In my last blog, I wrote about the importance of asking for help when our children are struggling. In sharing that we not only provide this type of support at Instructional ABA Consultants but that I’ve received it as a parent, I am hopeful you feel less alone. In my heart of hearts I believe that the biggest barrier to reaching for help is the barrier of “should.” When we, or our children, are struggling, shame pops right up with a tailored list of “you should…they should…” This narrative is both exhausting and defeating. It keeps us isolated and alone in our struggles. As the great Brene Brown states, “The only way to conquer shame is by shining a light on it.” Shame lives in the dark with us; connection melts it away.
This is my hope for you, darlings – that instead of sitting alone with your perceived list of failures as a parent, you sit in community realizing you’re not alone. Just this past week I was taking a walk to center myself before a difficult meeting. On the path was a young mom balancing her toddler on her back and her coffee. She was frazzled that if she put her coffee down she wouldn’t have it, but if she put her toddler down he would scream. I came up beside her and offered to carry the coffee while they made their way to the library. We walked this way for less than ten minutes but she shared, “No one ever talks about how hard this is! Every time I bring up on Instagram that I’m being screamed at for making waffles after he asked for waffles FIVE TIMES, I’m shut down with bids for happy stories.” I calmly shared that she’s not alone, she is honest, and I would be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every time I prepared the “wrong” food that I was badgered about. As I passed her coffee back – a screaming toddler was now at her feet – we thanked each other for the walk.
How many of us have been in this woman’s shoes? Either as a new mom or as a parent in a devastatingly hard moment, felt that the only thing the world wants is our smile? My initial reaction is to say that has never happened to me, that I’m great at the tough stuff! But it of course has. Whether it’s in public and I just want a controlled child at Costco or home when my children are having what seems like the zillionth fight at 6 am, I want that smile, too. Feels easier, right?
Sure – but it is also untrue. Whether our children are typically developing or developing differently from their peers, they are all this little bundle of untamed nerves, developing brains, wills of their own, and lived experience. Our children are divinely human, which means each messy part of them is showing itself at the exact right time. Yes, mamas, I’m chanting this to myself at 6 am but do not actually believe it until I’ve had my coffee with tears.
If we all expect our children to be happy and like the other children, we are silencing their truth. Just like the Instagram moms who shamed my new friend on the walk, we too shame our children when we cannot hold space for all their messy parts. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not think my, or your, children’s truth is that they are tiny barbarians who need to scream and hit before the sun has risen. In this scenario, my children’s truth is (ugh), “Mama, I’m too little to do the morning on my own. Will you get up with me?”
Wouldn’t it be nice if they asked that sweetly? Unfortunately, young children are almost purely limbic systems and their words come out in behaviors. When our children are struggling, their truth is just that “I am having a hard time.” Shaming them with a smile or expectation of perfection will silence them. Shining a light on their struggle with love, care, and guidance will plant the seeds for regulation even if it takes years to bloom.
Years, you say? You expect me to walk this turbulent path for years? In short, yes, but also no. You see, I can’t change for anyone that life is both deeply beautiful and breathtakingly painful. That is life. However, we don’t need to walk that path either blindly or alone. If we can force ourselves to witness the struggles in front of us without reacting to them, we can see them as they are. When we witness these struggles, we can then access something incredible – compassion.
In the throes of shame, it is impossible to access compassion for ourselves and our children; we’re too stuck in what shouldn’t be happening instead of what is. Compassion allows us to feel deeply that our struggle both belongs and is a struggle. So, my darlings, the next time you feel alone and tear-streaked, I challenge you this: place your hand against your heart and whisper, “This belongs,” and see if you melt a little into the moment that is. Then, take your brave soul towards your struggling child and remember, “This belongs, too.” The path to healing is rooted in your truth.
Xoxo,
Jessie Cooper