when you get pulled over, do whatever they say, try to record the situation if this ever happens to you.” My heart was breaking, I was crying. Dametrius? He shook it off. “Yea I already know this, can I go play Fortnite?” How is this acceptable that he lives in a world where this is second nature? Also in one where I can tell you, “you know the speech?”
Consumerism & Selfishness in America
To me, this goes beyond race and class. It goes to the larger problem of, “it’s not me, it’s not my problem”. But this is our problem. All of this matters to me. It matters to me who manufactures my clothing and shoes because I don’t want to wear child labor on my back. It matters to me how animals are raised before slaughter. Prior to COVID, I ate local meat. We are now vegetarian in response to the treatment of immigrant workers in meatpacking plants. Follow Michael Pollen now to understand this more.
Also know meatpacking factories have the highest COVID death rate in the United States and its immigrants that are dying. It’s not OK with me that technicians at the nail salons work 100+ hour weeks using American names. But if we stopped going they wouldn’t have jobs, so what is the balance? It matters to me that people still go to puppy stores and those puppies come from puppy mills. Don’t you see it? The list goes on and on. Everything that matters to me is driven by the dollar? Each dollar that you and I spend fuels hateful industries and also lines the pockets of our elected officials.
Consumerism has a cost. A huge one. Each dollar we spend tells a Corporation or local business, “yes I like what you do/have.” Corporations grow, make more money, and with that money buy out our elected officials; giant corporations are essentially making our decisions for us. And here we are today. With a government not addressing racism or murder, and driving an economy that actively causes harm to others.
I realize I’m most likely not going to be the most popular person for writing this. Like I said before, that’s OK. It’s in my heart and I need to say it. What I’d like to communicate most though is a plea. A plea to see things from the perspective of your brothers and sisters from every walk of life. Change must come.
That change begins with you and me. Pay attention and stop this nonsense of turning a blind eye. Stop buying products that hurt others. Start voting in your local elections. Demand a zero-tolerance policy nationwide to address murders based on race. And offer a helping hand to anyone who needs it. A seed planted that is nourished in love is a fruit that always blossoms. Oh won’t you blossom with me?
From my aching heart,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | May 27, 2020
Last week, I wrote that I’m going to a mini-series on imperfect parenting. Remember when I told you that while toilet training Henry I told him pants were a privilege? This week I’m pretty stoked to share all the immoral things I do to survive mommyhood. Just kidding, I mean, it’s not that immoral.
In becoming a mama, I, like anyone else, had this grand idea of what it would look like and who I would be. I spent 6 months building the perfect nursery off my Pinterest ideas, deciding what outfits were Henry’s “style,” and buying things off my baby spreadsheet. That happened. All of it. It’s hysterical to write now.
When Declan was just about due (3 weeks to delivery) I had turned him from breach and was on rest. I sat around my home and realized I had bought nothing, I’m serious, nothing for him. You know why? Because I co-sleep my babies, breastfeed them, and use cloth diapers. He didn’t need anything. I tell you this because in my dreams of having a baby I thought it came with all this stuff. Once I had a baby I realized it wasn’t the stuff or the picture I created. Being a mom is just like that.
Creating Your Own Mom Values
In being a mom, I, of course, have a list of values, ideas, and dreams that I want for my children. On my best day I’m able to be present and implement small pieces of this. This can look like being super present, playing, reading, cooking, and talking to listen with my children. In my head, every day looks like this. In reality, moments of each day look like this–the rest is up for grabs.
I’m going to tell you some things I do to survive. Don’t judge, we all do them! The first and most important lesson I have learned as a mama is to lie hard. This little lesson came to me when I was teaching Henry to stay in his big boy bed. I would lay him down, he would cry for me to stay and I would gently whisper, “It’s okay mama needs to go potty she’ll be back in 5 minutes.” Henry would feel assured and fall asleep. I never came back, ever. Martin would sit on our stairs and shake his head. What’s worse is I’ve now taught Dametrius and his babysitters to simply tell Henry they are going potty when they lay him down. We are all lying and it’s working.
I also lie almost every morning to Henry. It looks like this; Henry watches a show while I get ready for work (go back and read my post about technology prior to COVID for other parenting fails). I set a timer for 30 minutes and when the TV goes off Henry needs to get dressed. He asks me “Mama can I watch Daniel Tiger downstairs?” I say, “Sure baby, let’s get dressed and brush our teeth.” Henry always pops up and does his routine. We get downstairs and he asks again. You know what I say, “Maybe later.” I also tell Dametrius to do this when he gets Henry ready.
Do you know why I lie to Henry? Because it’s easier, plain and simple. If I told him TV is all done he’s gonna scream and I don’t want to deal with this. Neither does anyone else in our home. I know it’s wrong, I know I should just take a deep breath and say, “No,” but I don’t want to. I want to get my little man dressed without feeling like I’m wrestling an alligator. I won’t lie about the important stuff, promise. But as long as my kids don’t have long term memories I’m using this one.
I suggest using the line “maybe later,” instead of, “No,” I swear it works wonders. “Can I have a popsicle, ice cream, pizza, watch TV, see Grandpa…” The list goes on and on. “Maybe” avoids tears in our home.
Surviving as a Mom
OK, so now you know I lie to survive. I also steal! I told you about a piece of this last week. That in toileting training Henry I would take his prizes every night and put them back in the prize bin. What I didn’t tell you is that in the middle of COVID I realized I was spending my entire day picking up toys.
One item on my pre-baby Pinterest board was wooden toys organized in bins. Almost 3 years later and we are overflowing with plastic toys. After a few glasses of wine one Friday night, I announced to my husband I was becoming a minimalist again. I was one before a husband and kids. Well, more of an imperfect minimalist. Our Amazon delivery driver disagrees but I digress.
On this particular Friday, I told my husband that we never wanted our kids to have so many toys because they don’t appreciate them. So why are we living this way? During naps on Saturday, just like the Grinch, I packed up their toys. Like 75% of them. I put them all in the basement and set a timer for a month. If no one noticed they were gone I was going to donate them. It’s been a month, no one noticed, so those toys are long gone!
There was one tiny T-Rex that I hated and kept putting in the garage donation box that Henry kept rescuing so I finally gave in and stopped stealing that. It actually felt so good to downsize. Now I have to remind myself not to downsize on a daily basis. We picked the toys they have and we now have a one in one out rule again. But man, getting rid of the stuff not only freed up my time it also helped me get realigned with my own values on materialism. On a side note, I’m also doing the 33 challenge and loving it.
A Few More Parenting Tips
I think lying and stealing are the biggies at our home to survive parenting. To give you some smaller ones that I think are helpful I’ll list a few. Bribing is always lovely. If you’d like your child to do something, like come inside without chasing them, I recommend it. We give a lot of chocolate for coming inside vs. chasing. Passing the problem to your partner is a good one. For example, Henry wants a toy to do something very specific, I can’t figure it out, and say “Daddy knows how!” I also recommend making it a pattern to have your partner doing things you don’t want to. Henry likes someone to lay with him after books, so I told him “only daddies do that.” It’s almost a year later and you know who Henry asks to put him to bed every night? Daddy. But hey, maybe that’s because I lied. Who knows?
Parenting is hard work and raising small humans means every day is going to be different. At some point, you just have to do you. If what you choose to do causes no lasting harm to your children sometimes you just have to do what works for you.
I hope reading this brings some joy to all the imperfect parents out there. I’m not perfect, but being naughty can also be a blast (even for parents).
Xoxo,
Jessie
PS
As I write this, Henry is sitting behind me with an empty flask. Don’t worry, we’ve never actually used it… we don’t have anywhere to go!
by Jessie Cooper | May 6, 2020
A phrase I often use is “the bridge back home.” I’m not sure who coined it or if it’s just a phrase that I’ve used so many times it comes from me. What I call the bridge back home is really the way back to myself when I’ve been out of alignment with my authentic self.
Last week I wrote about what lies underneath my own fears and the need to control outcomes. I questioned if my own human experience rings true for others? Do we all engage in behaviors when we fear to avoid feeling the fear? After following the work of the amazing Brene Brown, I think the answer is a resounding yes! We’re human. To have a fear or fears that have transferred over into patterns of behaviors is so real I can touch it. These behaviors can be internal (things we tell ourselves) or external (things we do). Either way, they can make us feel better or worse in the short term and always make us feel worse in the long term. Let me try to explain.
The Only Thing to Fear…
When we are experiencing an emotion that doesn’t feel very good we typically exhibit either high or low energy behaviors. We then have an internal dialogue telling us all the ways we are not good enough. I’m a high energy gal when it comes to external behaviors. High energy looks like overachieving, micromanaging, perfectionism, and the like. Low energy behaviors look like eating high-calorie foods, sitting for long periods of time, lack of exercise, sleeping a lot, and so on. Each of these types of behaviors tells our brains we are anxious, stressed, or depressed. The more we engage in them, the more anxious, stressed, or depressed we become. It’s a loop.
To break the loop there are some really cool things you and I can do. This is what I call the bridge back home. Home is the way to me.
To begin, you need to know there’s no order with fear. Remember, being perfect is part of a loop so it’s going to get us nowhere. I’m going to write some different methods for you to try. I hope some of them resonate with you.
Identify Your Behavior
Identifying if you are in a high or low energy guy/gal is a piece of the bridge back home. What do you do when you don’t feel like you? And what can you do differently? For my high energy behavior readers, the key is to slow down. For my low energy readers, the key is to speed up. A key piece of this is knowing you are out of alignment.
Let’s go there for a minute. When we are out of alignment we engage in our fear-based behaviors. These are anxiety, depression, frustration, bitterness, anger, deep sadness, and the like. If anyone feels these stretches of emotions for more than a few days, I’d go out on a limb and say you’re out of alignment. If they go on for longer than a month I’d recommend reaching out for some clinical support. At the beginning or late stages of fear, a large piece of healing is to notice we are not ourselves. It’s another piece of the bridge.
The next piece of the bridge back home is to do something to realign your energy. This goes back to knowing if you are a high or low energy behavior type. For the high energy behavior types, a big piece of this is creating space in your day. Try to not book things back to back. Find a welcome rest, as well as time for self-care. I can tell you as a high energy person that this shit is hard for me. I have to make an active effort to slow my energy down when I’m in fear. I try to be careful with my schedule, limit my technology use, try meditating, saying “no,” and doing a ‘home spa night.’ When I’m not in alignment I am not doing these things. When I am in alignment I do some of these things each day. Truly. I am careful because once I’m doing too much my fears kick in. Then I’m not my best self. Remember the loop?
If you are a low energy person a key to your bridge is little steps toward doing more and consuming less. This means making small efforts every day to do something active and to tone back things like high-calorie foods and technology (technology is not great for either of us!). If you’ve been stuck in low energy-mode for a while, you cannot expect yourself to run a marathon. But you could take a 15-minute walk outside or jump in a pool for a bit. Moving is key here because the more you slow down less and less serotonin and dopamine are produced by your brain. This is your loop.
Finding the Bridge Back Home
OK, so we’ve got some steps to build the bridge back home. We know to identify that we are not, in fact, ourselves. We know to classify ourselves as high or low energy and some steps to help heal our energy type. What now? Here is the most important piece of information: show yourself some serious love. It is not fun for anyone to be responding to our negative emotions or our operating in fear. It just isn’t. If you spend all your time tearing yourself down you are not showing the world or yourself any kindness. You are imperfect, you do shit that is embarrassing and mean, but you know what? Me frickin’ too!
If I tore myself or others down every time a mistake was made, what help is that? As a mama, I teach my children it is OK to fail. It’s OK to have bad days and act in ways that none of us agree with. Remember my oldest son Henry? He is learning this every day! From there I teach them to vocalize how they feel, give them a huge hug, and we move on. My kids expect the same from me. Seriously!
I can’t stay calm for a solid 24 hours. I just can’t. I’ve got two dogs, three kids, a husband, and a business to run. And I’m human. But when I lose my cool at home I will say, “Mama was mad, it was so noisy, I’m sorry.” We kiss and makeup. And you know what? I do this exact same thing for myself. “Jessie, my love, it’s OK darling. Breath deep. It hurts, but we need to try again.” I parent myself how I want to parent my kids.
I know I said there is no order but this is the key to the bridge: Treat yourself with love and kindness when you fail and get hurt. Then, from that space, stand tall again and come back home.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Apr 22, 2020
Last week in my blog I wrote about compassion and grace. I hope it served you. After identifying my own fears, I realized that so much more was going on behind them. It took guts to accept this followed by a bit of hard work to find what was really behind them.
Let me backtrack for a minute. There is nothing wrong with fear itself. Fear is a very useful instinct and absolutely necessary to survive. Fear tells us when we are in danger(remember, the amazing Tara Brach teaches about this). Fear told us over 10 thousand years ago how to survive; it’s instinctual. The problem with modern-day fear is it often becomes a story we’re making up versus a true danger. Sometimes it’s a little bit of both. So when we go behind our fears we have to sort them. Is the fear real, a story, or a mix? How do you know what type of fear you’re dealing with and what do you do with the fear once it’s named?
Recognizing Fear
Let’s start with the types of fear we deal with as humans. The first is physical fear within our control. This is a lion charging at you, a car that ran the red light, and anything else that could cause you physical pain or death. Our limbic system kicks in when we are dealing with these kinds of fears. Fight, flight, freeze. Our body ramps up to tell us how to respond and protect ourselves. If we have the right resources in that moment of fear (ex: brake pedal for the car coming at you) we can protect ourselves from the threat. This fear is super helpful and protective. However, our other fears like to dress up like physical fear and, in this guise, tell us they too are helpful. Let’s talk about them.
The next type of fear is fear beyond our control. This fear is a threat that comes into our lives that we cannot control. There is no brake pedal for this metaphorical speeding car coming full speed at you. These fears are almost always medical or life-altering in nature. These fears are a cancer diagnosis, heart disease, a baby born too early, divorce, being fired, a house burning down, etc.
These fears present themselves to let us know they are there. We usually have some options available to us to address them, but fears we can’t control often have outcomes we can’t control. When you or a loved one receives a cancer diagnosis, you/they can choose the treatment course with medical guidance. But what we can’t control is how the body will respond.
If you are fired from a job you cannot control working there again, but you can find new options for employment. These fears hurt. They just do. We see them, do what we can, given the resources available, but the outcomes are almost always beyond us. Not being able to control an outcome when a threat is present is hard. COVID-19 falls right into this category.
Rejecting Irrational Fear
This leads to the last type of fear; make-believe fear. This is the sticky, icky fear that we, as humans, create to try and cope with physical fear and fears beyond our control. It’s the story we’re making up and it causes anxiety. Make-believe fear tells us it’s helpful while driving us absolutely crazy at the same time.
As an example, let’s look at sanitizing per COVID-19. The truth is there are good sanitizing measures we can all take to reduce our exposure to COVID-19. A story you may be making up is that you need to sanitize your high touch areas 10 times a day and that if you don’t everyone in your family is going to contract COVID-19. Let’s look at another one. If you are afraid of how you’re parenting during COVID-19 you might tell yourself you are failing terribly. In response to this, you either step it up or scale it back to validate the fear. In both cases, you’re exhausting yourself mentally and putting yourself down. The reality is you can’t control kids being home 24/7 but you can just show up and do the best you can.
Is this making sense? Let’s keep it simple. Each fear we hold that is a story we’ve made up is not helpful or kind. This type of fear convinces us that if we behave a certain way that the fear will magically disappear. But it’s not gone–it’s amplified! The fear is driving the car. To put this fear down for good we have to name it, shine a light on it, and stop engaging in the behaviors associated with this fear. When we stop engaging in the behaviors associated with the fear it always hurts. That hurt sucks but is far kinder than tearing ourselves up in behaviors to avoid outcomes we cannot control. And in that hurt is a truth about what we really, truly need.
Using Fear to Stay Safe
Each story we’re making up is unique to all of us but as humans, it’s usually along the lines of needing love and belonging. To be seen. To be accepted. To be safe. Here’s the thing. We can be safe by identifying real fears versus stories. We can be seen by others once we see and know our authentic selves. Being accepted. That lives in your own heart, not anyone else’s. But when you love and accept yourself you can honor what you need from others.
This is my ask beautiful ones. Take this week to find some of the stories you are making up. Then put down the behaviors surrounding those stories and pick up some behaviors that show yourself some major love. Find a way to take care of yourself and through this, I promise you’ll be able to care for those you love too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
