by Jessie Cooper | Mar 3, 2020
Growing up, my parents were very structured and very strict. From a child’s perspective, I had a laundry list of things I did not agree with and regularly challenged (sorry Mom and Dad!). I can still relate to ways in which I was raised that still don’t resonate with me as an adult. This is not to say my parents were bad people, we just had very different perspectives.
That being said, one thing I thought was a top injustice of my childhood was my limited TV exposure. I know I felt on the outside when it came to what other children my age were allowed to watch, both in content and length. Now, as an adult, I’ll humbly admit “Mom & Dad you were right.” I do not believe in exposure to TV before age two and believe in continuing to control exposure through all of childhood. This is my belief as a researcher and a mama.
Limiting Exposure to TV During Childhood
So, why do I have such a strong belief in monitoring exposure to televsion? Why do I feel so strongly about not want my children exposed to television at an early age? Why do I want TV used with control and boundaries as my children grow up (Dametrious can tell you how unfair his screen time limit is!)?
I believe, and research supports my belief, that the use of technology in children under the age of two has a direct negative impact on language development. Per Welcome to Your Child’s Brain; “U.S. babies of seven to sixteen months who spend more time in front of the screen know fewer words. Two or more hours per day of screen time before the first birthday is associated with a sixfold increase in the risk of language delay. Even Sesame Street Viewing by babies correlates with language delay, though this program has lasting beneficial effects on three-to-five years olds.”
To elaborate, repeated exposure to technology builds new neural pathways in our brains teaching them to look for instant responses at a speed the natural world cannot keep up with. This can enhance symptoms of ADHD and autism, create antisocial behavior, and start an addictive engagement with technology. In sum, technology is built to teach us to engage with it and not the world around us.
Raising Children with Little or No Screen Time
For these reasons, I choose and teach to limit technology with all children, my own included. I know reading this might trigger some mom guilt. Trust me, I feel it too! This is why I think it’s important to talk about children and screen time.
As a working mom of young children, there is chaos at my house at any given moment. There are times every day where I feel I’d just like an easy out. An out that makes my children sit quietly so I can do, well, anything. TV is a huge temptation to use as a pacification tool. For me, however, the “sit and zone out” quiet time TV provides is not worth the cost on a daily basis.
When children are in front of a screen they are not interacting with their social world, period. This means that all their beautiful, developing synapses, synapses only available to them for their first three years of life, are going unused. When a TV or screen is on my children are not learning and many critical social and lingual milestones may be delayed. As their mama, knowing what I do, I just can’t stand in the way of my children when it comes to development.
Substitutions for Screen Time
So, my opinion is that any lengthy screen time is not an option for young children. What do I do to distract my children in stressful situations? First I have to tell you that limiting or eliminating screen time is definitely a lifestyle choice. Not using screen time as a tool means I have a lot of messy moments in my house.
For example: Every morning when I wake up around 6AM my husband is leaving for work, which leaves the task of getting three children ready for the day solely up to me. My youngest, Declan, nurses first, followed by Henry and Declan playing in my room and bathroom while I get ready. They take EVERYTHING out and turn my room upside down. Specifically, Henry enjoys “ice skating’ by putting lotion on his feet in my bathtub or maybe shredding cotton balls for his dinosaurs to eat.
My brain can get overloaded with all their quick little interactions with the environment of my bedroom or bathroom. A bouncy seat with Sesame Street on TV sounds SO nice. But I know if we start the day that way, all the beautiful energy and curiosity in the world will switch to a pattern of behavior to crave technology every morning.
So, Henry ice skates, Declan turns everything upside down, and I do my hair (while taking a lot of deep breaths). I play this scenario throughout our days together because being home with small children alone is HARD WORK. Whether it’s getting ready for work, being home during the day, bedtime–you name it–single parenting is no joke. If you throw in children with different abilities, like autism, and life may feel totally overwhelming. For me, keeping technology rules in our home is really helpful for dealing with the feeling of being overwhelmed; it gives me a structure to lean on every single day.
Screen Time Rules for Kids
With all the above being said, I still believe that TV and screen technology in general can be OK in moderation. But screen time must be my choice not my children’s. I have to admit, it’s been a real balance test for me since my husband and I introduced TV to Henry at 2 years old and I’m constantly fretting over his exposure. Declan still has not been exposed (minus seeing his brother set up for movie night on Sundays) at almost a year old.
TV rules at our house are keeping movie nights to Sunday night outside of special events like my husband wanting a boys night (Star Wars is out on Disney Plus). We also limit Henry’s access to 20 minutes a day or, sometimes, every other day. Up until Henry was 2 ½, there was almost zero daily exposure to TV. If I know I’m going to need a minute to myself, I plan 20 minutes around me, not him, for TV time.
We also allow zero screen time on Ipads, unless it’s a long trip or public place where we really need Henry to sit (Acceptable example: getting an Xray at the doctors. Bad-example: going out to eat). Every once in a while, I cut myself some serious slack, usually due to extreme outside stress, and use TV outside of our family rules. Because life happens. Just remember not to use every excuse you can to break the rules!
I know it’s a lot to digest the WHY of limited screen time from a practitioner’s standpoint. As a mama, I know reducing or eliminating screen time is not the easy route, trust me. But I chose this route for my children because I want them to be curious, messy, loud, and in love with everything that goes on around them!
If I make a choice to make TV part of their day or not, I’m making a choice to teach them to disengage from the screen world in front of them. And I think in the growing age of technology we could all be a little messier & engaged.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 25, 2020
As we continue to walk through some of my core parenting practices, I’d like to spend this week talking about shame and vulnerability.
Years ago, I was introduced to Brene Brown, a shame researcher, through her book, “The Gifts of Imperfections.” Since then, I frequently refer to Brene as my spirit animal and one of my soul sisters. I highly recommend her work!
Brene, of course, can tell you more than I can about this shame and vulnerability, but I’d like to give my take on how it impacts how I parent (and impacts being a partner to my husband) every single day. Brene teaches how shame is our barrier to wholehearted living. Vulnerability, in turn, is the birthplace of joy. Now, I understand there is a lot in just those two sentences, but they mean the world to me and we’ll unpack them together.
Working with Shame
Let’s start with shame. Brene defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Wow.
How many of us struggle with this? I know first hand I struggle with this every single day. Just last night I was celebrating with my sister, making enough breast milk, down to the ounce, to feed Declan for a year because she had donated milk which (we’re now using to wean). She responded, “that’s great! You were a just-enougher.” I responded she had just defined my entire childhood!
I can’t remember a time that what I did was enough. So, of course, I struggled with love and belonging. I don’t fault my parents, they were doing their best at the time. I think we all experienced this to some extent because our parents didn’t know that their standards or their own judgments for us were creating shame.
In women, we usually associate shame in our body image with being, “good.” While men struggle with being a “man,” (whatever that is….) and beind “the great Oz, fixer of all.” Or so Brene tells me. I absolutely REFUSE to use shame in my home.
What this looks like for me with my children at their age is that I do not put them down for their mistakes, ever. A core family rule is no name-calling. We talk about the action, not the person when a mistake is made. For example, if Henry drops a dozen eggs I don’t say things like, “Look at what you’ve done!” instead I say, “Henry we need to be more careful, Mommy & Daddy paid for those eggs let’s clean it up.” The first sentence is a shame sentence. The second is a teaching sentence using guilt. Per Brene, guilt is a valuable way to teach us how our actions affect others while not telling us we’re bad or wrong. To build on this, if anyone is in a bad mood in our house (trust me this happens…) we excuse ourselves BEFORE we use shame language. On a daily basis, this is an active practice. I’m a human with three young boys, two dogs, and a husband. Sometimes I can lose my temper. But I’m not teaching anyone in my house that they are not enough. They know if I’ve lost my temper it’s on me, not them. That is a powerful lesson.
Working with Vulnerability
OK, so now that we understand shame a bit let’s talk about vulnerability. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy and belonging. This is the peanut butter to the jelly of shame. About a month ago, I asked my husband (who as I’ve mentioned is Bulgarian) if he knew what vulnerability was. There was some laughing, confusion, and then agreement to watch Brene’s special on Netflix.
As a man, vulnerability was a new concept to my husband. I think men in Bulgaria hear the phrase “be a man,” at about 10x the rate men hear it in the US. This is unfortunate in both cases. I am well aware that I am raising little men and I do not want vulnerability to be a new concept to them as adults.
Vulnerability, per Brene, is, “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.” This is a big concept for an adult, let alone my little men (now eleven months, 2 ½ and our newest addition at 14). What vulnerability means for me and my littles is not using shame when my children show their emotions. I encourage them to fail versus doing everything for them. We applaud all attempts at courage.
With Declan, this is pretty non-existent right now (he’s too little). With Henry this looks like me sitting back as he tries new things (a lot of gross motor skills right now…) and when he fails I praise his effort. It also looks like me modeling his emotions and what he can do to calm down. If he’s pissed, if he’s been dumped by his dump truck stool (OK this happens like every day…) I say, “I’m mad!” then we practice breathing. I’ve done this since he was 18 months old. And you know what? This weekend Henry got mad and came running to me saying, “Let’s make sounds!” He then proceeded to do deep breaths on his own. How freakin’ cool!
For Dametrius, I’m sure the journey to unpeeling shame and living with an openness to vulnerability will be longer. It’s my hope he walks this path with my husband Martin. I’ve only started to lay the foundation Dametrius. When he moved in, we talked about failure. I told him I never want to see him pass on an opportunity because he’s afraid to fail. That so long as he tries he’s won.
Living with Shame and Vulnerability Every Day
Living with a house full of men, I do not want them to hide behind the label and expectations of “man.” I want my men to be loved fully for who they are; emotions, mistakes, failures, and triumphs. I know they love me the same way and together we belong to each other. Should I ever have a daughter, I will want the same for her. And in 20+ years, when my children succeed as adults, they won’t snicker to each other that they’re “good-enoughers.” They will know they always have been, and always will be, enough.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 18, 2020
This past week I took a break from blogging as my family grew by one. My husband and I were blessed to win custody over a dear 14-year-old boy who has been a long time family friend. I appreciate the grace shown by my readers that allows me to use this space to welcome Dametrius home.
Listening to Your Children
Two weeks ago, after writing about Mom Judgement, I promised to start sharing a few of my favorite parenting practices. As I’ve said before, I believe children are one of the earth’s greatest gifts and because of that belief, I am intentional about how I parent Declan, Henry, and now Dametrius. My greatest intention with all of my children is to stay present with them. I want them to know that their voice and needs are important to me. That they are sacred and loved.
This leads to what I believe to be a powerful parenting practice: Talking to my children. As a mama, it’s so very easy to have my day dictated by what I believe to be my things-to-do list, all while hustling past my children and husband. I’m a woman with a big appetite for life who thrives in creating content and networks that empower others. If left to my own devices I would be working on around 20 projects at any given time. Things like going to the gym, practicing yoga, and cooking in my kitchen. I can easily keep myself busy and entertained all by following my own agenda. In having children, I made a choice to shift how to do things in order to make space for them.
One way that I make space for my children is by taking time to talk to them. I found this method through the work of Dana Suskind MD, in her work, “Thirty Million Words.” Dr. Suskind was a pediatric cochlear implant surgeon who was frustrated by the different success rates of language retention among deaf children who received cochlear implants.
What she found through her research was that children from lower-income families heard, on average, 30 million words fewer than children from higher-income homes. She also found that “how” lower-income parents spoke to their children was more corrective in nature while higher-income homes were more affirmative in nature. In the sum of her work she states, “it all came down to how well the brain had been nourished with words.”
Feeding Your Child’s Brain
This message for me was loud and clear. How much and what we say to our children matters. Their little brains thrive just in being spoken to. From there, of course, we build their moral compass by what we say. To give them an advantage ‘academically,’ all we have to do is talk. So talk I have.
As soon as I became a Mama to sweet Henry, I spoke to him all day long well before he could understand. I’d explain what I was doing, where we were, and have conversations with him even when his responses were coos. I still do this with Declan. “That’s really cool, tell mama, then what happened?” As Henry got older I just kept talking. I talk about his day, his routines, his rules, his feelings, and so on. With both boys, I make a point to model back to them what they say to be throughout the day. With Declan of course this is sounds and now a few words! With Henry this is affirming what he’s saying. It can look like him telling me, “Mama I see a big dinosaur with Dana!,” and I say back, “Wow that’s so cool you saw a big dinosaur at Dana’s house!”. In doing this with both my boys I’m making a point to increase the number of words they hear from me every day but also to make them feel heard. I want them to know how important a tool language is.
Saying the Right Things
Now I know some of you might think this is overkill but most of us are already doing this! I don’t set “talk time,” for my children. I just talk to them as though they understand me and as though their contributions mean something to me. I let them know language matters. In both my boys I’ve seen first-hand effects of this. Henry’s language is beyond his age. Henry began speaking full words at 10 months, counted well by one-year-old standards, and, at his two-year check-up, spoke over 200 words and phrases (the developmental benchmark is 10 words). Declan is just now ten months and has said 5 or 6 words already! While a piece of this is who they are I also know from the research that how much we speak at home is directly contributing to their positive language development.
If you are already speaking to your child as an active parenting practice and still see a gap in their language there is a good chance there’s something else going on. It could be a speech delay or if this presents with other symptoms it could be autism. Both of these things while they can cause worry are treatable. It’s not anything you, beautiful mama, have done wrong it just means your child needs some extra help. So if you’re talking to your children and don’t hear language by 18 months please don’t be afraid. Just be aware that it may be time to talk to your doctor about looking into some testing to see what’s going on.
Speech Therapy & Treatment for Children
Once you have an answer you have a course of treatment. Almost every child can learn to speak, if they aren’t it’s just about getting them access to treatment. For speech delays, it’s speech therapy and as I’ve said before for autism it’s Applied Behavior Analysis.
I’m sharing this practice because I feel as parents we have a huge weight on us to do everything possible to help our children, “get ahead.” However, what our children really need is for us to be present and speaking to them, not making up preschool curriculums for our homes. It’s a small thing I’m doing that’s going a long way.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Feb 3, 2020
Last week, I wrote a lot about my journey into motherhood, which took me in and out of the throes of perfectionism. I like to tell people I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say this knowing that, in my mind, there is the best way to do anything, the absolute way not to do anything, and, of course, the middle ground. The rules I came up with are mine alone and therefore mine to release, but I believe they lead to the root of a much larger issue: mom judgment.
What is Mom Judgment?
Years ago, when I was deep into my spiritual journey to find my best self, I began to read a book called, “A Course in Miracles”, as one of my favorite author’s Gabby Bernstein cited it. Being a researcher by nature, I had to learn the source of Gabby’s teaching versus just following her interpretation. One lesson that hit home with me from the Course was “What we judge in others we first judge in ourselves.” Whoa.
My first reaction to this was to challenge it. I started to run through things about myself that I judge and things I judge in others. Time after time I was able to find a root standard that I either hold myself accountable to be or not to be. At the time, my judgments were more related to body image, work ethic, and how I engaged with the world. If I did anything that was the opposite of my judgments I gave myself grief. If I saw someone doing something I wouldn’t do, I would judge them. In writing this I know I may come across as unkind. I promise you, however, that this is not my intention. I am human and I will fight to give myself the grace I would give to others. The teaching from A Course in Miracles was true.
Judging Yourself and Others
Last week in my blog I wrote briefly about the silent competition I was having with other seemingly perfect moms. To unpack this type of perfectionism (and yes, my own judgment) I had to go back to the teaching from A Course in Miracles. Remember the quote; “what we judge in others we first judge in ourselves.” What I found is that as a new mom I had a list of “good mom,” and “bad mom,” categories. While these categories started with me wanting to be a really good mom what happened was that every time a mom would give me a suggestion I would instantly compare that example to what I considered good or bad! And boom, there you have it, my mom judgment was born.
My mom judgment used to look something like this; I’d be out with a friend just chatting about Henry and we’d get on the topic of, say, screen time. That friend would share with me the amount of screen time they allowed their own child to have and I’d scan the response and decide how good of a mom I was because my answer was the same, better, or worse.
I could take that example and dice it a million ways across child-raising topics. Talk to me about formula, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, reading to your child, when to toilet train, sleeping at night, naps, food, school–you get the picture–and I will scan my own moral compass to sort them. Writing this, it’s almost embarrassing to type I did judging like this for a decent amount of time. It’s also incredibly honest and I believe true for all moms to some capacity.
Being Your Best Parent
We as moms are all so caught up in being the best parent that we exhaust ourselves deciding if we are, in fact, doing it correctly. As social beings, the only way we have to assess this is through comparison, so we get stuck in the trap of judging other moms. But really, whether it’s you or me judging any other parent, what we’re really doing is judging ourselves.
Let me say this to you loud and clear. You and I are raising our children to the absolute best of our ability. There is not a right or wrong answer about any given child raising topic outside of abuse and neglect. Even in those cases, we can all give a little compassion to the parent, whose behavior is completely out of line, but is clearly a person suffering in their own right.
I believe on any given day we are all doing our absolute best given the resources we have. That means if you choose to formula feed until your child can eat but I choose to breastfeed until my children are three, mama, we are both amazing. If you choose mac and cheese but I choose organic vegetables, rock on–our kids are fed. Want to allow unlimited screen time but I do like the French and limit mine? Totally cool. We probably have a different view on media as a whole. Also cool!
In the next few weeks, I’m going to share some of my favorite parenting practices. This doesn’t mean that they’re for all of you and that’s OK. But maybe, maybe, you’ll find something helpful that you’ve never thought about before. It does not matter what choices we make for our children so long as they are born from love.
What does matter, and I believe needs to change quickly, is the need we feel to so strictly judge ourselves and then take it out on other moms (silently or not). Beautiful mama, you are doing the absolute best you can and your only grade card is love!
Keep an Eye on Your Judgment of Others
I try to actively practice non-judgment. What this means is I try to notice when judgmental thoughts are coming up. If I notice a judgment thought popping into my brain, I give it a silent wave and send it on its way. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle to stop comparing, but it means I’m not willing to live with the judgement of others in my heart.
If I see a mom buying a toy for a screaming child at the check out (something I wouldn’t do), I smile and offer to help load her bags. If a mom shares an opinion I don’t agree with, I ask to learn more or just let it go. And when a mom starts to mom shame another mom, I change the topic fast. Join me in this! Help the struggling mama you see in public, send a little love to a friend who parents differently than you, and show compassion to your fellow beings who are showing up for parenthood the same as you and I. We can change the conversation we’re having with ourselves and the world by just letting judgment go.
Breathe easy beautiful ones, you’re doing the best you can. Me too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 29, 2020
To me, young children are among the world’s greatest gifts. Given the chance, every single child can flourish. Before children, I found my way into the world of therapy through research and my work. In all honesty, I was curious about this world, as I have two very loving parents but even my childhood was not without struggle. I needed to understand how my environment shaped me and in turn how the environment shapes all children. I have come to believe through my work, research, and own short story as a mama, that environment is everything. What I’ve also come to know is the exhaustion of trying to create a perfect environment for my own children.
The Environment and Postpartum Depression
As I’ve disclosed before, after the birth of my son Henry I suffered from postpartum depression. There were several factors that contributed to this. While it was a chemical reaction that caused my depression (due to PTSD), my fear of creating a perfect environment for my child fueled it. I wanted so dearly and desperately to create a world for Henry where he was always welcome to be his best self. In the heart of a well-woman, this goal is beautiful; when I was sick this goal was obsessive. I know too many other mamas still trying to climb over this hill today. As someone who loves research and “knowing,” I thought through my knowledge I could create the perfect environment. To me this looked like constant engagement, setting up learning and language every chance I could, cooking organically (OK, I still love this one!), pushing bilingualism (my husband is Bulgarian), avoiding screen time and being present all the time. Well, after healing from my bout with postpartum depression I still struggled with perfectionism. I wanted to be perfect so Henry could always be his best self. I wouldn’t let an environment I controlled hold him back. It wasn’t until Declan was born that I realized I could not keep up the same pace; it just wasn’t possible with two children under two. And oh my did I get mad.
Dealing with Anger
I have not struggled with anger for well over a decade. Through self-care and learning to love my authentic self I kind of had it made. Having a second child quickly made me feel as though I was failing both Henry and Declan. I felt enormous pressure, knowing what I do about development, to get it right for my boys. I also felt judgment from society about parenting and some weird silent competition with the other “perfect,” moms I met. It took me a good six months and some great therapy sessions to unpack why I was so angry, as well as how being a perfect mom isn’t the goal; being a real mom is. To do that I actually needed to do less, not more. In today’s world, I find we are all on the go, crunching as much as we can into any given day. It’s somehow become a status symbol to say, “I’m so busy!” But if being busy doesn’t make us happy, what’s the point? No, really, what is the point? To me, there isn’t one. Nothing is more important than my own happiness and that of my children. More than I want them to know their father’s native language, or reading, math–you name the skill–I want them to know love and belonging. I can’t model that if I’m pissed off I didn’t fit enough in our day.
Moving Forward Towards Better Parenting
Six months later I am a recovering perfectionist. I still have Bulgarian flashcards around the house and struggle not to probe Henry with “what color?” when he’s just playing. Instead, I am making a conscious effort to do nothing but truly be with my children when I’m home verses instructing them. I also make sure I don’t put down what I want to do in order to create a learning opportunity. If I want to organize, bake, pay bills–anything for me–I just bring the boys into that activity. It’s been nearly two years since my recovery from postpartum and I can tell you that being present brings me joy and brings my children joy. I am hoping this piece of my story will bring other mamas peace and joy as well. Do less. Be present. And live freely–imperfections and all! Xoxo, Jessie
