by Jessie Cooper | Mar 8, 2021
This weekend was a quiet one without my boys. I earned something on Audible called a “Weekend Warrior,” which I guess means I’ve listened long enough to be a warrior by their definition. The book I can’t stop listening to is “The Choice,” by Dr. Edith Eger, who, among other things, is a survivor of Auschwitz. While her tale is haunting, her perspective holds the key to our humanity. The key to joy.
Early in the book Dr. Eger shares a scene at Auschwitz when the Nazi’s had stripped the women and shaved their heads prior to giving uniforms. These women stood naked and bald for hours waiting. Dr. Eger’s sister Magda, known for her beauty in their town before the concentration camp, stood next to her, and asked “how do I look?”. Dr. Eger had a choice to make. She could shatter her sister and tell her she looked like a mangy dog or she could tell her the one truth she saw outside of this. “Your eyes,” Dr. Eger murmured, “they are beautiful. I never noticed them with all that hair.” Magda closed her eyes. “Thank you,” she murmured back. That my friends is the choice. That my friends is joy.
Defining Truth
We all have a choice in front of us at any given moment. We can choose to see the negative; we can choose to let the pains of the world swallow us. To be lost. We can choose to believe that the horrible things that happen to us or the words people say to us. Or that the messages pushed down our throats by society should be taken as gospel. This is not true. Yes, it happens to all of us, but it does not define us. We can define ourselves by choosing joy and beauty. By following the truth.
What of Dr. Eger’s truth you say? She went through a hell that no human should ever have to experience. Dr. Eger was forced into the worst situation possible but just because something is real does not mean it is true. It was real that the Nazis abused, murdered, and tortured millions of people but it is not true that the people they abused were less and deserved it. Take this little sentence and apply it anywhere. I promise you will be free.
Let’s think about this together. It is real that children are starving. It is not true that they should be. It is real that women are raped, it is not true that they ‘deserved it.’ It is real that transgender people have a suicide rate above all other people, it is not true that their life holds less value. It is real that black people are suppressed and murdered by white police, it is not true that they are less and deserve such treatment. It is real that women are taught to be polite, small and sexy, it is not true that our identity lies in these labels. It is real that men are appropriately taught to ignore their feelings and man up, it is not true that their feelings do not matter or make them weak. These are all examples of issues we face every day that hide the truth in generations old sexist, racist, or prejudiced societal narratives.
It is real that bad things happen to each and every one of us, it is not true any of us are inherently bad and deserve these things. Even if you have done unspeakable things, you have a choice to offer yourself compassion, show mercy, beg for forgiveness, and go back to what is true. If you are a person that has been the victim of real, unspeakable acts, you can also offer yourself these things and find what is true.
Finding Authentic Joy
Don’t you see? Can’t you feel it? Joy is our birthright. It’s not lost in wall street, in bodies carved from money to follow societal norms, in gender roles, sexual preference, skin color, the size of your wallet, or how you have walked so far during your time on earth. If you choose to believe any of this, as Dr. Eger writes, you are lost in the prison of your mind. Dr. Eger reminds us that while she was a prisoner of war, she was more free than any Nazi. She knew joy, she knew her worth, and knew she was not lost.
If a woman who has been stripped, shaved, starved, near raped, and lost her parents and former life to the chambers of Auschwitz can choose her sister’s blue eyes and hold them as joy, we can all find these tiny angels. They are sparkling through the world to remind us that only love is real. I have not been through half the hell of Dr. Eger’s life. I have walked through my own pain and the false belief that because bad things happened to me that somehow I somehow deserved them. I walked through losing the life I wanted to choose. I wrote to you months ago in the middle of my grief about the light in the forest, but didn’t know exactly what I was writing about. I now know I was writing about joy.
You see joy is the candle that tells us. Our world offers beauty, kindness, and grace. It comes to us in a child’s laugh, a dog wagging her tail at the door, a cup of coffee with a friend. As I walked through my own hell this past fall this is what I sought out every day. I was looking for Magda’s blue eyes. I was looking for what was true while what was real attempted to swallow me. The truth has set me free. Joy has reminded me of the possibility of being human. That regardless of the pain that may come in our lives we can all choose joy.
Choosing Joy
In choosing truth we can ask those who challenge our worth to leave. We can hold abusers and those lost in greed accountable and end damaging relationships. We can stop wars and bring water to the millions of mouths that still need it. To have this strength, we must first fill our own hearts with true joy. That’s the gasoline that will set the world ablaze with a new kind of life. A life where joy is offered for all.
One life at a time. Follow me, follow joy. Choose again. Joy is your birthright, and it’s all around you every day. Put down the lists, labels, and judgement. Shed the hate. Choose love. Choose Joy.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Mar 1, 2021
In closing out my last series about struggle, grief, and, and strength I intentionally wanted to write about authentic joy. I wanted to experience and provide an example about how joy can be found anywhere and anytime. Even through hard times. I know that joy is our birthright, I tell this to my sons through my journals all the time. Yet, when it comes to myself, I struggle to honor that truth.
Planning for Authentic Joy
This weekend I did what any recovering over functioning person would do; I crafted the perfect “joy!” day followed by my plans crashing and burning. Over the weekend I kept thinking, “I can make this so much better, I can do joy.” I did everything I could. I invited my sister and her girls over to make homemade pizzas in the middle of the farm yard then did clean up on the first warm day. Warm weather, sweet cousins, boys running, my dad… Perfect right? So much joy to tell you about! But did I mention that between my sister and I we have four children 3 and under? They are very cute but have minds all their own and fast little feet.
Henry wanted to be outside badly with Grandpa and Dametrius but Grandpa was working and couldn’t watch the kids. Declan has figured out his legs are long enough to drive the dinosaur jeep but hasn’t figured out how to steer the dinosaur jeep. My sister brought the girls in their glitter shoes. Gracie was wearing a white shirt. Mud was everywhere. My sister and I tried to get the kids to play inside, which totally didn’t happen. First warm day, remember? So we ended up chasing four children through the mud until I broke down and said, “who wants to watch TV while Aunt Jessie makes pizza?” We sat their little butts down, I still made pizza (perfect day remember?) and then my sister and I crashed. The kids might have had a joyful day, the grownups did not. This is not authentic joy, it’s the Kool Aid we’ve all been drinking.
I was upset with myself for a bit because I know better. I know not to get into perfect planning, I know I can’t juggle a ton right now, and I know how the day looks isn’t as important as how it feels. Yet I’m a woman who was recovering from human-giver syndrome (read Burnout to learn more) and went into default mode. I could have beat myself up, but instead gave myself grace. I took some deep breaths, started a new show on Netflix, and decided to have a reset Sunday. That’s when I got back to real joy.
What is Authentic Joy?
So what is authentic joy and why is it so hard to come by? Authentic joy lives inside of us, it’s what makes us all uniquely happy. Just like the worth we are all born with, joy is inside each of us, not where society tells us. My children show me authentic joy every single day. They find what brings them laughter and go after it with no regard for ‘what people think of them.’ I want this for them. Always. No matter how weird it is (Declan….). But now, at 34 years old, I want this for me too. I wish I had always wanted it but there is no use going back. Moving forward into joy is the only way.
Every year at New Years I write myself a letter with my dreams for the new year and gratitude for the past year. I then leave the letter under a jar for and don’t touch it for the next 12 months. This year I decided my dream for myself was to be selfish. I haven’t been selfish, not ever. I have always been willing to give up what I want and have for someone else. While there is an absolute time for selflessness, that time can’t be all the time. For me for it was. I know a lot of women and some men who struggle with the same. So my question to myself were along the lines of “will I be less selfless if I’m selfish?” I was curious but also in deep need of self-love and care.
I want to pause for a minute and speak to my readers. If you are a person who has deep wants but believes it’s OK to take from others or hurt others this message is not for you. You are being selfish to gain for yourself at the cost of someone else, something that is never OK. For everyone else, we need you to be selfish because through your reclaiming of joy those hurting you or others will be held accountable.
Selfishness, Selflessness, & Authentic Joy
OK, so back to authentic joy and being selfish. What does that look like for me? For you? A hell of a lot of deconditioning that’s what.
We are all inundated from a young age about who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to look like, and what things make us “perfect.” That’s the Kool Aid we are all forced to drink. Then, when we aren’t able to live up to these impossibly high standards, we experience shame telling us we’re not good enough. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s also a lie. This is hard to process. I know because I’m basically asking you to question everything. But that is the point! I want you to be the one who makes the calls on your own life and joy. Not the world. Not society. I want you to look inside yourself and fall in love. To breathe deeply into your own lungs and exhale joy. To live unapologetically.
So, how do you do this? How do I? We need look no further than our own hearts and listen. That’s it. On any given day we have the chance to choose. To close our eyes, breathe in, and ask ourselves if we’re happy. If the answer is yes, rock on! If the answer is no, question it. If the answer is yes but it’s because I bought these super cool leggings for the gym to fit in with everyone, question that too. If the answer is yes because I bought these super cool leggings and omg they are so comfy, rock on!
It is not bad to want for yourself, to be thirsty, to have desires. It is human. Yet from our spirits we must navigate our desires and ask ourselves if our desires fill our own heart or if they hurt others and/or ourselves. I don’t know about you but I am parched. The Kool-Aid we’ve all been drinking for years isn’t the hydration any of us need. I have a deep thirst for my life and am ready to quench it. Not on the backs of anyone, and straight from my own heart.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 24, 2021
I don’t know if this is true for anyone else who has a sister but my sister is part of me and I’m part of her. I can’t explain it but we know each other in our bones. I could spend literal days with her and still get annoyed she hasn’t texted me back within five minutes of leaving. She’s my person and I’m hers.
Last night, I was struggling to see myself. To be honest I feel like I always struggle to see myself, but last night everything kind of hit me at once. I literally have no idea how I come across to anyone in conversations or interactions. I never have. Soon I found myself picking up the phone to call my sister. I knew she would be honest with me, brutally if needed.
At first she was surprised to hear I don’t know how people see me. I was surprised she didn’t know this because she knows what I eat for breakfast every day, how much sleep I get–pretty much everything. I asked her why I felt like others met me with resistance and judgement when I shared my voice with them. Her response was everything I needed to hear. She told me, “you are a strong woman and that scares people. You won’t conform and that makes people uncomfortable.” Holy shit. That’s it.
Finding Your Strength
I often explain to family and friends that I have always felt I’m outside of the world looking in. Honestly, a big part of this is being a researcher, introvert, and visionary. If I only ever talked to the people I loved and never met a new human being I would be a very happy woman. I had a million fears when we went into lockdown last spring during the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic but staying home was not one of them.
I’m often deep in thought of what brings me joy and what I think the world needs. At the same time, however, I don’t give a lot of thought to how I come across. But I’m also human and when I’m in social situations, work relationships, and non-intimate personal relationships I’m quite aware I’m on the outside. Take a hometown football game, for example. If I’m at a game and a circle of other moms my age are sitting as far away as possible, I’m not bothered at all. This is nothing against anyone. I’m happy by myself and would feel exhausted having to make small talk. But if I think bigger, like when I need to advocate for myself or my beliefs and am met with resistance or judgement, this is what bothers me. I thought there was no clue why this is. Hence the phone call to my sister.
After the call I took her answer and mulled it over deep within my core and knew it was true. I am a woman who won’t bend. I stand on my own and refuse to make myself small for anyone. This makes the world uncomfortable because I am a woman not bending. My small, sacred circle of friends and family? They give zero shits that I am true to myself and respect me for honoring myself and my worth.
My sister and I spent hours talking about my dilemma. I was stuck. I am a good woman who wakes up daily wanting a better world for others. I want it for myself, my sons, my sacred circle and every human being. I spend time each day in gratitude seeking authentic joy. My happiest place in the world is my basement couch across from the playroom. In the mornings, when I have the boys, I sip my coffee with a book for me and a stack for them. They buzz around me, flittering between reading with me and playing. At night, after dinner, Dametrius joins us in the basement and my boys snuggle, wrestle, and Declan brings us all “tea.” It’s bliss and nothing in the world brings me closer to God. She’s right there.
Perceiving the Good in Ourselves
So how then, when I perceive myself to be a generally good person soaking in the tiny joys of the world to build a better one, do I get painted as someone to fear? The belief system of the patriarchy we live in. That’s why. I am a woman with a strong voice in a world where women are supposed to be quiet. This past fall, when my divorce situation was still new, I was walking the pasture wailing to the sky, screaming “why me? Because I’m a woman with a voice?” Among other things, yes. The path for women with visions is hard and It’s fucking bullshit.
My friend Dana has a daughter named Kahlan. Kahlan is incredibly bright and bold. She’s unapologetic about her worth and comfortable with it. During the pandemic, Kahlan became so frustrated with the disorganization of online learning that she began providing feedback to her teachers at their request to streamline the programs. When a mistake is made Kahlan shoots off an email, “I should not have to be writing this email but…” She’s 13. Kahlan reminds me of myself before the world told me to be small.
Dana often doesn’t know what to do with her fierce daughter and rightfully so. Ask my parents if they knew (or even know) what to do with me. Nope! But here is my wish for Kahlan, my nieces, my darling Olga, every woman alive, and myself. Do not make yourself small. Take up space and use it. Shout to the world, show your worth, and if you’re too strong for someone that’s their problem not yours.
When I thought more about the issue of being small I felt grace for others. Forgiveness, if you will. You see, for thousands of years strength was the masculine feature valued above all others. When a man flexes his muscles it is to show others he can dominate them. I have no time, nor interest in this. To my knowledge no woman or girl I know does either. We’re not showing our strength to put you in your place. We’re showing our strength because it’s who we are and through it we can honor ourselves and the world.
Moving Forward with Value and Compassion
I’ve spent my whole life feeling this way. Strong and judged for being strong. My strength? It is mine to hone and through it my life is full and the world served. There’s nothing scary here, unless a woman with a voice scares you. So I ask you this: Too strong for who?
My answer? Too strong for no one, my strength is not harmful but it is powerful. So is the strength of your daughters and your strength to teach your sons to value power with, not power over. To build a world where strength is used is to build a society where we all thrive and power is no longer misused.
I challenge you this; Ladies, look at all your strength and ways you have held it in. Ask yourself, “too strong for who?” hashtag it. Blow me up. Start a storm. Stand up. We don’t have time to just sit still and look pretty.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 1, 2021
Over the past two weeks, I’ve been writing to you about looking underneath the leaves of our psyche and how to slowly start overturning each leaf. As I lift my own leaves I’m reminded of my own worth and humanity. If you’ve been following me you may be thinking, “wait a second, I thought the leaves were our dark parts, how did you find self-worth under them?” I’ll tell you.
Finding Self-Worth
You see, as humans, we are all torn between two realities. In the spiritual world, this is often called the light and dark, good and evil, and so on. Whether you are spiritual or not I believe you can break this down by choosing to show up as you were created to show. You can also respond to the pain of the world and hold it as truth. The way we find ourselves is by really taking a good hard look and accepting what is there. If you know there is worth at your core, worth that could bring you endless joy, wouldn’t you want to look?
That is where bravery comes in and if we are operating from a place that does not feel like ourselves it’s time to make a change. The scary part is that when we are willing to look at any single thing keeping us from our true selves we know we are facing loss. There’s this piece of the bible (not to get all spiritual twice now…) about not serving more than one God. I wrote last week about the different things that can keep me from me, so not serving more than one God rang close to home. But to me, God isn’t high in the sky. She is deep in my core. She is me. When I do things in the world as though they have a higher value than me I’m lost. Knowing that my one truth is to never abandon myself again I have to be willing to lose things of the earth if the cost of keeping them is me.
So, how do we know if what we’re serving is working towards our highest good? We need to ask the questions “are we making the best choices for ourselves?” and “are those choices bringing us closer to or farther away from ourselves?”
Working Towards Our Best Selves
For me, it’s twofold. I believe that in our truest form we cannot inflict pain on ourselves or another. That we are all innately good. This is the first piece and hard as hell to learn. Because if we are all innately good, then we need to practice the principles of, “do no harm,” or “not to me, not to you, not to anyone”? This is how I navigate all of my decisions and I believe if we all did this the world would radically change overnight. I know it. In being committed to doing no harm to myself it means I have to honor myself and am unwilling to attack my sisters and brothers who walk this world with me.
Now, please don’t get me wrong. There is absolute evil in this world and not one of us would survive running around with free hugs and forgiveness all of the time. That shit does not work. Holding people accountable for their damaging behaviors and refusing to damage them in return; that shit does work. My sister made a cross-stitch for me for my birthday this past weekend that reads “do no harm, take no shit.” Yep, that’s it. That sums it up. We can absolutely stand up for ourselves and our desires without hurting anyone.
If saying your own truth creates a loss of a relationship, job, opportunity, or the like you aren’t hurting anyone. You are setting a boundary to say what you need and want. If who you are setting the boundary with accepts you they are part of your tribe. If they don’t, they’re not. Plain and simple. This is where loss comes in. In this part of knowing our true form, we have to believe our wants and desires are worth losing almost everything for, so we may then gain everything.
Weighing Our Beliefs and Desires
The second part is incredibly important here; all of our wants and desires need to be measured against, “does this cause pain, anywhere?” This is how we can come to know if our choices are in line with that deep knowing within ourselves because deep inside of us is a God. She would not cause harm (think back to the last section). So, as we’re navigating through coming home to ourselves and examining what really sets us on fire and makes us uniquely joyful we can know if we’ve chosen based on what’s within us versus what we’re being told.
Let me give some examples of this because it’s pretty hard to grasp. For example, say I tell you what makes me wildly happy is fur. I think fur is fabulous or I love the Kardashians, I’m in it to win it with fur! I put myself out there and say, “world this is me! Love me as I am!” You have an absolute right to call my bullshit and I should call my own too because wearing fur literally hurts (or kills) the creature it came from! This is a dramatic example of choosing wisely about what we think makes us uniquely happy.
On a simpler note, I could say drinking wine is totally me but when I drink I feel fuzzy and like I’m doing it to just fit in. I could say I’m wearing a certain outfit to make more friends. I could give an example of restricting calories to hit a goal weight when I’m really fucking hungry most of the time. All of these are the false idols, the many Gods if you will.
If we expand this thought of worshipping false idols further we become tainted and begin attacking ourselves or each other. The attacks on ourselves may be subtle, or you may have an inner monologue that is so nasty you would have no friends if you spoke your thoughts out loud. The attacks on our bodies and minds come from filling them with content and people that keep us from being home to ourselves. In frustration and out of alignment, we then attack the world by lashing out at others to let them know they are separate from us and therefore less than us. It’s vicious, it’s awful, and it’s everywhere. It also couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Following the Real You
Following these two guiding principles to take us home and “do no harm,” enables us to truly know if the choices we are making are for our true selves and if we are choosing them, are real. Because what is real will cause no harm. You can show up gloriously and easily ask for all you desire for your life and hurt no one, starting with yourself.
In Untamed, Glennon writes about a warm golden feeling she has when she accesses her knowing. Glennon talks about the quiet space beneath the noise of the world that is her holy space. I know this space too. It is inside of me and I know it’s inside of you. To find it you must be willing to go there, find yourself, and pull her back to life.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 25, 2021
So what else is there? What else is Beneath the leaves? This is a question I believe we will all be asking ourselves our entire lives as we navigate from our ego to our knowing and back again. The ego is the part of us that is afraid–the shadows under the leaves. The fear and belief from the ego lurk within us until we overturn each leaf one by one.
As we overturn each leaf, we either learn things we do not like about ourselves or feel feelings that hurt. This is why so many of us stay lost. It’s easier to shove things down and move on. It also drains the life out of us.
Facing Fear
Walking into our fears and wounds takes incredible bravery. It is not ordinary for a person to wake up and decide to intentionally feel pain. I want this for you; the choice to wake up and decide. This past fall a choice I wanted to make for myself was made for me. The pain came with it. I wish I had been brave enough to make the choice for myself, yet I am so grateful for the universe, God, or whomever you shall call her making it for me. I then had my own choice to make. Run and hide or feel it all. I leaned into the pain and found that it hurts but the reality of hiding would have stolen my life from me.
How many of us are hiding? I read this wonderful little book for my sons, ‘The First Book of Feminism,” and at the end, there is a tree. The little girls are all pulling each other up and it reads, “our job is to remember the women who came before us and pull those up behind us until all women are free.” I change the words and say, “people,” because all people deserve to be free. Free of abuse, trauma, neglect, hunger, pain, and the feeling you don’t have a choice to change your situation.
Yet there is so much in this world that is unavoidable that causes pain. We need to fix the problems we can to have the skills we need to navigate the pain we cannot avoid. Then, once we have fixed what hurts in us and learned how to navigate our own pain, we help others. When we are in pain others will then reach back and help us. It’s a cycle, the good kind.
Learning to Deal with Fear
How do we do this? How do we feel it all and survive it? One step at a damn time, that’s how.
At the core of taking these steps has to be the deep-rooted belief that you are enough and worthy. That there is absolutely nothing in the world that can make you more or less worthy. Not a purchase, not a status, not a salary, not a relationship, not what others think of you; nothing. You are not broken, you are gorgeously whole. But if you are chasing the wrong dreams the world will let you know it through your suffering.
How do you know you are on the wrong path? Ask yourself this, “Do I feel like me? Is this what I want to do?” Then really listen to yourself. I am not talking about trying on an outfit and asking yourself, “Is this me?” I am talking about really digging into your gut and taking a hard look in the mirror and asking yourself if you are at home with you. If the answer is yes, rock on, and please teach us because we need you. If the answer is “no” or “I don’t know,” commit to yourself today to be you. Start overturning the leaves, the dark shadows, and learn to feel.
Taking a Real Look at Yourself
It is much easier to numb out and stay away from our feelings. I am an excellent online shopper, ice cream eater, workaholic, and stress cleaner. I used to be a great wine drinker too. I know how to avoid my feelings easily and I know point-blank when I am lost. If you are moving through your world to keep yourself occupied and comfortable stop. Really, stop. It’s killing the brightness inside of you.
Make a list, take an inventory, and as you step into a fresh day ask yourself what hurts and why? Why am I drinking? Why am I eating? Why am I online? Who am I trying to impress? Asking ourselves why we do what we do and if we like it creates a space once we stop doing it. That space is boredom and discomfort and opens us up to ask ourselves the hard questions and begin to feel. We need this space void of the world’s impressions to make our own.
This sacred space of discomfort is where we begin to be made whole because it is where we shed what does not serve us. We just have to be brave enough to go there and get to know the person inside of the hurt. This past fall my son Henry was brushing his teeth and said these words to me:
“Mama you are brave.”
“Brave Hen?”
“Yea, you’re just a person.”
My little prophet. I am just a person and so are you. A person who deserves to live the life you were born to live so the world can be a more kind, just, loving place. Know your worth, give your gifts.
Xoxo,
Jessie
Photo credit: Jennifer O’Leary
