by Jessie Cooper | Jul 24, 2020
Last week I wrote about a new chapter in life for me. I’m so excited to be able to share this with you as it unfolds. I’ve got a lot to unpack, reveal, and share. This week for my blog I want to take a side step into my work and experience as a mama as we all make decisions for the fall.
This past week has been a collectively hard week for every mama I know. Across our country schools are announcing what they are choosing to do in the midst of COVID. Emotions are high for a variety of reasons. No emotion is invalid and yet for the space of this blog I want to be clear on one thing. If you are in an emotional space where your fear is expressed by lashing out at others this blog is not a space for you today. Unfortunately, I’ve been on too many Mom Groups who have behaved unkindly to each other and teachers because they are operating in fear. We are all afraid at some level. These are new times. I’m asking that my readers take a collective deep breath and hold space for each other’s fears and don’t take those fears out on each other.
Okay. Whew, now that we’ve cleared that up, I’m ready to write. As I’ve said this past week has been a rough one. A lot of what I’m seeing is defeat and despair. We’ve all been collectively navigating COVID since March and I think the true wish is that we would be farther along. I know a lot of people are wishing that all the efforts made during Shelter in Place would have taken us back to a reality closer to pre-COVID. Our truth today is we are not going back, and neither are our children any time soon. That in itself is such a hard pill to swallow.
Now there are a great many valid things to be frustrated about as to why rates of COVID are not contained in the United States. I honor those deeply. However, I don’t believe me listing them will help anyone personally. My reality is, alongside many, that Americans collectively could be making some better choices and those who do not have the ability to make their own choices (think shut in’s in assisted living facilities or our children) could benefit from our better choices. Until we’re able to get to a spot where we are collectively dealing with the virus, we’re left to individually navigate a world with new limitations. It’s scary and sucks plain and simple.
A large part of what I see weighing on the hearts of so many parents is what to do in regard to school this fall. District by district different choices are being announced. The choices so far that I’ve seen are entire remote learning, partial weeks, or full weeks in school with the option to opt out for remote learning. There are vague statements about face coverings and sanitation procedures. What we all want is certainty and I’m sorry to be the one to write this; I don’t think it’s coming. This year is going to be all about making the best decision possible for our own children or grappling with the reality that the decision is beyond our control.
My simplest advice is give yourself and your friends grace
So, what can you do? What choice can you make for your children in a pandemic? I wish I could tell you the best answer, to give you that certainty but I can’t. I don’t have this for me. I can give you my advice, the best I have today as a mama and educator myself. My simplest advice is give yourself and your friends grace. To realize we are all in this together do the best we can. My next advice, if it’s at all possible for you, is to choose the education plan that creates the least amount of change for your child. I say if this is possible because there are many families who have no choice in this. There are schools that are announcing all e-learning regardless and families who have to send their children to school because they are working. If the choice is beyond your control, then focus on what you can control. And, for the families that will financially suffer through this, I am so sorry. I wish this was not the case for you. I realize I’m incredibly lucky to be able to choose what I want for Dametrius this fall because he’s an older child and I can still work if he does e-learning. I’m also lucky because if he were younger I could afford extra childcare. I know this is my privilege.
Ok, so back to choosing the least amount of change for your child if that’s possible for your family. I believe that in coming out of Shelter in Place what we hoped for was some normalcy following the restrictions. Currently that isn’t happening and so our nervous systems are overloaded with the ever changing information and choices. It’s wreaking havoc on all of us. I literally just told my husband he couldn’t ask me to do things today because I’m overloaded, then I asked him to cook dinner. Martin responded, “so I can’t ask you anything but you can ask me?” I paused, then a deep sigh, “yes that’s exactly what I’m saying & I have therapy at noon.” God love him.
If we chose an education plan for our children that would remain the same regardless of restrictions ever changing, we can eliminate this nervous system overload (hello anxiety) and create some calm. By choosing a schedule that you will least likely have to change for your child you can eliminate some nervous system overload for your whole family.
Keeping children with ASD in mind
I also want to take a moment and speak for children with autism. Because, you see, constant change is harder than it is for neurotypical children. My recommendation to create a stable schedule triples when it comes to children with autism. The ups and downs of every changing schedule is a ton for them to process. If you are a parent of a child with autism I would strongly recommend to rely on therapy schedules and clinic settings as the primary structure for your children. We are ramping up our own programs in Castle Rock, Naperville, and opening up a South Side Chicago location this fall to address this need. These won’t change in the midst of COVID and will provide a wonderful way for your children to continue to have structure, socialization, and make progress. This was true prior to COVID but even more so now I think these clinic structures are important.
Okay, so now we’re gone through the choices. The limited ones we have. You’ve heard my recommendation to limit changes the best you can. Now what? Grace, grace, grace. These are not easy times. Collectively and individually we are all grieving. Downplaying what is individually hard for you does nothing to help us all through 2020. Remember I wrote about this before? Personally I’m incredibly upset that Dametrius won’t be going in person to high school. He is a beautiful person, new to our family, and I want nothing more than for him to make new friends and play football on Friday night. It’s not coming. I’m going to need to grieve this. Henry will not be making new friends, he’s stuck with us. I’m grieving this too. Declan, well, he’s 16 months (today!) and for that I’m thankful.
All individual fear big and small matter. Make the decision best for your family, give your great big heart a hug, and feel those feelings. Then call someone making a choice different than you and let them feel those feelings too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 17, 2020
In closing the last series I felt a sense of peace. Since March, like many of you, I’ve been struggling to sort out what’s happening in my mind and heart as well as process what is going on in the world. In Brene Brown’s podcast she mentioned that anyone who doesn’t answer, “how are you” with, “it’s complicated,” isn’t being honest. We are all collectively living in a time where we are scared, anxious, mourning and the like. Yet through our pain we are also offered the opportunity to heal. At least, I believe this to be true.
Prior to March this year I was still in a place where I believed negative emotions were something to be ashamed of and avoided like the plague. That I should just, “be happy.” While I was honest with honoring my own story, I wasn’t seeing pain as my messenger. I was just trying to make sure it didn’t happen again. I don’t know if this is true for other survivors but it is true for me. I’m very hypervigilant and can get overwhelmed by a lot of stress or noise in my environment. Each time I have a bad day I sit in my own head and wonder how I could do better and from that not experience negative emotions. I think we’re all taught this to an extent. If you don’t feel “happy,” the pharmaceutical giants are more than eager to write you a prescription. Now please don’t get me wrong, medication can be a wonderful thing for people who need it. I needed it during my postpartum depression. What I’m saying is that the messaging to be happy is very loud in our society.
One night during April I crashed. I sat in a bath crying to the sky. I couldn’t think my way into a happier day and declared, “what do you want from me?!” to who I believe to be God our Mother. Relief immediately set in. I felt so deeply that what was wanted was for me to feel. Feelings are meant to be felt. They are messengers telling us what is and isn’t Ok with us and our world. They aren’t meant to be silenced or problem solved away. I got it. No more planning to be happy, plan to live fully.
After realizing that my emotions were meant to be felt I’ve shifted into a very raw space. I’m being honest with you because I’m honored you log in every week and read what’s in my heart. I hope it serves you the way it serves me. From my rawness I’ve pretty well sat in vulnerability daily. It feels like being a walking bruise, no kidding. I’ve decided to give kindness to each wave of negative emotions, celebrate joy, and to live authentically from here on out. I know I’ve got a lot to learn about who I am, what I have to give, and what I want to share. I also know I’ve never been this excited or humbled in my life. I’m making every decision from my guide within.
In listening always to my inner guide I don’t know who I will find. Who will you find if you do the same? To me there is a lot of environmental conditioning and years of learning how to be in our society. I want to find my truth without that noise and in the same way I want you to find yours. I feel that if all of us took the time to lean in and find out who we were before the world told us who to be, our existence would change overnight. We could find our joy. We could listen to the pain of the world, hear it’s story, and provide guidance. I don’t know about you but I can’t hear when I’m not me.
Forging Ahead
Here is my promise to you. I promise to dig in and find me. To share my story as I undercover the conditioning that made me and the strength I hold beneath it all. From my strength I want to change the experience of children with autism. I want to eradicate gender norms. To be the badass woman in business I am. Just publicly now. I want to live largely and freely. In sharing my story I want to shine a light on your strength too. Who are you? What do you want? What’s holding you back?
I’m changing the narrative. I’m going to begin writing for those who are on a path to healing. For those who know pain. For our children. For the lost. For those who are willing to show up with an open or curious heart. So that all of us know we are enough, can raise our children to know their worth, and live freely. Because collectively, if we do this, we can change the world.
Yes baby, you are enough. I’m oh so glad you’re here.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jul 9, 2020
Over the course of the last month and a half I’ve written to you all about imperfect parenting. Honestly COVID-19 has been a do or die for me. Prior to COVID-19 I was spending too much time on the seesaw of authenticity and perfection. It was exhausting. Since I’ve been home I’ve written to you about lying and stealing, putting down busy and picking up peace, understanding anger, and daddys. Yep, that’s it. That explains my COVID experience in a nutshell. Blog done. Just kidding. Today I want to end the series with a small essay on embracing authenticity.
Parenting Memos Are Shifting
Currently I’m reading “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle. She says everything better than I’m going to but please let me try (also please read this book)! One of her chapters writes about parenting memo’s. In the 1950’s the memo was birth your baby then make sure they are seen and not heard. In the 1980’s the memo was birth your baby and continue on with wine spritzers and cigarettes. Fast forward and today our memo is birth your baby, then engross yourself with their every waking moment, and even in doing that you’re failing.
It’s a rat race. We are all losing. I remember when I had Henry I felt overwhelmed by him. Now a big piece of that was my own postpartum depression but another piece of that was feeling that I had all the scholarly knowledge in the world and could not keep up with the Joneses. There was/still-is so much societal pressure to be a perfect mama. But who are they? That stupid Jones family? Why the hell are we all trying to keep up? Personally I’m done.
In being home with my children since mid-March I was given gifts I will always be grateful for. The first gift is that by stepping into Shelter-in-Place I could not keep up my pace as perfect mama and authentic mama simultaneously. That struggle had to stop. The second gift was I was able to step away from the noise of society to think about what I truly wanted for my children and myself. My new reality was surrender. And when I thought I’d surrendered, I surrendered more. Through not having a society to keep up with or standards to measure myself against I was able to show up. Truly show up.
Here’s what I learned
The day-to-day decisions and rules I made for myself and the children didn’t matter. Really. How many grams of sugar consumed, screens seen, or books read did not make or break my children. Furthermore the “social” environments (music class, swim class, story time, etc) that I was beginning to run them around to also did not matter. Also, for me, social standards don’t really matter either. I’ve got some really wonderful core friendships and if I never see a cocktail party again I’m good. Really. In sheltering without my own “rules,” I found my children have natural interests. I knew this prior to sheltering, but only honored it when I wasn’t trying to be a perfect mama. This looked like observing them on a prairie path vs. structured art time. Sheltering took me into observation mode daily as I surrendered. My children know what they want to do and what they are curious about every minute of every day. I don’t need to create this for them.
In our home what matters is being seen and loved for who we are; my children, my husband, and myself. It’s my job now to honor who I am and be a model for showing up as myself. Not showing up as I’m told to be. By doing this I’m allowing my children to show up for who they are supposed to be.
I do not know what this looks like yet beyond messy. I know we’ll have to say, “no,” to a lot of old, “yeses.” I know I’ll continue the good fight to raise my children closer to nature than technology. I know that before I discipline I’ll seek to understand. And I know that I’m here to listen to my own soul so my children can listen to theirs. What we find on the other side of this journey is unknown. But us Topalov’s? We’re going to live fully.
My hope is that you and your family live fully too. Collectively, that we can all say goodbye to the rules that tamed us and show up for our authentic lives. That through this authenticity we can in fact bring healing, joy and a new future to our children and thus the world.
New birth memo: birth your baby, love them with your whole heart, let them fly and let them fall, while flying freely yourself.
Xoxo,
Jessie
