by Jessie Cooper | Feb 3, 2020
Last week, I wrote a lot about my journey into motherhood, which took me in and out of the throes of perfectionism. I like to tell people I’m a recovering perfectionist. I say this knowing that, in my mind, there is the best way to do anything, the absolute way not to do anything, and, of course, the middle ground. The rules I came up with are mine alone and therefore mine to release, but I believe they lead to the root of a much larger issue: mom judgment.
What is Mom Judgment?
Years ago, when I was deep into my spiritual journey to find my best self, I began to read a book called, “A Course in Miracles”, as one of my favorite author’s Gabby Bernstein cited it. Being a researcher by nature, I had to learn the source of Gabby’s teaching versus just following her interpretation. One lesson that hit home with me from the Course was “What we judge in others we first judge in ourselves.” Whoa.
My first reaction to this was to challenge it. I started to run through things about myself that I judge and things I judge in others. Time after time I was able to find a root standard that I either hold myself accountable to be or not to be. At the time, my judgments were more related to body image, work ethic, and how I engaged with the world. If I did anything that was the opposite of my judgments I gave myself grief. If I saw someone doing something I wouldn’t do, I would judge them. In writing this I know I may come across as unkind. I promise you, however, that this is not my intention. I am human and I will fight to give myself the grace I would give to others. The teaching from A Course in Miracles was true.
Judging Yourself and Others
Last week in my blog I wrote briefly about the silent competition I was having with other seemingly perfect moms. To unpack this type of perfectionism (and yes, my own judgment) I had to go back to the teaching from A Course in Miracles. Remember the quote; “what we judge in others we first judge in ourselves.” What I found is that as a new mom I had a list of “good mom,” and “bad mom,” categories. While these categories started with me wanting to be a really good mom what happened was that every time a mom would give me a suggestion I would instantly compare that example to what I considered good or bad! And boom, there you have it, my mom judgment was born.
My mom judgment used to look something like this; I’d be out with a friend just chatting about Henry and we’d get on the topic of, say, screen time. That friend would share with me the amount of screen time they allowed their own child to have and I’d scan the response and decide how good of a mom I was because my answer was the same, better, or worse.
I could take that example and dice it a million ways across child-raising topics. Talk to me about formula, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, reading to your child, when to toilet train, sleeping at night, naps, food, school–you get the picture–and I will scan my own moral compass to sort them. Writing this, it’s almost embarrassing to type I did judging like this for a decent amount of time. It’s also incredibly honest and I believe true for all moms to some capacity.
Being Your Best Parent
We as moms are all so caught up in being the best parent that we exhaust ourselves deciding if we are, in fact, doing it correctly. As social beings, the only way we have to assess this is through comparison, so we get stuck in the trap of judging other moms. But really, whether it’s you or me judging any other parent, what we’re really doing is judging ourselves.
Let me say this to you loud and clear. You and I are raising our children to the absolute best of our ability. There is not a right or wrong answer about any given child raising topic outside of abuse and neglect. Even in those cases, we can all give a little compassion to the parent, whose behavior is completely out of line, but is clearly a person suffering in their own right.
I believe on any given day we are all doing our absolute best given the resources we have. That means if you choose to formula feed until your child can eat but I choose to breastfeed until my children are three, mama, we are both amazing. If you choose mac and cheese but I choose organic vegetables, rock on–our kids are fed. Want to allow unlimited screen time but I do like the French and limit mine? Totally cool. We probably have a different view on media as a whole. Also cool!
In the next few weeks, I’m going to share some of my favorite parenting practices. This doesn’t mean that they’re for all of you and that’s OK. But maybe, maybe, you’ll find something helpful that you’ve never thought about before. It does not matter what choices we make for our children so long as they are born from love.
What does matter, and I believe needs to change quickly, is the need we feel to so strictly judge ourselves and then take it out on other moms (silently or not). Beautiful mama, you are doing the absolute best you can and your only grade card is love!
Keep an Eye on Your Judgment of Others
I try to actively practice non-judgment. What this means is I try to notice when judgmental thoughts are coming up. If I notice a judgment thought popping into my brain, I give it a silent wave and send it on its way. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle to stop comparing, but it means I’m not willing to live with the judgement of others in my heart.
If I see a mom buying a toy for a screaming child at the check out (something I wouldn’t do), I smile and offer to help load her bags. If a mom shares an opinion I don’t agree with, I ask to learn more or just let it go. And when a mom starts to mom shame another mom, I change the topic fast. Join me in this! Help the struggling mama you see in public, send a little love to a friend who parents differently than you, and show compassion to your fellow beings who are showing up for parenthood the same as you and I. We can change the conversation we’re having with ourselves and the world by just letting judgment go.
Breathe easy beautiful ones, you’re doing the best you can. Me too.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 21, 2020
In taking the last month to talk about “why” behavior happens, we focused on figuring out why your little someone engages in behaviors that are disruptive to you and your family. If you’ve taken the approach of beginning to look at the environment and changing how you interact with your child based on these articles, I’m guessing some questions are popping up.
Over the past twelve years in my profession, I’ve noticed recurring themes surrounding behavior change. Ultimately, I decided to make an FAQ covering some of the most common questions I get concerning changes in behavior. I hope that using this format will serve you well!
Behavior Change FAQ
Q: I’ve identified why my child is throwing tantrums but not what is reinforcing them in the moment (ex: my child is looking for attention, so I ignore the tantrum). This is causing the behaviors to get worse. What is happening?
A: This is 100% normal and to be expected. Let me say that again; if you change the way you interact with your child during a tantrum, etc. their behavior will go up in occurrence before they come down. In my field, we call this extinction.
Why extinction? A behavior (or behaviors) you previously gave in to/reinforced are no longer working. The reinforcement is gone. Think about the dinosaurs! In reaction to this change, your child will try harder to get the old behavior to work, hence they go up… temporarily!
This can last a day up to a couple of weeks. Stay the course. As Newton would say, “what goes up must come down.” Stay consistent and these bursts and behaviors will disappear.
Q: I’m totally on board with not rewarding my child’s (fill in the blank behavior) but is there any way to prevent how often it occurs? It feels like my child is screaming etc. all day long!
A: Absolutely! Remember, we are all looking for things throughout our day to either fill ourselves up or remove ourselves from uncomfortable environments. If you pack almonds as a good morning snack you’re less likely to drive through the McDonald’s starving when you’re starving at noon.
In the same way, if someone is asking too much of you (maybe a boss like me!) you’re more likely to shut down and disengage from work. Our children work in the same way. They have a perfect little recipe for actions that fill them up with what they love and removes them from what they don’t.
Take notes for a few days on how often/long your child vies for your attention, asks for items (especially food), or complains when you ask them to do something. Using the number of times that your child either requests these things or protests your demands you’ll see how often they want attention, items, or escape.
Using this schedule will increase your little one’s attention/items a little and decreases the number of their demands by a bit. This isn’t permanent but can be a big relief quickly!
Q: I’m a working parent and while I can be consistent most of the time, sometimes I’m at my wits end. Can I give in sometimes and still see effective change?
A: I’m hoping at this point you’re considering us friends so I’m going to be really honest here. The answer to this question is a firm, “No.”
As a fellow mama, I know this is hard to hear because sometimes you’ve lost your shit and just need to let your little one eat skittles in bed after a tantrum. But here’s the thing; When you only sometimes reinforce a behavior (called an intermittent schedule), you actually strengthen the behavior!
This means when you give in intermittently you are more likely to increase future tantrums, etc. A way to be gentle on yourself with this is to choose your battles wisely but be consistent 100% of the time when you decide a behavior is no longer tolerated in your home.
Q: I’d like to teach my child new skills to replace their problem behaviors. What do you recommend?
A: Words, waiting, tolerance to the word ‘no’ and doing something else! Children (and, let’s be real, adults too) engage in problem behaviors because they are missing a skill.
I’ve never met anyone (excluding the criminally insane) who enjoys engaging in maladaptive behaviors. People generally want to do good things and be recognized for them.
You can help your child at any early age to speak up about what they need, how to wait for what they want, tolerance to ‘no,’ and how to entertain themselves.
Usually, I’ll prompt using words if I know my son Henry can have what he is tantruming for (a break, attention, a snack). Once Henry uses his words I’ll honor his request. If Henry is tantruming and cannot have what he wants I either use waiting or tolerance to, his “Nos.” When we’re working on “Nos,” I model for him to tell me how he feels, i.e. “I’m mad!”
Lastly, developing independent skills is a lifesaver because it teaches our children that we as parents are not the keeper of all goods. Eventually, children can actually navigate their environment joyfully alone!
Q: Help! It seems like my child is engaging in tantrums for escape, attention, and access to items. How do I figure out what they want so I can put a plan in place?
A: Go back to the data! Record what happens before and after the behaviors you’d like to decrease for a couple of weeks. Then, take a look at the consequences (the after).
Using the data you collect, count how many times your child was engaging in maladaptive behaviors for each function.
The highest counted action in your data is the ‘maintaining consequence.’ Use this function first to work on the behavior (ex: it’s an escape, so you need to work on the follow-through of demand). The runner ups are the secondary functions that you just need to keep an eye on.
Q: I’m totally on board with using some of these tips but my partner doesn’t agree. Will this still work?
A: Once again, we’ve gotten close (as author and reader) at this point; the honest answer is no. When a behavior is reinforced by one person and not another, something called behavioral contrast occurs. This means the behavior goes up around the person consistently saying ‘no,’ as the child is testing to see if they will give in. The family, caregivers, and school all need to be on the same page with behaviors.
Q: When do I throw in the towel and ask for help?
A: This is a hard one for me to answer because my gut says, “anytime you need relief!”, but I know many families are looking for when they should seek professional help. In regards to problem behaviors; if you have created a plan, been consistent with that plan for a month (or longer) and problem behaviors are still occurring–I would recommend asking for help at this point.
A professional eye is most likely needed to uncover the more complicated patterns of behavior.
More on Behavior Changes in Children
When we’re talking about therapy for your child, I choose to stand my sacred ground. I know many parents don’t agree with immediately taking action and want to wait to see if their child will grow out of developmental delays. I also know many parents who agree with getting help as soon as possible.
My answer to both parties is as soon as you notice your child is behind in language, social skills, or physical delays go and get an evaluation. Find out what therapy can help your child. Remember, my stance is these are all symptoms that can be treated but without diagnosis and therapy there can be long-lasting effects for children. If a child does have autism I want to see them by the time they are 2 years old in ABA clinic and home-based therapy.
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 15, 2020
The last three weeks I’ve written about how your child’s behavior is maintained by attention, escape, and access to tangibles. If these topics resonated with you, it is most likely your little sweetheart is engaging in problem behaviors, big or small, to get an outcome within their environment. In my field we call these socially mediated behaviors. The last function of behavior, the one I’ll be discussing in this article, is automatically maintained behaviors, and it’s the trickiest of the bunch.
Here we go. We all have needs that only come from within us, physiologically speaking. The most basic examples are hunger, thirst, feeling tired, having to go to the bathroom, and sexual behavior (we’re not going there, this is a kids blog!). In short, each and every day our body has needs and throughout the day these needs fluctuate between being “full” and “empty.” What this looks like for adults is planning our meals, when to grab a drink of water, how much to sleep and so on. Honestly speaking, this what a lot of moms out there are neglecting to plan for because we’re so overwhelmed by planning it for our children.
Fulfilling the Physiological Needs of Children
When it comes to children, fulfilling physiological needs is essential and the second most important thing in their development. Nurturing emotions is number one, but we’ll save that for another time. Through any given day your baby, toddler, or child becomes hungry, thirsty, tired and so on. As parents it’s our job to first figure out these needs during infancy and toddlerhood. As they get older we teach our children the skills to take care of themselves. For the purpose of this blog, automatically maintained behaviors are important to note for two reasons.
The first reason is to help you, as a parent, know “why” your child is throwing a tantrum etc. If you’ve been reading my blogs and gone through the three other functions and are still saying, “OK but my kid is still screaming and none of these things are happening,” there is a good chance your child has a physical need that needs to be met at that moment. When children are tired, hungry, or thirsty they almost always show it in crabby behavior. For Henry, this looks like whining, being more stubborn than usual, and crying easily. These behaviors have nothing to do with anything he wants; he’s being irrational because his body feels off. With Declan and most other babies this just looks like crying. As a parent it’s important to know when your child is being fussy or when they need a meal/nap vs. giving them a teaching moment like we’ve talked about with the other functions. Additionally, it is important to not blame all of your child’s naughty behavior on being tired or hungry. Knowing the function tells you and me, the parents, how to respond. The second reason this is important and much deeper.
The Unique Needs of Children with Autism
Children with autism often have the most difficulty with automatically maintained behaviors. The reason for this is most children with autism have speech delays as well as heightened sensory awareness. From an early age children with autism will often present delays in speech milestones and may look as though they are in their own world. As they move from infancy to toddlerhood their needs change the same as neurotypical children. But children with autism often do not have the language to request what they need or want. For parents, this means a constant guessing game of if their child is hungry, tired, in pain, needing attention, want a toy etc. Additionally, having heightened sensory awareness means that children with autism can either overly enjoy or get overwhelmed by the sensory world. This can manifest itself in ways like getting caught up with a breeze, or how their hands move the air, and even go as far as disliking certain textures and sounds. It is a beautiful, but tough struggle.
Parenting the Best You Can
Children with autism are born perfectly fine. Let me say that again. Your child with autism is perfect. What is hard for your child, however, is understanding the social world and it’s not their fault. What is helpful for a child with autism is learning to adapt to our social world. This means learning language and how to navigate a social tribe (humans). For parents of children with autism this can be tough. But please, dear ones, remember: asking for help is a strength inside all of us. If your young child does have autism I am here as a resource and friend. I also want to help normalize ABA therapy to help more young children and families. Using ABA has made the struggles I’ve written about move from a steep mountain to a manageable hill. It’s not scary therapy, I promise 🙂
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Jan 6, 2020
Over the last two weeks, we’ve taken a deep dive into attention-seeking behavior and behavior maintained by escape. If you’ve been following along, I’m hoping these blogs have helped you and you’re starting to see some patterns in your little sweetheart. If you’re new to the blog, welcome! Just click here to take a peek at what you’ve missed.
The world we live in is a beautiful place, full of choice and products. We’re very blessed in this way. Every person spends their lifetime building up preferences and favorite things. Some of this comes from within us (nature), while some of it is from what we’re taught (nurture). But all of it comes from us navigating our environment. This starts as soon as we move from the squishy, wonderful newborn phase into the active baby phase.
How Your Child Develops Preferences
Think about it. You’re a tiny little baby around the ripe age of, say, five months. Your parents are getting ready to give you a big spoonful of your first real food! They anxiously await your reaction to the food they’ve chosen (nurture) and you respond (nature)! For my boys, I’m super into training their pallets to love real food. I made a point to do green veggies at 5 months for both Henry and Declan. Henry downed his broccoli and to this day has not shied away from eating his vegetables first (unless salmon or applesauce make an appearance). Declan was not as impressed. It turns out he really hates puree, is OK with most veggies but does not like the texture of broccoli. He would eat muffins all day if we let him! Now, in giving these examples, no problem behaviors are happening, but I’m hoping it’s giving you a picture of how preferences for tangibles start. We as parents provide the exposure and our children respond with preferences.
From infancy into childhood and beyond, each exposure to something new builds up a list of likes and dislikes. To children, the world is their oyster. While toddlerhood is an extremely hard phase for any parent, it’s also a joyful one, as your little someone begins to build into the person they will become. But this little person, as I’ve said many times, is all limbic system. This means when your toddler decides they either like or don’t like something and you either withhold a preferred item or ask them to use a disliked item, their response is, “fight, flight, freeze.” This goes on all day long for most toddlers from about 18 months to three years of age. Around age three the prefrontal cortex (our logic center) starts to develop and these Big Emotions, while present, are not so intense.
Coping with Your Child’s Preferences and Behavior
So what does this look like for you, for me, and for our children? It looks like our toddlers asserting their preferences very noisily and us learning how not to lose our shit. Honestly, if you are interested in this kind of stuff, you should read “How Not to Lose Your Shit with your Kids,” it’s a lifesaver for this phase!
For the last 8 months at our house Henry (now 2 ½) has been going from passionately happy to emotionally distraught, which is centered around access to items he wants. It starts when he wakes up and wants a drink, but not just any drink. It could be water, juice, a smoothie, or almond milk (he’s lactose intolerant). If he’s allowed to have the requested item, he shows joy. If my husband or I say, “No,” his world crumbles. Fight, flight, freeze. This cycle goes on for the whole day; what bowl he wants to eat from, what fruit he wants for snacking, can he have a treat (usually chocolate), can he watch a show and so on and so forth. In writing all this down, it seems exhausting and it is. But it’s also who Henry is at the age he’s at.
There is a world full of endless choice and reinforcers that await him. Watching Henry show joy toward finding his reinforcers is magical. What isn’t magical is when he’s asking for something and the answer is, “No.” As a parent, it would be easier to say, “yes!” all day to every request because then the tears would stay at bay. However, it’s also my job as his (and his brother’s) mama and to teach them tolerance to disappointment, moderation of fun-but-bad-for-you stuff (sweets, processed foods, and technology at our house), and how to wait. This can suck in the moment because you know that in saying, “No,” a behavior may follow. But what follows much later is a skill set you can be proud of as your little ones grow.
Now, of course there are times we all need to give in. But this need comes from you and not for your child. It’s not about making them happy with a third movie, it’s about giving you a break. We, the parents of toddlers or children with limited verbal ability, like some children with autism, are a tired breed. We get run down too and sometimes that 100th, “No,” is just beyond you or me. It’s OK. Give in. But know when you are giving in and let it serve as a warning sign that you are in need of some self-care and alone time ASAP. Once you get some R&R time, you are recharged and can decide to buckle in and drive back down the road of helping your child navigate their choices with you driving–not them.
Getting Help for Your Child
If your child is very young (or getting older but is not verbal) with autism, this is where Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can help. You see the world is still full of beautiful choices for your child, but they may not have the voice or ability to say what their preferences are. Or they may not have the skill set to wait for their favorite items. Teaching children with autism how to communicate what they want and who they are is by far the most rewarding part of work in ABA. If a child gets access to intensive ABA from two-years to five years of age (think 20-40 clinic hours a week), their chance at full verbal language is tremendous. In teaching speech, we’re opening up their world to tell us everything they love. And who doesn’t love that!
Xoxo,
Jessie
by Jessie Cooper | Dec 26, 2019
Last week we dove into attention-maintained behaviors and what to do when your little one is engaging in challenging behaviors to gain your (or others) attention. This week we’re going to jump into talking about what to do when your child is engaging in problem behaviors to access escape. So, in turn, we’re going to talk all about my son, Henry.
To begin let’s remember the recipe for identifying if your child is engaging in problem behavior to escape your demand. First, you, as the parent, ask your child to do something. Next, your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you. Lastly, you remove the demand to avoid the behavior. Look at the middle part again. “Your child engages in a behavior that is uncomfortable for you.” What this means is your child has figured out what behavior they can use to make you essentially back off. As a mama this is tough. I know this as a clinician, but I’m also living it.
A few weeks ago we talked about making a list of behaviors that are not OK in your home. My list was hitting, spitting, and yelling at an adult. Henry does all three of these things every day at some point to escape my demands. “Now wait a second!” you’re saying. “You are our guide, the ticket out of these behaviors and your son does these things on a daily basis?” Yes, but stay with me!
Raising A Strong-Willed Child
Henry, from infancy, has been a strong-willed child. I’m a strong-willed woman and Henry’s Daddy is Bulgarian, so he got a double dose of stubbornness.
I remember writing this in Henry’s baby journal, “I didn’t know babies came out like you.” When we were sleep training Henry at 6 months, he would lay on his belly popping his pacifier in and out of his mouth watching the door then when we walked in he’d flip over and start crying. Smart little guy. Since then it’s been a steep learning curve to stay ahead of Henry. He is a bright child, full of love, life, and in his little brain, he knows best.
Henry has strong opinions about how his day should go. When I tell him it’s potty time, or it’s time to get dressed, or he needs to sit to eat, and so on and so forth, he will challenge me. Normally it’s just a vocal comment and an attempt to negotiate with us (negotiating with a two-year-old is tougher than it sounds!) to which I stand my ground most days. When it comes time to follow through with a task I need him to do (normally dressing, potty, buckle to eat), however, Henry will yell, hit, and even spit at times.
These behaviors first started to ramp up around the time we welcomed Henry’s brother, Declan into our lives. I wasn’t capable of finding the function, making a plan, or teaching a new skill when Henry’s new behaviors started. I was barely hanging on at the time and all I could give was showing up to get through the day. Henry’s new behaviors took hold mainly because I was occasionally reinforcing them (“Ok Henry, sit wherever just eat”). Henry learned that if he used these three behaviors (yelling/hitting/spitting) I would get pissed and give in from time to time. This was not a fun dance.
Working on Yourself to Help Your Children
Over the past few months, I’ve been working hard at calming down my own nervous system to be a better mama. Two kids under two is hard. I’ve been asking myself what I need to be able to do to take a step back and truly help my son by helping myself. It was in taking this step back and working out more, meditating more, playing more–working on me more–that I could objectively see his pattern. Before this point, I was just putting myself down, telling myself that as a clinician I should know how to fix this, even telling myself that I was a bad mom. This behavior didn’t help anyone and felt awful. When I took a step back, I was able to change the narrative and tell myself, “yes you’ve reinforced some of these behaviors, but that’s OK. You can change it now.” Simply said, I’m taking things day by day. Henry’s undesirable behaviors are not down to zero, mainly because Henry had learned that these behaviors work. It takes time to unteach this.
What this looks like for us now is that I wisely choose the demands I’ll place on Henry and give him a choice where a choice is available. I believe every child should have this balance. Henry can choose to open one toy bin (we play by theme so I can dump a bin and clean a bin up vs. having toys everywhere), what fruit or veggie he wants, what shirt he wants to wear, what movie to watch on movie night–all the fun stuff.
My husband, Martin, and I choose care routines and values. When it comes to following through with routines and values, we move forward regardless of Henry’s response. This look likes; “Henry, we’re eating. You don’t have to finish, but you have to try before you can get up,” or “It’s time to sit on the potty. When the timer goes off, you can get up,” and so on. This routine has lowered how often Henry engages in undesirable behaviors, but they still happen from time to time.
It’s going to take time for Henry to completely stop with these behaviors because he’s 2 and all limbic system. He also can’t tell me how these demands make him feel, so I model this for him. “I’m mad about potty!” It’s OK for him to not like something or not want to do it, but we all have to learn over time that there are things that just have to be done.
Working with Differently-Abled Children
If your child is differently-abled, they may be using certain behaviors to tell you a lot and you may need help to find out. For children with autism who are non-verbal or with limited verbal abilities, these behaviors are what they use to speak up! Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) can help you find out what it is that your child is trying to escape, why, and how to build up language so that you, the parent, can then choose what demands are non-negotiable and what are your child’s choice within your home.
I hope this message serves you well and am wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season.
Xoxo,
Jessie
